


The Birds and the Bees for Ineffable Idiots

by DarkAngel2891



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale Is Trying (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), BAMF Aziraphale (Good Omens), BAMF Crowley (Good Omens), Character Death, Cranky Demons, Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley Was Raphael Before Falling (Good Omens), Crowley is Good With Kids (Good Omens), Crowley is a brat, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Female Michael, Fluff and Angst, Gabriel is trying, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), God Ships It, God is a troll, Impiled Sex, Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), Light Angst, M/M, Magical Pregnancy, Non-Explicit Sex, Non-binary Uriel, Other, Pregnant Crowley (Good Omens), Protective Aziraphale (Good Omens), Protective Crowley, Sandalphon Being an Asshole (Good Omens), They're all trying, i can't write smut, they're all idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 64,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21815689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkAngel2891/pseuds/DarkAngel2891
Summary: Crowley doesn't know how reproduction works.Aziraphale is at a loss for words. Whatever the two where expecting it wasn't this.God ships Crowley and Aziraphale.
Relationships: Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub & Gabriel (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 243
Kudos: 315





	1. Why everyone needs Sex Ed.

**Author's Note:**

> As I'm finishing up my Whump story I promised my brother (beta reader) that I would write a couple of sweet Fluffy pieces.  
> Hope you like it.  
> Oh HeadCanon that Crowley is genderfluid and has all the genders. Crowley's pro-nouns change and flex the way Crowley wants them to.  
> Aziraphale is Crowleysexual, he loves Crowley in all forms and doesn't care how his darling demon presents.  
> .  
> https://www.lunss.com/gallery/black-sequin-satin-mermaid-tiered-unique-prom-gown-1508.html  
> This is the dress Crowley wore on their wedding day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We follow our Ineffable idiots almost a year after the Arma-didn't-happen. Wedding bells ring and the two learn an important lesson about sex. Also they're idiots but you knew that already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like the HeadCanon that Crowley is genderfluid and has all the genders. For the most part of this particular story Crowley will identity by female pro-nouns although flashbacks to past events will have male pronouns. Depends on how Crowley is presenting at the moment.

We begin with a wedding, 6000 years in the making. More accurately we begin with the soon to be spouses Aziraphale and Crowley. Both of them picking out the perfect outfits for this long awaited and almost unrealistic day. Newt has oddly found himself accompanying Madame Tracy and Aziraphale to a gentlemen's Tux shop. Everyone(besides Aziraphale) was in agreement that Aziraphale could not wear his usual creme colored wardrobe to be married in. 

As Aziraphale continued to find fault with his third tux of the day Newt was wondering if Anathema was having any luck with Crowley. 

* * *

If you thought that Aziraphale was particular about clothes then you haven't talked to Crowley about them. Ever the fashionista Crowley wouldn't wear anything that wasn't stylish. So when Crowley had insisted on a black wedding dress the poor shop aid was at a loss of what to do. They only had one black option and the red-headed woman turned it down with a hiss

"Lookss like I'm on my way to a Catholic funeral." 

She didn't like any of the other colors champagne, egg, off white and when they had showed her the pink options she stormed out with her friend in tow. 

"Crowley you could have been a little more polite about it." 

"No Book Girl, they didn't have anything worthwhile, and they had the nerve to sssuggest that I sshould wear pink. PINK! Do I look like I wear the color pink?" 

She hissed, storming across to her Bentley and Anathema slid into the passenger seat. 

Queen's **Under Pressure** sang from the radio as they pulled away. Anathema took one last look at the shop as all the outfits in the window seemed to change into lingerie. Grabbing the " **Oh Shit"** handle they sped off, Anathema couldn't fathom how Aziraphale managed to take Crowley's driving so well, She felt like she was going to vomit.

"I just want the perfect dress so I look perfect for this day. I don't think that's too much to ask, it?" 

Crowley said glaring out as a police car began to pursue them, it's wheels soon all deflated with loud pops. 

"I guess not but, **SHIT** " Anathema slid violently in her seat as Crowley took a sharp turn. 

"But you know that Aziraphale won't care about how you look." She said looking green.

"Of course I know that, but I care!" Crowley said her foot pressing the gas pedal to the floor. 

"Maybe we should go to Paris? Or Milan?" Crowley mumbled to herself, Anathema just tried to focus on not puking.

They drove around Crowley muttering to herself until quite suddenly she slammed on the brakes sending Anathema lurching forward. Crowley parked in front of a high end clothing store and stared in awe at the beautiful dress in the display window. 

A Black floor length mermaid dress was on a mannequin, it was beaded up and down the length of it, with a striking collar attached to see through gossamer, showing off a sweetheart bust. Crowley lit up at it and went inside without bothering to see if Anathema was behind her. 

Ten minutes later Crowley was beaming with a smug grin on her face as she spun and admired her figure in the mirror. The sweetheart bust did wonders to her small breasts and the back showed just enough skin to be considered slightly scandalous but covered up her scars. 

When Anathema had seen them she had asked about them to be met with a biting, 

"They're a reminder." 

Crowley hadn't said anything else and Anathema dropped it, realizing that it was a very touchy subject. The price of the dress shocked even Anathema but money is of no object to Crowley. Paying for the dress she carefully took it and snapped it back to her flat. Where it would remain until it was time to wear it. They went to lunch where Crowley picked at her food while Anathema ate with less gusto then Aziraphale. Afterwards the leftovers were snapped home to await the angel. They met up at the shop with Aziraphale wearing a dopey grin as they waved the others off. 

"How was your day my love?"

Aziraphale wrapped his arms around Crowley's waist. 

She kissed him deeply and passionately

"Absolutely perfect dove."

They retired to the backroom of the shop where they chatted away and drank until sunrise. Crowley's head lying in Aziraphale's lap still wearing a love drunk grin. 

As the day began they headed to bed both thinking to themselves.

"I'm the luckiest person alive right now."

* * *

The guests at the wedding included The Them and their parents, Tracy and Shadwell, who cleans up very nicely, Anathema and Newt, Anathema wearing a slim gold band engagement ring with a pearl inlaid into a rose quartz flower on it. There was even an American diplomat with his wife and son. All eyes of course were on the couple though.

These two were not a standard couple by any means, for one the groom was the one wearing white. A timeless white tux with a sky blue waistcoat and for some reason a Heaven's Dress tartan bow tie. The Bride threw out convention all together wearing a black dress with snakeskin boots and sunglasses. Her hair done up in ringlets and she had a saunter to her hips she walked down the aisle to meet her soon to be husband, neither stopped smiling. The ceremony was beautiful, the cake absolutely delicious (The patisserie was flown in from the states a gift from Anathema.) They couple seemed to have changed their outfits, strangely enough the red-head was now wear a suit instead of a dress. Everyone watched as a beam of sunshine iluminated the two briefly and swore they saw wings wrapped around them. 

* * *

Crowley and Aziraphale had arrived at their hotel and had practically miracled themselves up to their room. As they entered Aziraphale pushed Crowley up against the wall. Kissing her deeply and moaning as Crowley's hands ran down his body searching and roaming. 

"You are, the most beautiful creature I have ever seen." Each word was punctuated by a kiss. 

"Aziraphale, I love you so much." Crowley was barely holding it together.

"And I love you my darling demon." 

"I need you, please." 

Taking her to the bed kissing her heavily he unwrapped her stripping off those absurdly tight jeans. He gazed at her body the moon shining on her pale skin. Smiling he took his time building her up to her climax and riding the waves of ecstasy with her. They had been at it for a while and when they both finally released he held her tightly to to him. Still intertwined with her, he brushed her hair as they both felt the night pulling them under. He sent a small prayer to God thanking her for this moment, he inhaled her rich scent and found himself falling asleep for the first time in years.

* * *

**Two months later.**

Aziraphale was worried when he heard Crowley vomiting in the bathroom again. It was a shock, he didn't know what to do. He'd only ever been sick when he forgot to sober himself up after a four day drinking binge with Crowley. They were having a go at who could out drink the other, they had been neck and neck, gotten booted out of multiple bars. Aziraphale had been victorious when Crowley ever the sloth had passed out on the couch. He followed only a couple of minutes afterwards, but he still won. Thank the Almighty they didn't need to have organs or they surely would've have discorperated five hours in. 

Aziraphale remembers waking up to a massive headache and the need to vomit. For the first time in his entire existence he experienced the gross sensation of his body forcibly rejecting the toxins he poured in it. It was a sensation he never wanted to experience again, he always made sure he sobered up before it got too far.

Aziraphale stood in the doorway of the bathroom as Crowley vomited, head leaning against his forearm as he bent back. 

"My Dear, what on Earth is happening to you?" 

Aziraphale bent down wiping Crowley's face and producing a hot cup of ginger tea. He had heard long ago that ginger settles stomach aches. Crowley snatched the tea and tossed it down. 

"I don't know, I feel exhausted and like my limbs are heavy as shit. I have no ide-" 

His words were cut off by him vomiting again, Aziraphale just pushed back his hair and tried to send calm healing waves through Crowley. Crowley finally sat back again.

"Thankss angel, I think it's over for now. Can I just go to bed?" 

Crowley looked pale and green, part of Aziraphale wanted to tell him no and that maybe they should go to a hospital, but what was a hospital going to do to help an occult being who was over 6000 years old?

"Of course my Darling, let me help you up." 

He grabbed Crowley gently putting one of his arms around his shoulder and the other around his waist. Crowley didn't protest as Aziraphale lead him to their bed, Aziraphale snapped and the bed turned itself down. He tucked Crowley into the sheets making sure he was nice and warm. 

"I'll be down in the shop if you need me my dear." 

He placed a kiss to Crowley's forehead as the demon mumbled his response sleepily. 

Quick as he could, he flew down the stairs and started to pull every book had on occult and ethereal beings and spells. 

24 hours later and he hadn't found anything, the closest he came was a spell to cause a demon to become a carrier for a plague. He shivered as he read that passage, suddenly some events of the 14th century made sense (none that he needed to tell Crowley right now.) He heard Crowley, as he got up and ran to the bathroom again. Snapping the books back to their rightful places he went up to check on his beloved demon. 

Crowley had vomited on his trousers and had tossed them off, clearly too tired to perform any miracles. Aziraphale came and sat beside him when he noticed something.

"Crowley?" His face was puzzled

"Yeah angel?" Crowley looked bleary at him.

"Forgive me if I'm being rude but are you aware that your bottom half is presenting as female?"

"Yeah, it won't change. I tried but it's stuck like this." 

This was odd, Aziraphale very rarely presented as female. He was very happy to be seen as male although if the mood struck him he could shift. But Crowley danced the line of gender so much it could quite possibly be the only dance Crowley mastered. Aziraphale never cares how his beloved demon presented. He was happy to have all of Crowley, what was quite odd that Crowley wasn't able to change back. 

"My love I do believe we need to talk to someone about this." 

"Who angel? Heaven doesn't want anything to do with us and Hell would definitely find ways to use this against me."

Crowley shuddered at what Hell would do if they found out, it was dragging up things that for now needed to not be addressed. 

"And the humans wouldn't know what the hell to do with us. Our bodies aren't exactly completely human." 

"There must be someone we can talk to." Aziraphale was up and fidgeting.

"Surely there's someone who might be able to- OH! of course, how could I possibly be so dim." 

"Hey!" A tired voice spoke from the floor.

Crowley never liked hearing anyone insult the angel, not even the angel.

"Anathema!" 

"What about her?" 

Crowley was standing up now using the sink as support. Snapping clean clothes on Crowley looked at Aziraphale. 

"She can read auras and the like, surely she might be able to tell us what's going on. We just need to go see her." 

Aziraphale looked so happy but when he turned to Crowley his face dropped. 

"Of course if you're not feeling up to it we can always have her come here." 

Crowley just waved him off.

"Naw, I'm feeling better today. Let's go see her before I feel any worse." 

"Alright my dear but please don't push yourself, perhaps I could drive?" 

Aziraphale was trying to be helpful he truly was worried about Crowley. 

"Angel, if you drive we won't get there until tomorrow. Come on let's pop down for a bit. We can even stop by that bakery on the way out. I'm starving." 

Aziraphale blinked at him, Crowley did eat on occasion but never that much and never expressed interest in eating. Usually, He would just steal bites off Aziraphale's plate. They left, stopping by the bakery they went in for breakfast (be ye warned anyone who dare to defoul the Bentley with gross matter.)

Crowley drank three cups of coffee and ate two doughnuts. Aziraphale just sent up a little prayer to God hoping that Anathema could figure this out for them.

The drive took much less time than it should, Crowley had gunned it all the way to Jasmine cottage. When they arrived, Crowley was looking green again. 

Anathema opened the door like she was expecting them.

"Aziraphale, Crowley what can I do for you?"

She beckoned them into her home 

"Bathroom?" Crowley was looking woozy.

"Second door on left, are you ok?" Anathema watched as Crowley ran towards the bathroom and heard retching noises in response. 

"What's wrong with Crowley?" She looked at Aziraphale who looked back at her. 

"We were hoping you might be able to tell us my dear, we haven't got a clue. It's not like we actually get sick or anything." 

Aziraphale was already in the kitchen preparing some ginger tea. He knew it would help Crowley feel better. Anathema just watched as he set up three cups of it. Leaving one on the counter for her he rushed into the bathroom to give to his love one of them, After about 15 minutes they came out and Aziraphale seated Crowley on the couch. Crowley was looking more pale than green at this point. Aziraphale was patting the demons back. 

"Ok, tell me everything."

Anathema sat down across from the two as they launched into everything that had happened. They told about Crowley's symptoms and how long they had been lasting. There was something that was itching at her brain. Something that seemed to be completely obvious if she could just figure it. 

"Crowley is there anything else you think I should know about. Anything of importance? Even if it's something small." She looked at Crowley and the demon just shrugged before answering with.

"Well I can't be sure it's actually important but I can't seem to change my Effort. Like at all, it seems to be stuck in female mode." Crowley just sipped the tea that surely should have been gone by now. 

This revolution only made the itch stronger, Anathema knitted her eyebrows together, she was sure this was crazy but it couldn't hurt to check.

"Crowley, if it's ok with you I'd like to take a look at your aura." 

"My aura?" Crowley looked a little skeptical.

"We don't have to if you don't want to, but I feel like it might be a good idea. You don't have to do anything just sit there." 

Crowley looked at Aziraphale who nodded,

"Alright then Book Girl go ahead take a crack at it." 

Anathema focused on seeing the auras of the beings in front of her. 

Aziraphale's was a gentle, soft blue. Much like the color of his eyes is pulsed and stretched towards Crowley's fierce red. Which in turn stretched towards Aziraphale. Wrapping the two in a bright royal purple, she pushed a little further and found the two spirits which seemed to be dancing. Embracing each other and circling the other, There! She spotted it, at the center of the being known as Crowley she saw something. It was small but budding with love, it was golden and growing. 

Anathema came back to the world tears in her eyes and hands over her mouth. 

"What is it? What's wrong with Crowley?" 

Aziraphale sounded panicked.

"Depends on your definition of wrong. I guess." 

Anathema looked between the two, 

"Well spit it out Dear girl." Aziraphale was losing his patience.

"Crowley is pregnant." 

This got a bewildered look from both of them, Aziraphale looked like he was going to say something but shut up. Staring at Crowley who seemed to be in shock. 

"How?" Crowley asked.

"How what?" Anathema responded.

"How did I get a baby?" The cup had fallen on the floor. Aziraphale looked just as confused as Crowley did.

"Forgive the personal question, but you guys are having sex yes?" 

Aziraphale nodded, still looking bewildered.

"But what's that got to do with getting a baby?" 

Crowley was trying to figure this out. Anathema thought it a very strange question to ask, Especially for a eons old being.

"Crowley? Do you not know how babies are made?" 

Crowley shook his head. Looking very out of the loop. 

Anathema couldn't hold back her laughter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like it, not sure how many chapters I'll write we'll see. A lot of these chapters won't be Beta-read because my brother is my Beta-reader, and since there is smut in some of these chapters it's akward to have him read them. But if there is constructive criticism you can offer I'd appreciate it. My only rule is don't be an asshole.


	2. What to expect when you have a magical pregnancy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anathema gives *The Talk* to the ineffable idiots. Things are revealed and not everyone is happy about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So from this chapter forward (until after the baby arrives) I'll be referring to Crowley by either name or female pro-nouns. HeadCanon is that Crowley is genderfluid and pro-nouns are based of how Crowley presents. Unless I'm doing flashbacks in which the pronouns will most likely switch back to male or back and forth.

Anathema couldn't help but laugh at the two who looked like they were having quite the crisis. 

Maybe it was rude to laugh but their faces made it all the more funny. Aziraphale looked like he was having a mental break and poor Crowley just looked lost. If there was one thing in her life she never expected (besides subverting the apocalypse, because let's be honest The Book never said she'd succeed. Just that she'd be there.) It would be finding out that two ageless millenia old beings had the knowledge of a third grader when it came to sex and reproduction. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll stop." 

She's able to get this out in between giggles. 

"It's just that I never expected this to be a conversation I'd ever have." 

Crowley just stares at her and Aziraphale is silently muttering to himself. 

"Oh my, oh dear, I, well I."

"Aziraphale?" Anathema tried to catch his attention.

"Aziraphale!"

He wasn't looking at anyone.

"Oi, Angel! Can you please have a breakdown after we're done here." 

Crowley snapped at him which finally caught his attention.

Aziraphale startled,

"Oh yes, sorry, sorry. Just rather shocking. Very unexpected. Are you sure Anathema?" 

Aziraphale looked desperate for this to be some joke.

"Pretty sure, although I take it neither of you expected something like this to happen." 

She had finally stopped laughing but still had a shit eating grin on her face. Crowley and Aziraphale just looked at each other unsure of what to say or do. 

"So. How did this happen?" 

Crowley was aggressively running her hands through her hair trying to come to terms with what's going on with her. Anathema sighed. 

"Well human reproduction takes place because of semen and ovaries." 

Anathema launches into ***The Talk*** as Aziraphale and Crowley look on. When she is finished Crowley is looking rather horrified and Aziraphale again looks like he's miles away. 

"Actually many people blame you for reproduction Crowley." Anathema finished.

"Me? How am I to blame?" 

Crowley looked rather offended at this. 

"Many people believe that human reproduction and childbirth was Eve's curse for the original sin." 

"Go figure, men always blaming women for everything, I guess the question now is what do we want to do about this?" 

She looked at her husband this was a team effort after all. No way she was going to handle this all alone. 

"Well I'm not sure, It's up to you but I'm guessing you're Pro-life." Anathema looked at them, this finally snapped Aziraphale out of la-la land.

"Actually my dear I'm pro-choice. After all a soul isn't given until the baby breathes its first breath. At least that's the official Heaven stand-point. But I'm not opposed to having children I just didn't think it at all possible for us."

Aziraphale looks at Crowley, hands down this is her decision after all it's her body. She looks at him and there's a longing in her eyes, he smiles remembering how she was with Warlock. He knows her heart goes all mushy for children, hell he remembers Crowley hiding many of them on the Ark at great personal cost. He nodded he would accept whatever she desired. 

"I'd like to keep it, I really would. I mean, I never thought that I would. I would." 

She burst into tears stupid pregnancy hormones. Aziraphale embraced her, petting her hair. 

"There, there, my dear. I am behind you 100% I love you and I know I'll love our child." 

Crowley relaxed into his embrace she felt safe and sound with him. He'd make a wonderful father. Anathema just smiled at the two they certainly were a couple of adorable idiots. 

"Ok, so there's a large number of things that come with pregnancy. I'm not sure about magical pregnancy but you should try to find an OB-GYN. You're also going to want to look up pregnancy books and whatnot." 

After giving them a list of things to do they decided to head out. As they were about to get in their car, she shouted at them. 

"I'm throwing you a baby shower and there's nothing you can do to stop me!" She laughed as she closed the door, wait until she told Newt.

* * *

They didn't drive directly home, Aziraphale had insisted on stopping by a bookstore that would have more modern books on pregnancy. His were at least a century out of date. He knew for a fact because they had crazy things like how you can eat strawberries if you want a girl and carrots if you want a boy. He was pretty sure that that was not how things worked, although being honest that was never his department. 

He really couldn't care about the gender of their baby. While he perused the maternity section Crowley was off in the kids section. 

"Oi Angel!" 

Crowley came towards him with a stack of books. 

"Look at the weird things they call literature for baby humans. Everybody poops? What kind of book is that for a baby? Can they even understand that?" 

"Well my dear I'm pretty sure it's for when you are toilet training a kid. Although I don't know if that will be something that comes up for us. I mean we don't really need to use the bathroom."

Aziraphale pondered this, would their kid need diapers and toilet training? He shuddered at the thought, he wasn't looking forward to that. They decided to buy the book just in case, they checked out with about 30 books that they thought might come in handy. 

A grey haired cashier named Meto scanned the books for them. 

"First kid?" he smiled at the two, silver eyes sparkling. 

"Umm yes, just want to be prepared." Aziraphale was holding Crowley's hand.

"Children are often a blessing from God, are they not? Especially the surprise ones. It's as if God is telling the parents how much she loves them." He gave a little chuckle at the two who looked at each other with love.

"Oh most definitely." 

Aziraphale squeezed Crowley's hand. Surely if God didn't want them to love each other, she wouldn't have made it possible for them to have a baby. Crowley had a different take on it. 

"Or she's just fucking with us."

"Crowley!" 

Aziraphale let out a huff, he loves his demon to death but sometimes he wishes she would be polite. The cashier just chuckled eyes twinkling with mirth, he bagged up the books in a tote bag that read 

**"The greatest adventures wait behind paper doors."**

He pulled a card out and handed it to them. 

"Here, you should check out this doctor. She's an expert on babies and all there in." 

Crowley took the golden card. 

**_"Dia Mios, certified OB-GYN and G.O.D PhD accredited."_ **

She handed it to Aziraphale as they headed to the Bentley. 

"Well it wouldn't hurt to have a doctor to keep an eye on things. Plus they could tell us a bunch of stuff we need to know." 

Crowley's stomach grumbled a rather new sensation, she felt light-headed.

"I think we should go get something to eat my dear. These books say that a mother should increase her calorie consumption because of the baby. Anything in particular you want?" 

"Now that you mention it, I could really go for something salty. Or do I want something sweet?" 

She pulled out of the parking lot and they headed off to find something that would meet her cravings.

* * *

**_In Heaven's boardroom._ **

_ "Attention all Archangels and angels amassed. _

_ The Lord your God has granted an official pardon to the Principality Aziraphale and The former Archangel Raphael now known as Crowley. Their actions of last year were according to the Ineffable plan. They have pleased the Lord and she wishes them to be kept safe, for her plans are for her to understand. Feel free to direct any and all questions to the Metatron. Thank you."  _

Gabriel and the other Archangels looked at the memo in shock. They had accepted that perhaps it was part of the Divine plan, that the two idiots managed to prevent Armageddon. Surely the fact that they survived their executions was proof of her divine will. 

No what was shocking them was the reveal that Crowley was their missing sibling Raphael. None of them had known what happened to Raphael, Raphael had disappeared in the battle and no trace had been found. Ureil was crying

"Is this true? Is the Demon Crowley really Raphael?" 

Uriel was Raphael's twin (well they were made at the exact same time and they spent a majority of their time together.) 

"But why would Raphael fall? Raphael was the best out of all of us. I'll bet you it was Lucifer, I bet he dragged Raphael down with him" 

Michael looked bitter and angry.

"I think we need to have a talk with those two. But we need to be smart on how we approach them. Aziraphale maybe a soft touch but Crowley definitely will fight if he thinks we're a threat." 

Gabriel was staring at the paper. All these years they spent sending scouts searching high and low for Raphael. Only for it to turn out Raphael wasn't that far away to begin with. He could only imagine how they would react to seeing them.

They would have to be very smart about it.

Meanwhile in the corner Sandolphon was grumbling, ignored by his fellow Archangels. They didn't seem to notice him slip out of the room. He was angry, he wasn't about to be replaced with a lowly demon. He didn't care who that demon used to be, he had spent all 6,000 years of his existence being upstaged in their hearts by their missing brethren. He would take care of this himself.

* * *

"Aziraphale?" Crowley sat up and brushed the sleep from her eyes. She was enjoying the fact that the baby books said that she should sleep whenever tired. It gave her a valid excuse to be lazy, She heard a loud knock at the shop door. 

Aziraphale must still be out getting dinner for them. She hadn't felt up to cooking, she just crashed on the couch. The knocking continued louder and more frantically.

"All right, all right. For someone's sake hold your snakes down." 

She opened the door to be met with the point of a celestial blade. It burned at her throat as she stepped back into the shop. 

"Hello Crowley, I'm certain we haven't met before." 

"We've met briefly, Sandolphon." Crowley said bitingly " _ Angel _ !" 

She screamed in her head and felt Aziraphale grow still. 

"Allow me to introduce myself properly, I am your end." 

He smiled wickedly as he raised his sword.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ureil is non-binary, in which their pro-nouns are They/them, sometimes I might refer to Crowley by the same pronouns but not often. There's going to be some light agnst, nothing to severe, it's mostly going to be humor and slice of life. I'm still not sure if I'm going to write full on graphic smut for this story anymore. I'll see. Thanks for reading this far.


	3. Family time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Archangels head down for a visit, mind the pissed off Principality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time to meet the in-laws?  
> Wait does it count if you already know them?

Sandalphon slashed his blade downwards as Crowley dived away. He missed her torso but managed to cut into her calf. Crowley screamed in pain as she rolled and tried to kick his legs from under him, he blocked her good leg with another slash. She felt it cut deep into her thigh, she couldn't give up. A fatal blow from the sword wouldn't just discorperate her, it would kill her permanently.

 _"Aziraphale! hurry please!"_ She screamed in her head, crawling on the floor trying to get away. Sandalphon stalked towards her, He laughed and swung his leg kicking her in the chest. She felt a rib crack, he forced her onto her back so she could see the killing blow.

"Pity that the Traitor isn't here to watch you die. I'm going to enjoy this Raphael."

Crowley's face paled as he called her by her former name. She tried to get away from him dragging herself by her arms. 

"I've been living in your shadow for 6,000 years. Well no more." 

Sandalphon raised his sword high, ready to deal the fatal blow, when a bright flash illuminated the room. Suddenly Sandalphon was slammed backwards into the wall, Aziraphale was holding him there with his own flaming sword up against the Archangel's throat. 

"Not one step more." 

The edge of the blade cut into Sandaphon's throat. Leaving a small cut trickling golden blood, Sandalphon struggled against the strength of the enraged Principality. Sandalphon had been created after the Fall. He was created to make up for the missing Archangels, he was created by an angry and brokenhearted God. Ruthless and bloodthirsty, he had been the one who destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah. He was strong but what he never thought to realize was that Principalities were stronger.

After all God needed contingency plans, it wouldn't do well to have angels that can easily out match everyone else. So Sandalphon struggled trying his hardest to get away from Aziraphale. He did have a dagger on him, which he thrust it up into Aziraphale's side. The Principality didn't move an inch. Suddenly there was a loud voice.

 **"ENOUGH!"**

Aziraphale felt himself forced away from Sandalphon. There in the middle with her own sword stood Michael. However strangely the sword was aimed at Sandalphon not him, Aziraphale tumbled backwards towards Crowley who was trying to crawl towards him. Whimpering as her legs gushed black blood, he grabbed his side just now noticing he was bleeding as well. The dagger still stuck in place, He looked up at Michael.

' _Was she really protecting him and Crowley?'_

Crowley let out a yelp as Aziraphale felt an angelic presence next to him. He felt a heavy hand on his shoulder. 

"Hold still, this will hurt a bit." 

Aziraphale's blood ran cold as he looked to see Gabriel.

" _Could it be that they've finally come for us? Is Michael brandishing her weapon against Sandalphon so that Hell can come for Crowley?"_

Aziraphale tried to struggle against Gabriel's grip but felt weak. He looked towards Crowley, Uriel was standing over her. She looked terrified as the angel bent towards her. 

"Aziraphale would you hold still so I can save you?" 

Gabriel's voice grew irritated as he pulled the dagger from his side. 

Aziraphale winced, feeling the sting of the blade being removed from his side, Gabriel pressed his hand against his wound. He sighed with relief as a pleasant warmth spread across his torso. 

Gabriel helped him stand and he saw Crowley being lifted by Uriel who looked like They were holding themselves back from embracing her, her legs no longer wounded. 

"What on Earth is going on Gabriel?!"

Aziraphale asked inching towards Crowley grabbing her hand. He wouldn't let anyone else hurt her, he'd rather fight and die than let anyone from Heaven or Hell have her. He was concerned that this was all a trick to make sure they were alive when they were taken back to their respective realms. Gabriel shushed him and stepped towards Sandalphon. 

"What the hell do you think you're doing here Sandalphon? You have not the authority or clearance to come here, let alone attack them for no reason!"

Gabriel's voice was dripping with more anger than Aziraphale had ever heard before.

"What am I doing Sir?! I am attempting to dispose of **The Traitor** and **_The Enemy_**! I am finishing what should've been handled a long time ago!"

Sandalphon rushed towards him, with a snap of his fingers Gabriel had him in chains. 

"You attacked deliberately, even though we had orders to pardon them and not cause harm!" 

Aziraphale and Crowley stared at each other in shock and confusion.

" _Did Gabriel just say what we think he said?"_

Sandalphon struggled against the chains and they clamped down tighter, despite him attacking her Crowley winced she'd seen those chains before. Hell she'd worn them before, they weren't a fun time. 

"You will be taken back to heaven to await trial for this. Rest assured you will not get away with it." Gabriel nodded to Michael who grabbed Sandalphon and in a flash they were gone. 

Gabriel let out an exhausted sigh as he looked at the odd couple. 

"I do apologise for this, he was acting on his own and in no way was granted permission to do this."

Aziraphale and Crowley just stared monumentally confused.

"What the hell do you want Gabriel?!" 

Crowley spoke first, she glared at him, Fury in her eyes. Her sunglasses had fallen off in the fight.

"Can we sit for a second? This is going to take some explaining and I know Michael wants to be here for this." 

"I'm not sure that I'm comfortable having you three here, especially after Crowley was attacked and almost killed!" 

Aziraphale had grown bolder as time stretched on, Gabriel had to laugh. 

"We're not here to cause you harm, if we were we wouldn't have healed you. Gabriel speaks the truth, Sandalphon was acting on his own." 

Uriel's wavering voice cut through the tension, sighing Aziraphale summoned chairs for all of them to sit in. Crowley winced as she sat, letting out a 'Bugger'.

"Crowley are you still injured?" Aziraphale rushed over to her. 

"Bastard kicked me in the chest, I think I broke a rib." She grimaced.

"Let me see my dear… Oh my!" 

Aziraphale pulled up her shirt to just under her bra-line deep purple was setting in. Gabriel and Uriel watched as he passed his hand over her ribcage, healed the broken bones and vanished her bruises. The two of them looked as they noticed a massive scar on her side, It looked eons old. The two Archangels exchanged a look as Aziraphale smoothed Crowley's top and sat next to her holding her hand. 

"How long have-" with a blinding flash Gabriel was cut off before he finishes his sentence Michael had reappeared. 

"Please tell me you haven't started without me?" She looked at the Archangels who shook their heads. 

"Thank the Almighty." Grabbing a seat herself she sat in front of Aziraphale and Crowley. 

"Do you want to explain to us what the hell you're doing here, and why you came to our aid? Especially since the last time we saw you you tried to kill Aziraphale!" Crowley was furious.

"Look, I'm not going to try and make excuses for what we did. Because they would ring hollow. I am sorry, it took some time but we realized that the Almighty must have bigger plans for you two, if you both could survive what we threw at you." 

Crowley scoffed, Gabriel just sighed and went to pull something out of his suit jacket. 

"You have both been pardoned by the Almighty in the eyes of Heaven. She has declared that you are to be protected and no one in Heaven is to act against either of you. Here's the original, we have a few copies in Heaven for records of course." 

He passed a golden scroll to them. Aziraphale took the scroll and read it out loud. He gasped in shock standing up and looking at Crowley who looked like she was afraid. 

"You were Raphael?! The Raphael! Did you know this? Why on Earth wouldn't you tell me!"

Crowley blushed in shame, all eyes on her. No way out this time. She'd have to bite the proverbial bullet and tell them. 

"I didn't tell you, Aziraphale, because it isn't something I like to remember. It hurts to remember. That's part of mine and Lucifer's curse, Angel. There are only two beings in Hell who can remember exactly who they were. The rest just know that they were angels. Everyone knows who Lucifer was, but that's because he didn't hide it. I didn't want anyone to know who I was, because I didn't want to be bothered by everyone expecting me to sit by Lucifer's side!" 

She was angry and crying, her pupils blown wide, her emotions on full display. 

Aziraphale melted, _"How selfish am I?!"_ Of course Crowley didn't want anyone to know. Crowley was always trying to stay as far from Hell as possible. He went up to her and knelt down. He didn't care that the Archangels were watching, his days of hiding his feelings for Crowley were done. 

"I'm sorry love, I wasn't thinking. How cruel I am to drag all of this forward." He patted her knees.

The Archangels just watched, Michael boiling slowly. 

"I can feel anger Michael, why don't you just say what you want to say." Crowley glared at her sister. 

"What happened to you? How in Heaven's name did you Fall? Out of all of us we never thought it would be you."

Her voice didn't sound like she was blaming Crowley for her own Fall. It sounded like she was blaming Lucifer, Crowley chuckled darkly. Gabriel watched her lean back in her chair rubbing her hand over her stomach. 

"How did you get that scar? Did Lucifer drag you down with him?"

He was gripping the arms of his chair almost ripping them off. 

"Yes." A loud rip and cracking was heard.

Gabriel had indeed ripped the arms off the chair.

"And no."

She said waving her hand and replacing the arms. 

"Please, Raphael, tell us what happened"

Crowley twinged at the name. 

Uriel's hand was on her shoulder, it was always hard to deny them. They were the closest out of all the Archangels. She looked at Aziraphale whose face reflected the same question. Damn it all she definitely can't say no to him. Taking a shuddering breath she began, from a time long before the beginning.

* * *

**Raphael POV, Pronouns changed to male for this vignette.**

_Raphael laughed warmly as he soared through the skies. Uriel was next to him, he had pulled Them along so he could show them his newest star. They both needed a break from the chaos of home- Helel was stirring up trouble._

_Raphael had to admit that he had some fair points... It was getting to be too much though, they could feel the pot begin to boil over. Perhaps it was lazy and selfish to leave and drag Uriel with him, but he wanted someone to see his proudest creation._

_It sparkled, glimmering a warm creme color. Radiating heat and comfort._

_"It's so much larger than the others, it's almost like a Sun itself. What are you going to call it?"_

_Uriel danced around the light, it was a beautiful star. It called out to you, and made you feel safe and sound._

_"I think I'll call it Polaris! It will be a guiding star. If you're ever lost all you need to do is look up and find it, trust in the star and it will guide you to safety."_

_He beamed proudly they headed back home._

_"I crafted it after Mother, it's for her humans. Perhaps they will find comfort in seeing the star and knowing that someone will always be there to guide them."_

_Uriel laughed a high bell of a laugh, Raphael snickered his goal was accomplished. As they neared the plains of Heaven though the laughter faded. They heard screaming, and the clang of metal on metal._

_Heaven was at war. Uriel summoned their sword and dove into the battle, Raphael stayed back watching in horror. Angel fought against angel, he watched as two angels dueled with one of them landing a deadly blow. The victor sped off towards the next fight, he watched as the stricken one tried to stand up but collapsed._

_Summoning his staff he dove towards the fallen angel. He didn't care what side of the battle they were on, he couldn't watch them die and do nothing._

_"Please! It hurts, please help me."_

_The angel's voice was racked with pain. She trembled as her golden blood poured out of her. It was too late all Raphael could do was hold her as she went. Singing softly he laid her down, tears made of stardust poured from his golden eyes. He stood up and flew off to find who else he could help._

_He tended to any injured angel he came across, healing indiscriminately. As he approached a familiar face Hanael(Uriel's soulmate) he started working to save her. A shadow passed over him, he spun around and nearly fell over, as he saw his brother Samael standing over him with a blood covered sword in his hands. Samael was smiling evilly,_

_"Well if it isn't little Raphael, Mommy's favorite suck up." Raphael cowered back trying to get away, he scooped up Hanael and tried to fly off with her only to be knocked down by Samael. He screamed in horror as Samael sliced through her throat._

**_"WHY! WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!"_ **

_Raphael was sobbing, as Samael approached him blade raised to strike down his own sibling. Raphael attempted to block the sword with his staff, it sliced clean through. Samael laughed maniacally as he prepared to deal a killing blow. Raphael looked away, he heard the swish of the descending sword he heard metal meet metal and a wet thud. Daring to look he saw Raguel with his duel blades, one of them had blocked Samael's the other was lodged firmly in his chest._

_"Go! Find the others and stay safe." Raguel pulled Raphael up handed him one of his blades and took off._

_Raphael gripped the blade, he was never a fighter but desperate times call for you to step outside of your comfort zone. He took off searching high and low for the rest of the Archangels. He spotted Gabriel, Michael and Remiel fight back to back against a small group of angel rebels. The rebels never laid a hand on them. Flying further he saw Uriel dueling with Anael a shaggy haired angel. One of Helel's followers, he knew them on sight._

_Uriel was tiring golden blood staining their face, although he didn't know whose blood it was. He dived into the fray, successfully blocking a swing he began to fight with the rebel angel. As he fought he heard a loud cracking sound, Anael looked at their feet as the clouds disappeared beneath them. Raphael smelled a wretched smell, both he and Uriel watched as flames consumed the angel. Anael plummeted downwards screaming in absolute agony._

_"We need to go, we need to find the others."_

_Uriel was shaking Raphael, this was all getting to be too much for the healer. Raphael face turned to stone and they flew off, Uriel branched towards the right, he watched as more and more rebels were Felled each one leaving a smell of rot, sulfur and ash. He had to find Helel, looking high and low as the screams of the damned tore through the air. He spotted Helel in the middle of it all, a look of pure horror and guilt etched across his face. Raphael landed in front of him._

_"Helel what happened?!" Raphael was screaming at him._

_Helel just stared back and Raphael smelled it, heard it. The ground beneath Helel began to give, his sun golden curls turning black._

_"NO!"_

_Raphael leapt forward and grabbed Helel's arm. It was as if he weighed thousands of pounds. He struggled to maintain his hold on him._

_"I'm sorry, this isn't what I wanted! Let go, Raphael."_

_But he wouldn't, stubbornly clinging to him._

_The weight was increasing it brought Raphael to his knees, but he still didn't let go._

_"Enough, let go. Or I'll drag you down with me."_

_Raphael wouldn't let go tightening his grip, Helel could only think of one way to force his beloved sibling to let him go. He drew his sword up and with all the strength he could muster sliced into Raphael's abdomen. Raphael screamed hands flying to his wound, Helel fell into the pit and from the fall Lucifer was born. Raphael still in heaven clutched his side as he watched his brother fall._

**_"WHY?! TO WHAT ENDS DO YOU APPROVE OF THIS?! THEY ONLY WANTED FREE WILL! WHY DO YOU CAST THEM OUT?!"_ **

_He sobbed as he healed his wound. He was so focused on it that he didn't hear the crack, but he did smell it._

_Looking around he was alone._

_"No! No, no, no, no!"_

_He felt the ground give underneath him, he felt his wings burn up. This was a pain unlike any he's ever known, he screamed and sobbed begging for forgiveness. His prayers were unheard as he plunged into the pool of boiling sulfur. How long he was there he didn't know but it felt like an eternity. When He finally managed to pull himself out of the pool. His form had changed drastically, he no longer felt like an angel. Four of his wings were gone, he pulled himself up and followed the limping posse surrounding him. It wasn't long before Lucifer was calling upon all the demons, no one seemed to remember who they were._

_They all took on new names and identities, he was called to a private audience with the Lord of Lies. He saw Lucifer sitting on a mockery of a throne of heaven, black and carved out of the vicious smelling rock. Lucifer's face fell with anguish and rage as Crawly limped into view._

_"Raphael?!"_

_Lucifer went up to him and appeared to be devastated that he was here._

_"Why are you here?"_

_"I don't know, what are you going to do? Because I'm sure as Hell not going to be a prince or lord or anything."_

_Lucifer let out an angry wail and Crawly shrinked backwards, Closing in on himself._

_"Rest assured I will find a use for you."_

_Crawly left the throne room, he couldn't help but think of the stars created by his hands. About the plants he coaxed to life, would he ever see them again?_

_Why had he Fallen?_

_He only asked questions. He just walked away, closing in on himself. He felt himself curl and tighten into a long coil. Finding a hiding place he stayed there, it wasn't long or maybe it was an eternity later that he was sent up to the Garden to cause some trouble. As he watched from the shelter of the trees Adam and Eve trying to find shelter for the night he looked up and saw the clouds clearing. Just enough to see a bright star. Bigger than the others, a star meant for guiding. Underneath it's light he saw the angel watching over the first two humans. An angel who might one day guide him out of his hardened shell._

* * *

Crowley finished her story, leaving out the nitty gritty details and settling for just the necessities needed. She looked around her, watching each angel's face, with emotions ranging from heartbroken calm to angry tears. 

"So that's that, I fell on my own. Lucifer didn't try and drag me down, he tried to save me. I'm not going to say it makes anything right, but now you know." 

She was exhausted and starving, Aziraphale just looked at her in shock holding her hand. 

The Archangels just looked at her, as if wondering what to do now. What are you supposed to say to that? What are you supposed to do? They pondered this and while they were pondering Crowley's stomach gave a rebellious growl. 

"Oh yes, I meant to bring you something to eat. In the chaos of everything I'm afraid I left the food at the store. Hold on just a moment my dear."

With a snap of his fingers a pizza box appeared. It was still piping hot and smelled wonderful covered in cheese and various meats, Crowley took out a slice and started eating. Gabriel just stared at them.

"Say what you want to say Gabriel or don't say anything and leave." 

Crowley said her mouthful of pizza. Gabriel just looked at her curiously.

"I just wasn't aware that you ate, I know Aziraphale does, I just thought he was an outlier. Or I did until recently." He said no more.

"Yeah well I kind of have to eat, besides have you ever tried pizza? It's really good."

Crowley held out the box to the Archangels, Uriel gave it a sniff before grabbing a slice. They seemed content on smelling it, Michael took one as well (when in London) she nibbled at it. 

" I had some black pudding the other day. I didn't care for it." He looked like it had been a horrid experience.

"Well, I wouldn't suggest eating a dish cooked with blood for your first meal." 

Aziraphale stated as he gracefully ate his own slice. Crowley was already on her third.

"Is that what that was? It tasted vile, although it makes sense why they liked it."

Gabriel was speaking to himself, or he thought he was speaking to himself. He looked up realizing that he had spoken out loud, everyone stared at him. Crowley had a smug ass grin on her face. Gabriel blushed and decided to deflect and grabbed the last slice. It smelled way better than that awful pudding that he was bullied and teased into consuming. It tasted amazing as well, so this is what taste is?! He could understood why it was so enjoyable. 

"Still though, I didn't know other demons ate. Why do you eat?" 

"Well first off a lot of demons eat, they just like to eat humans." Crowley shuddered at this as did everyone else in the room, she'd seen Hastur's appetite and it put her off eating for a long time. 

"Demons are creatures of gluttony and decay, well most are. I never quite got the idea, although I wouldn't say no to a rare steak." 

She looked at Aziraphale who shook his head. For now she wasn't supposed to be eating raw meat (or rare as she liked to call it, hey she is a snake after all.) She just heaved a large sigh the things she has to do for this kid. 

"As for why I eat." Aziraphale looked at her with a face that said _"We might as well, they're probably going to find out anyway."_

This is just fucking perfect, what a wonderful family reunion. 

"It seems that the Almighty has seen fit to have me knocked up."

The Archangels just stared blankly at her. 

"She means that she's with child."

Aziraphale corrected for her. The Archangels looked absolutely shocked at this information.

It was kind of funny Aziraphale had to stop himself from laughing at their faces. 

"So, you're?" Michael pointed towards Crowley's belly.

"Yup" she replied popping the "P" 

"How?" Uriel was dumbfounded, 

_'Wow maybe we should teach Sex Ed in Heaven.'_

Aziraphale was struggling to hold back his laughter especially at Gabriel's face. 

Gabriel looked like he had when he found himself going to be a father. A face that read that he didn't think this was at all possible. 

"Well then." Gabriel clapped his hands together startling them all. 

"I think we should go, there are many things that we need to discuss. Glad we came here. We'll just be on our way. Umm Aziraphale, Raphael if you need anything please don't hesitate to call on us. All righty then, best get a wiggle-on"

The Archangels stood up, before leaving Uriel finally broke and embraced Crowley. 

"I have missed you. Please don't wait to come see us." With that they all disappeared in a flash. 

"Well that was a thing." 

Crowley stretched rubbing her back and legs. The lines from the celestial sword were still there. Healed but celestial weapons always leave a scar where they cut. 

"How about we take a nice hot bath, after everything that's happened today I dare say I need to relax." Aziraphale looked at her with heat in his eyes. 

"Sounds like a great idea Angel." 

She followed him to their bathroom where a tub full of steaming hot, scented water awaited them. They relaxed into the water as Aziraphale washed Crowley's hair. Rubbing his hands across her belly he kissed her neck, she moaned and turned around kissing him back. It wasn't long until they were completely wrapped around each other. The water stayed hot as the hours ticked by, it wouldn't dare grow cold.

* * *

**In Heaven**

Gabriel sat at his desk in shock, today had left him with emotional whiplash. They had found one of their missing siblings, another one had attacked in jealousy. They had to deliver the news to the very beings they tried to kill a year or so ago. But what really through him for a loop was finding out that Angels and Demons can reproduce. He pulled out his phone, he had a serious call he needed to make. He only hoped that They wouldn't lose their head about it. Anxiety gripped his stomach as the phone buzzed.

"Whatz iz it albatrozz?" A buzzing voice answered.

"We need to talk, meet me at the cottage and be careful little gnat." Gabriel hung up the phone and put his hand in his head.

"What is the Almighty planning?" He thought to himself before heading out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is Gabriel's mystery person? What kind of Judgement will Sandalphon face?  
> Find out next chapter.  
> Crowley loves meat(no I will not apologize)  
> Don't worry about the agnst it'll ligthen up from here. Although there will still be a sprinkle or two of it.  
> And for sanity reasons I'm not going to detail a entire chart of which angels out match which angels. Simply put in my HeadCanon Principalities are stronger than Archangels but Archangels have more stamina. Meaning that the longer the fight drags on the more the scale tips against the Principality.


	4. Family planning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little smutty and a little Fluffy. We start off with Gabriel and his mystery friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a lesbian who isn't quite sure what straight women find arousing with men. So going to be rather vauge.
> 
> So umm enjoy. Constructive criticism is welcome but don't be an asshole about it.  
> 

* * *

Gabriel paced the floor of the cottage, he felt like he was made of nerves and anxiety. It felt like he was going to crack and fall apart. He was so busy muttering to himself that he didn't hear her come up behind him. She snaked her arms around him. He jumped and reflexively pushed her off. It wasn't hard just more startling than anything.

"Oh shit, Bee I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were here." He went over to her trying to see if she was ok. 

"You werezz the one who invited me, Gabriel. Who else were you expecting?" Bee looked at him with an accusatory stare. 

"No one, I'm serious Bee. My nerves are just fried right now." He was back to pacing.

Bee just watched him pace it was fun to see him so out of sync. 

"What's got you zo stressedzz? If you tell me I'm sure I could think up wayz to help you unwind."

She bit her lip eyes drawn towards his ass, and the Effort that usually came with it.

* * *

**Cottage, A month and a half after the failed apocalypse.**

Their relationship was odd, odd and rather unexpected. More so than the Traitors. Those two had the excuse of being the only other occult being who were permanently stationed on earth. But Gabriel and Bee found themselves thrust together for different circumstances, after the idiots had succeeded in canceling Arma-not. 

They had both decided to collaborate on where their respective realms are headed. The cottage had been middle ground for centuries. Oddly enough it actually sat in the direct middle ground of Heaven, Hell and Earth. So both sides drew up an agreement that it was neutral and available to all who stood in it. 

They had been working on their respective sides of the house. At the same time working in close contact with each other meant things were bound to get weird. 

It hadn't taken as long as anyone thought it would for Gabriel to catch her gazing at him when he came in from his morning jog. As he walked through the door he peeled off his shirt. She got to see those abs and felt a stir somewhere in her body. 

"Like what you see?" Gabriel had a smirk on as Bee was startled out of her trance.

"No, juzt wondering why you bother to allow moisture to accumulate on you? I didn't know it waz raining." Bee deflected.

"Oh it wasn't, there were some humans who were jogging as well. I learned the hard way that they freak out if you don't sweat." He miracled himself dry and back into his stuffy suit. 

The days stretched on and both found themselves coming up with more reasons to spend more and more time at the cottage. 

"Can youz believe it! Luzifer has gone and declared that the Demon Crowley is to be left in permanent exile, and that they be left alone! He is literally giving the znake exactly what they wantzzz." Bee was fuming she had waited months for the approval to wreck some serious punishment on Crowley only for Lucifer to declare the Serpent off limits.

"You think that's bad?! Michael and Uriel have decided that it was the Almighty's will that Armageddon didn't happen. They actually are considering calling Aziraphale back and reinstating his status! They actually want to talk to that Demon loving traitor!" 

(This was before God pardoned the two.) 

Bee laughed at this, the idea that an Angel and Demon could actually love each other. Bee did have to admit she saw what was physically attractive about Crowley all thin lines and height, But satan help her she had no idea what was so attractive about Aziraphale. Aziraphale was soft and round compared to Crowley, he looked as sexy as Dagon looked like a mermaid.

"I will nevzer underztand what that Serpent sees in that angel. I mean he's not exactly Heaven's Next Top Model iz he? Naw I think that would go to you. Wouldn't it?"

Bee was on the floor laughing as she failed to notice the slip until it was already said. 

Gabriel just stared blankly at her, then his face split into a smirk. So she thought he was handsome did she? 

"I juzt mean, that you, you are obviously more appealing than the pillsbury angel." 

She was turning beat red. With a grunt she buzzed off to her side of the cottage and buried herself in work. Gabriel laughed to himself, he had to admit she was rather adorable especially when she buzzed around. He never thought that she might feel the same way, certainly he had seen her stare at him sometimes. She would watch eyes wide and if he caught her she'd deflect with a "insult" and her buzz would become more noticeable. 

This troubled Gabriel though, was he becoming a hypocrite for finding her attractive? Gabriel just stuffed those feelings down and went to work himself. 

As the months dragged on they found themselves moving closer and closer to each other until they were working together in the living room. Separated only by a couple of chairs, Gabriel smelled something strange and found that she was eating a plate of black meat sticks. It smelled strange, he didn't realize he was staring as she bit into a rather long one. She glared up at him, her eyes danced with mischief and amusement. 

"Like what you zzee, wank-wingz?" She grinned her mouth full. 

  
  


"What kind of gross matter is that?" He pointed towards the rest of the food. 

"It'z called Black Pudding, try zome." She held out a bite on her fork.

"No thank you, I do not sully the temple of my body with gross matter." 

"Listen to Mizter Hollier than thou here, I know for a factz that you drink coffee becausez I can smell it on your breath. Come on surely me tempting you to consume "gross matter" izn't going to doomz you." 

Bee snickered still holding the fork out for him. 

This was a challenge, a stand off. It was a test to see who would fall first, Bee wasn't going to back down. Gabriel sighed grabbed the fork and took a bite, He almost expelled the food immediately. It was vile! Bee snorted laughing as he forced down the garbage. Small victories, Gabriel stared at her. 

"How on earth can you consume this stuff?" 

She just continued to laugh at him. 

"Poor babyzz Cupid doesn't like human stuff?"

She was buzzing as she laughed, her sides splitting with mirth. 

"Here let me wipe away the bad taste." 

Taking a rather bold move she planted a kiss on him. This took him by surprise and he paused a second before melting into it. His tongue poked at her mouth, she opened allowing their tongues to crash around each other.

Her hunger was reflected in his eyes and she felt heat rising in her. 

"Ztupid Cupid, I'll sully your temple yet." Her hands were on his jacket waiting for permission. 

He nodded as he felt an Effort being made in his pants. She stripped him of his clothes one by one. Each one she tossed aside was miracled folded and tidy. He began to strip her as well and soon they were both naked. He stared at her beauty, she was petite and lovely, her breasts were soft and he felt himself stiffen at what was between her legs. It was absolutely beautiful, he never knew something could feel this good. That a demon could make him feel this good. They went at it for hours both of them drawing moans from the other. He felt like he was on fire but it was a delightful fire. 

He was a hypocrite, he thought to himself. However maybe Aziraphale had a point about demons. 

* * *

**Present day, Cottage.**

"Zo what'z got you so worked up Ztupid Cupid?"

Her voice buzzed her concern and irritation.

He looked at her and grabbed her hands

"How are you feeling? Are you feeling good? Not feeling sick or strange or anything?" 

He looked desperate for an answer, Bee was actually starting to worry.

"I feelz fine, whyz would I feel strange or ill?" 

She looked into his purple eyes. 

He finally stopped pacing and sat down, it sounded like he was warring with himself on what he was going to say next. Breathing in deeply although he didn't need to he started to explain. 

"I have just learned that Angels and Demons are able to reproduce. That it is entirely possible for a child to be conceived between them." 

Beelzebub grew pale with shock. This is in no way what she was expecting. She got up and started to pace. 

"You mean?"

"Yes." 

"It really is?" 

"Yes." 

"And you know this how?" 

She stared at Gabriel, he wasn't the one who was pregnant was he? They had switched parts a couple of times but not often. He just put his face in his hands. 

"I can't disclose that information to you, it isn't mine to disclose." 

_'whew that means it's not him.'_

"So, what do we do with this information?"

She looked at him, she didn't want it to end. She looked forward to the time she spent here. Heaven's above she actually liked this angel, he looked back at her, his face reflecting her feelings.

"I guess we just need to be aware, to be careful about how we continue from here. Bee I don't want to drive you off. I don't want to lose this." 

He held her tightly and placed a kiss in her hair, 

"Bah, ztupid cupid I'm not going to stop being a problem for you anytime soon." 

He bent down and kissed her running his fingers through her hair, He lifted her up and lead her to the bed where he tossed her down. 

Giggling as he climbed on top of her, he started to undress her. Kissing every inch of skin he could find, soon both of them were undressed and he was getting quite stirred up. He placed a heavy kiss on her then worked his way down until he found his favorite treat. She gripped his hair tightly as he lavished her, moaning his name to the heavens themselves.

They fell into each other's arms and she began to drift off, she wondered as sleep creeped closer to her. What a baby Gabriel might look like, snorting she fell asleep in his arms. She guessed she could see Crowley's reasoning about angels, not that she'd ever let them know.

* * *

**Crowley and Aziraphale**

"Angel?" Crowley was looking through the flat and Aziraphale was nowhere to be found. 

She closed her eyes, reached out and felt him down in his bookshop. Tending to a bothersome customer, lucky for him she had a perfect excuse to chase the customer away.

She snapped her clothes on, a black tank top and an impossibly tight pair of black jeans. She'd better soak up all the tight pants she could wear at this time. All those pregnancy books eluded that her waistline would be expanding. She'd have to switch to elastic band (perish the thought) pants. Sliding down stairs she saw a grumpy looking old lady trying to purchase a Bible misprint. Aziraphale looked annoyed as he tried politely to get her to bugger off. 

"Dear Lady, I'm afraid I must ask you to put the Bible back it's not for sale."

"Then why is it on the shop room floor?" She clutched the book as if it already belonged to her. 

"It's not supposed to be out here, I ask that you please put it down." 

Aziraphale voice was bordering on rage. Crowley saw it as the perfect moment to sneak up behind him, snaking her arms around him she kissed his neck. 

"Angel if we're going to make our appointment with the Baby Doctor we need to go." 

She looked directly at the old woman whose face changed to one of fondness. 

"I see, well I guess I can come back some other time. I'd hate to hold you two up on something so important." She handed the Bible back and left. 

"Want me to make sure she never returns?" Crowley asked kissing Aziraphale's cheek, as expected he let out a fake gasp. 

"Crowley, I can't believe you would suggest something like that." Aziraphale *stormed* off.

"Oh Angel, I only meant I could make her forget this place ever existed."

She grabbed their coats and they headed out, the shop knew better than to allow anyone but them inside. Climbing into the Bentley they headed off towards the doctors office, Crowley still refused to drive like a sane person. In what should've been a 15 minute drive she got them there in 7. Laughing she pulled into a parking space and headed towards the building. She paused for a second when she spotted a shiny motorcycle parked in a handicap spot. One touch and she could tell that the man who drove it had absolutely no reason to be in that spot other than laziness. 

With a snap of her fingers the motorcycle disappeared, She laughed as they walked into the elevator.

"Dare I ask where you sent the boy's motor-bicycle?" Aziraphale stared at her as she smirked. 

"Let's just say it's gone to a higher place, and it's motorcycle or motorbike." She punched the floor button as they zoomed up.

The elevator doors opened to an office that reminded both of them of the clean sterility of Heaven. White walls, chrome desk and hard wooden chairs, It was rather uncanny. 

"Names?" 

The blonde secretary looked up through her glasses at the two, they paused for a moment.

"Umm, Aziraphale and Lilith Fell? We're new patients"

The woman stared at them gauging them for a moment before shrugging her shoulders and handing them a small stack of forms to fill out. 

"Fill these out as much as possible. Then return it to me and wait until you're called." 

Aziraphale and Crowley sat down and got to filling out the forms. 

"Age?" Crowley looked at Aziraphale, they can't just put older than time itself can they?

"Umm how about 34? Seems believable, what's next? Date of last period?" Crowley grimaced she'd read about periods(Eve's curse according to ancient men.) They didn't sound fun. "I guess the month before we figured it out?" 

Aziraphale wrote this down, the questions continued until they had filled out enough paperwork to rival hell's. Then they waited, for 30 mins before they were finally called back.

Soon they were sitting in a small room, Crowley was messing around on her phone while Aziraphale read. He didn't even blink when the doctor walked in, The doctor had silver hair and electric blue eyes. She somehow managed to look ancient and ageless at the same time. She smiled so brightly that it was almost blinding. 

"Hello, I'm Dia Mios." She stuck out her hand, Crowley shook it and nudged Aziraphale who looked up from his book. 

"Oh yes, good to meet you dear." The book disappeared from his hands as he put it down, As if it had never been there in the first place. 

"So it looks like this is your first kid?" She smiled at them.

Crowley nodded. 

"Well then let's get started." She clapped her hands together and directed Crowley to sit on the table. 

One cup miracled urine and three tubes of miracled blood later Crowley was laying on her back. Her shirt was pulled up and the waistband of her pants pulled down a little. Dr. Mios had a weird computer brought in, it was called a sonogram machine. She turned it on and applied some weird kind of jelly to Crowley's stomach. 

"Ahh, that's cold." 

"Yes, but it's needed, now we just need to move it around a little bit." 

The doctor said this as she pushed the scanning device into Crowley's abdomen. For what was supposed to be a less invasive procedure, it was rather uncomfortable. 

Aziraphale held Crowley's hand the entire time, looking at him he gave her a smile and squeezed her hand. They were staring at each other when a strange sound filled the room. 

They looked back at the monitor and the Dr.Mios smiled at them. 

"That's your baby's heartbeat and here," She clicked around the screen a couple of times.

"Here is your baby." She was pointing to a small blob on the screen.

Crowley felt overwhelmed by this, she just stared at the screen. Listening to the rapid heartbeat, she suddenly felt something wet dripping on her. Looking up it was Aziraphale, he was crying while staring at the screen. She smirked and gave his hand a small squeeze.

"Well from the size of the fetus it looks like you're almost three months along. Any morning sickness?" 

"Yes, entirely too much if you ask me." 

Crowley hated spending so much time puking in the toilet. And why do they call it morning sickness if you get sick all damn day? 

"I see, well that should go away soon as you enter your second trimester. Just remember to get plenty of exercise and food, you'll also want to take some vitamins and mind what you consume." She handed a list of to-do things.

"If you'll wait a moment I'll be back with a picture of the sonogram for you to take home." 

She got up and left, Crowley miracled the goop away and sat up. Only to be pulled into a tight hug by Aziraphale.

"Oi angel what's gotten into you?" She didn't actually mind the more Aziraphale touched and held her the happier she was. 

"I'm so lucky to have you, you are truly the most beautiful creature I have ever known. You are my home, my rock, my everything." 

"Angel, calm down."

She tried to pat his back but it was hard with her arms pinned down. She was glad he couldn't see her face at the moment, because she was blushing like a fool. He just tightened his hold on her, she sighed and relaxed into it. 

"I love you to angel, and I'm the one who's lucky to have you."

He laughed, pulled back and kissed her. They put their foreheads together as a knock sounded. Dr. Mios was back, she beamed at the display of affection and handed them their picture. 

"I'll see you back in about a month and then every two weeks from there. Here's a list of classes to help you prepare for the baby." 

Thanking her profusely they headed out. 

"Good luck Aziraphale and Crowley. I look forward to seeing you again soon." 

This caused them to do a double take, but Dr. Mios was already gone back to her office. The blonde aid handed them an appointment reminder card as they left. 

"Did you tell her my name?" 

Crowley asked holding Aziraphale's hand and ignoring the commotion in the background.

"I don't think I did, I used the name Lilith but I don't think either of us mentioned your last name." 

They walked past a young man who was arguing with a security guard, about his motorcycle being on the roof. They got into the Bentley and drove off to find something to eat. 

Driving off they failed to notice the white haired man standing behind a tree. He threw his cigarette to the ground and stalked off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh-oh looks like their troubles aren't over yet. Don't worry it doesn't actually get anymore agnsty then the Family Time chapter. Much more mild.  
> I know I put Beezybub as They/them in the last chapter but I was finding it hard to write a smut scene for them like that. So I think from this point forward I'll have it like Crowley where they're genderfluid and their pro-nouns change on Earth.


	5. An Angel fell.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title is actually from a song.  
> I'd like to thank NINE from YouTube for giving me permission to use her lovely ballad. I really suggest you guys check her out, she's written original fansongs for Good Omens.  
> Link will be in the notes.  
> Beezybub's speech impediment gets more noticeable the more irratated They get as does Crowley's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/noT-I5BHd90
> 
> Joiel like many of the Heavenly Host doesn't have a human gender.

Crowley looked in the mirror trying not to be angry at her figure. It wasn't the growing belly, Even though it meant she couldn't wear her favorite pants anymore. It wasn't her breasts which had changed from A cup to a B cup, those hurt as they grew but Aziraphale had found some wonderful salve with aloe vera. Which soothed the tenderness, no her anger was at her scars. 

She'd never liked seeing them, which was a major part of the reason she mostly miracled her clothes on without changing from her PJ's. There were seven in all, four down her back where her wings had been ripped from her in the Fall. One on her side from where her brother cut her in an attempt to save her from falling, and two more from where Sandalphon cut her in an attempt to kill her. 

The ones on her torso didn't hurt anymore, just a reminder of it all. The ones on her legs still twinged a bit, Celestial wounds can take time to heal after all. A light knock on the door sounds, Aziraphale is reminding her that they need to leave soon. She traced the lines of the scars and sighed before putting snapping on some clothes. A nice black dress reminiscent of Morticia Addams popped into being. She put her hair up in a messy bun and headed out. 

"Ready, My Dear?" Aziraphale kissed her as she hugged him. 

"No, but let's get it over with." Her nerves were already jumping. 

They got into the Bentley and for once Crowley was driving at a slower speed. She wasn't really looking forward to today. As they approached the familiar building and went in she shivered at the escalator leading into Hell. There waiting at the bottom of the escalator to Heaven was a blonde angel that resembled a Barbie doll. Though without the impossible chest size. 

"Good morning Sir Aziraphale and Madam Crowley, I am Joiel angel of new meetings, I will be accompanying you to Heaven."

They bowed and Aziraphale bowed back, Crowley just waved. 

"Umm, why do we need an escort to Heaven?" Crowley asked looking at the up escalator.

"In order to reach Heaven from this entrance you must be an active service angel or be accompanied by an active service angel. If you'll follow me we can get right to it." 

They stepped onto the escalator together and as they did, felt the barrier of heaven pass over them. Aziraphale and Joiel both sighed in bliss and Crowley let out a sharp breath from the sting.

"Don't worry, as long you have permission to be here you won't be disintegrated. The pain will pass in a quick minute." 

Joiel didn't stop smiling as They spoke, sure enough in a minute the pain passed and they were on the first floor of Heaven. 

"Right this way to the courtrooms." 

Joiel lead them down a brightly lit hall, as they passed many angels were pointing and staring at them. Crowley looked so out of place in her black clothing and glasses. She grabbed Aziraphale's hand looking very nervous. They eventually reached a set of wooden doors that said "Courtroom 1" on it. Joiel paused and turned around still beaming that Barbie doll smile. 

"If you'll have a seat on the benches you'll be called when your case begins." They bowed again and walked away. 

"You didn't get a trail, why are they giving that bastard one?" Crowley grumbled to Aziraphale.

"Well I imagine to send a message, they just wanted me gone as soon as possible, I wasn't even that well known up here. Whereas Sandolphon is more well known, but I have to agree I didn't think that they would just attempt to destroy me without letting me defend myself." 

Aziraphale looked sad at this, so many years he had served Heaven and they never seemed to appreciate it.

Crowley just hugged her angel tightly and kissed his curls. 

"Raphael?" A pleasant voice sounded from down the hall.

"I do wish they'd stop calling me that." 

Aziraphale patted her hand

"RAPHAEL!" Suddenly she was tackled into a hug by a smaller angel with hair the color of chocolate. 

"Zariel? Is that you?" 

Crowley face split into a smile as she recognized the angel hugging her. She hugged back tightly and laughed when she noticed Aziraphale looking at her puzzled she explained.

"Aziraphale, this is Zariel angel of medics and doctors. She worked directly under me." Aziraphale just smiled and shook her hand. 

"I thought Raphael was the angel of medics?" He looked at them. 

"Well Raphael was more the overseer and guider, my position is more technical. Oh I actually got promoted! I'm now Angel of Midwives and Childbirth " 

She beamed at them her basil green eyes twinkling.

"Speaking of which, hello there." 

She placed her hand on Crowley's stomach.

"What a wonder you are, you will be the first of your kind won't you." 

Zariel looked back at the two expecting parents. 

"First of their kind? They won't be the only one?" 

Aziraphale looked worried.

"That's truly up for the Almighty to decide, but I have a feeling that it'll become more clear as things press on." 

Suddenly before they could ask anymore questions they were called into the courtroom. 

Zariel waved goodbye as she had duties too tend to and they walked into a large dome shaped room. There were Archangels, Cherubim and Thrones. Two of each level were seated at a large table with an empty chair in the middle. The only two Crowley recognized were Uriel and another face she hadn't seen since the Fall, Ramiel. Neither addressed her but Uriel smiled at her as she approached.

"Angel Aziraphale and Demon Crowley formerly Archangel Raphael." One of the Thrones spoke

"Just Crowley, if you don't mind."

She didn't know how long she could put up with being called by that name. 

"Very well, Angel Aziraphale and Crowley, you are summoned here to give witness to the court on what happened between you and the Archangel Sandalphon. This trial shall be overseen by representatives of each choir and the Metatron. Please be seated and we can begin." 

Taking their seats they watched as various angels filled the room. Soon there wasn't an empty seat left, although this was only a small gathering of the mass number of angels there truly is. There wasn't a single choir that wasn't represented, it seemed like the verdict of this trail is to be known to all of heaven. As things settled a large white light shown throughout the courtroom. Metatron took his seat and motioned to begin. 

"Bring in the accused." A portly Throne spoke.

The doors opened and four Powers dragged a rather tired looking Sandalphon to the bench. He was still chained up and when he saw Crowley he lunged at her only to fall as the chains tightened. 

"Enough. Sandalphon, if you keep struggling the chains drain you of all of your energy."

Uriel stared at him and he sneered back at Them.

So the trail began, the Archangels gave testimony of the official pardon passed down by God and the Metatron. Aziraphale and Crowley gave their testimony, Crowley's being the most important as she had in no way initiated the attack. Sandalphon didn't say a word until it came time for him to give his reasoning. 

"I was simply trying to right the wrong, that demon is not deserving of mercy. I was going to deal with it, but her pet angel had to get in the way." 

Crowley leapt up and was waved back down by Metatron. 

"If Aziraphale hadn't been there you would have been guilty of slaying someone who was under an order of protection. Do you really think that at any point you would have gotten away with this?" Uriel glared at him.

He said nothing.

"Sandalphon, are you willing to apologize for what you did and take a demotion of status?" 

The Metatron asked him not breaking eye contact for a single moment. 

"No" 

He snarled out. 

"Jealousy has blinded you from seeing the purpose of God's plan. Since you will not repent I order you to be Felled for your crimes. This is binding and final." 

As the gavel fell a familiar smell of sulfur wafted through the air. Crowley was squeezing Aziraphale's hand so tightly that it was hurting him. But not as much as Sandalphon, as a loud cracking noise was heard and flames of Hell were seen. Sandalphon plummeted screaming as he dropped. 

Crowley's knuckles were white and she desperately wanted to go home. Aziraphale just embraced her, kissing her hair and trying to calm her. 

"Angel Aziraphale and Demon Crowley, I thank you for attending today. Let it be known to all of Heaven that these two are under the Almighty's protection. This court is dismissed." 

The Metatron banged his gavel and the angels started filling out. Aziraphale helped Crowley stand, before they could leave they were approached by the Archangels.

"Raph-Crowley, Aziraphale. Good to see you again, although I wish it was under better circumstances." 

Gabriel shook hands with both of them. Ramiel was staring at Crowley. She approached her sibling and looked her in the eyes. 

"It's really you. I thought we'd never see you again. May I hug you?" 

Crowley was a little taken aback by this, it was the first time she was asked. She just nodded her head and Ramiel embraced her, Gabriel spoke up.

"I was wondering if we could pop in from time to time. It would be good to get a chance to talk again." 

Crowley looked at her husband. 

"I think Aziraphale should have a say in it. After all you did try to execute him." 

Aziraphale thought about it, certainly he was still miffed that they didn't even grant him a trail. Not too mention all the years of neglect from them. But he also knew that even if she didn't say it Crowley desperately missed her brethren. 

She looked at him and in her mind he could hear her saying. 

_* Your feelings matter in this as well, I don't want you to be uncomfortable.*_

_*I understand dearest and I thank you for that.*_

Giving her hand a reassuring squeeze he looked at his former bosses.

"I will accept it so long as you give us a notice beforehand and are civil." 

The Archangels all agreed to this, before they headed home though Crowley had to ask. 

"Where is Raguel? Surely he didn't Fall?" 

Raguel was the angel of righteous vengeance, not as bloodthirsty as some humans believed he was more about justice. He also saved her when their brother Samael attempted to slay her. The other Archangels just stared sadly at her. 

"We're not sure, after the battle was over and done with he took off. No one has seen or heard from him since. He was upset at how many we lost. Having to slay Samael took a heavy toll on him." 

Uriel's voice was mixed up with different emotions. 

"Samael may have gone insane but he was still one of us, as are you and Sandalphon. Raguel never raised his swords for any other reason than justice." 

Gabriel said looking at the floor. 

"Yeah, I know. And don't expect any clear answers from her, we all know what happens when you ask questions."

Crowley was growing more and more irritated. 

"I think we should head home, thank you for having us here. Let us go my dear." 

"Aziraphale, one moment please." 

Gabriel halted them.

"Yes Gabriel?" 

" We really are sorry about what we did. If you want your job back we're more than willing to start the paperwork to approve it." 

Aziraphale grimaced, it seemed like everything was paperwork. 

"I accept your apology, I don't know if I'm ready to forgive you though. If you don't mind, I'd rather have some time to think about it, before returning to work. Thank you, good day." 

Crowley wasn't feeling up to driving home so Aziraphale just snapped them there. The Bentley was already outside the store waiting. 

Crowley just climbed the stairs and collapsed into bed. She'd been pushed past her limits and it had been getting to her. Snapping a more comfortable outfit she fell asleep as Aziraphale rubbed her back humming a lullaby. 

Sleep did not grant her a reprieve from her mind, she dreamed of being in the battle. Watching angels die and be Felled, she watched as Hanael was killed by Samael. She was suddenly in Raguel's place and Sandalphon in Samael's. Suddenly she was Falling and could feel the flames, it changed and now she was in the bookshop watching it burn. She awoke thrashing and screaming at the top of her lungs. 

Arms embraced her and stroked her hair, Aziraphale was there whispering gently to her. 

"It's alright my love, it was just a nightmare. It's alright, you're alright." 

She clung to him tears pouring from her eyes. 

"I was Falling again, I killed Samael who turned into Sandaphon, I was in the bookshop as it burned and I couldn't find you." 

"Samael's death and Sandaphon's Fall were by their own actions. I'm right here and we're safe here."

"Why did she Fell me? All I did was ask questions, I didn't want anyone to Fall. I couldn't save them, I tried but I couldn't. Why was my punishment to Fall? Is it really a bad thing to try and save people?" 

"I don't know why you were Felled, I can't answer that for you. But I don't think it was without reason, I think we just haven't seen it yet." 

"It hurts to Fall, I know he attacked me with intent to kill, and I don't think he should have gone unpunished but seeing him fall brought everything back." 

She was sobbing into Aziraphale's arms as he rocked her gently. He didn't have any answers for her so he just hummed a gentle lullaby. A lullaby he wrote for her, his beloved demon. 

"What's that you're humming? I only hear it when you're around me, I don't think I've heard it anywhere else." She looked up at him and he kissed her and smiled. 

"Well I imagine you never heard anywhere else because I wrote it especially for you." 

His blue eyes stared into her golden ones. She looked amazed that he wrote a song for her.

"Would you like to hear it properly?" 

She nodded.

**_" This is the World's longest kept secret._ **

**_Won't fit in any coffin or locket._ **

**_No shoebox would ever hold true what I feel for you._ **

**_Only one cage can contain my whispers and it's keeping your lungs, your heart and your jitters._ **

**_Your spark of good that still shines through and says "I love you"."_ **

As he sung Crowley felt her eyes drift close and she fell into a more peaceful sleep. He rubbed her back and ran his fingers through her hair. 

She breathed gently as her mind quieted into a beautiful dream. She was standing on familiar white sands, she could feel her wings stretch and bend with the wind. She couldn't resist as she took off dipping and diving through the air. It felt wonderful to fly again.

Not much opportunities to fly on earth and definitely not in Hell. She suddenly felt as if she wasn't alone, she felt a familiar presence. One she hadn't felt in 6,000 years. She stilled and slowly sank down onto the sands. 

"I know you're there, I want to know what you want." Her voice echoes through the air. 

She hears an amused laugh in return and a hears Mother's voice respond to her. 

**"Always with the questions. You were one of the wisest out of my angels. I've missed it"**

"Then why did you Fell me?" Crowley called out.

**"You have every right to be angry and upset about what I did. I can't reveal it all now but if you think about it, really think about it you'll find your answer."**

"Was it all so I would be in the right place to deliver the Antichrist? All to what? Give the world a chance at being saved? I didn't even do much other than misplace the boy, even then that was more the humans than me." 

**"Yes I know, you have done well my child. Even when it seemed like you were screwing everything up."**

"Why are you just now talking to me? Why have you given us a child, do you plan to use the child like a toy? Because I won't stand for it!"

Crowley took a tone of voice usually reserved for ill behaved plants. 

A laugh ran through the air shifting the sands. 

**"I don't suppose you will, but worry not. My plans are not to use your child for anything other than a gift to you and Aziraphale. I know your hearts and minds, I know that you both desired children. I wanted to bless you, but it's not the only blessing I seek to give you"**

"Are you going to take me back? I'm not sure if I'm ready to be accepted back." Crowley responds 

**"Maybe someday but not yet, no I come to give you both a gift. A blessing that will help protect you, there are still those who seek to do you harm. I cannot fully intervene, well actually I can but that goes against Free Will and everything. No matter what happens, know that I love you and I love all of my children. Even the ones who Fell are not gone from my heart. My precious Raphael, you and Aziraphale will become something new. Something that's a mix of Heaven and Hell, I do this because the earth needs you. You and Aziraphale are the Earth-Bound. Take my blessings and know that I love you."**

Crowley felt the presence disappear and a wave of burning warmth spread over her. It didn't hurt but it was startling to say the least. She cried out and heard Aziraphale cry out as well, her eyes flew open. She sat up in fear, Aziraphale was hunched over. She snapped on the light to see better and gasped at what she saw. 

Four glimmering silver wings sprung from his back.

"Angel! Are you hurt? Please be ok." She crawled over to him as he lifted his head up. 

"I'm fine My Dear just star- good lord your wings!" 

He stared in return and suddenly Crowley realized that the weight of her wings had changed. Suddenly it felt like there was more than one pair. She brought her wings forward and would've fallen out of the bed if Aziraphale didn't catch her. 

Six golden wings were attached to her, she moved each one mystified at the sight of them. 

She didn't realize that tears were pouring from her eyes. 

"Crowley, what on Heaven and Earth does this mean?" 

Crowley shook her wings out before folding them back in, she told Aziraphale everything about her dream. Aziraphale listened intently, they spent hours discussing it.

"Protection, against those who still seek to do us harm? What kind of protection do you think she means?" 

He was holding her tightly, so their trails weren't over yet. He wouldn't let anyone take her from him.

"I was thinking about it and I think I've figured it out."

She snapped a glass of water into being, and held it out to Aziraphale. 

"Bless it." 

"What! Are you out of your mind!" Aziraphale voice rose.

"Look, I know I sound crazy." 

"I would say so! I'm not going to give you something that can destroy you! Not again." He couldn't have this argument again, he got up to leave. 

"Aziraphale please, I didn't mean it like that, just listen to me." She grabbed his hand and held it tightly. 

"Look I'll put it down on the nightstand, but I need to test my idea." She placed the glass down and looked at him, Silently pleading.

"And how are you planning to test it? A single drop can burn a hole in your essence that'll never be healed." He sat back down and looked into her eyes. 

"I won't risk my dearest love or our child." He said placing his hand on her belly. 

"I know, believe me I do. I'm going to be smart about this, watch." 

Crowley brought out one of her wings again and plucked a feather from it. She handed it to her Angel. 

"Here you can do it, bless the water and then put the feather in the cup. If my theory is true then nothing will happen. If something does happen then we'll know either way." 

Aziraphale sighed and agreed. 

"All right but for safety's sake can you please move as far from the glass as possible." 

Crowley moved to the other side of the room where she still had a clear view. Aziraphale blessed the glass, with a small chime the water glittered for a second before going still. 

He took a breath and dropped the golden feather into the glass. Nothing happened, it just floated there. 

"Ha!"

Crowley came forward and reached for the cup, out of instinct Aziraphale grabbed her wrist to stop her. He let go quickly.

"Please be incredibly careful." 

She kissed him and taking her feather out by the dry quick she held out her pinky and allowed the smallest of drops to fall on the tip of it. It rolled off her finger just like regular water. 

She smirked at Aziraphale who looked like he was in-between shock and amazement. 

"Do you think this means?" He started.

"Only one way to find out, here hand me a feather." 

Aziraphale plucked one of his silver feathers and put it in her hands. She took several steps back, making sure to be just as cautious as before. With great strain she produced the smallest amount of Hellfire and focused on trying to burn the feather. Like the burning bush nothing happened, the hellfire danced on the feather but not a single part was destroyed. 

Aziraphale was up and drew close to it, mirroring her attempt with the water he held out his finger and just barely grazed the hellfire. It tickled as he touched it, they both let out sharp laughs.

Whatever came next they had protection, their long held fears subsided. 

They held each other close, kissing and cuddling. Falling back onto the bed they felt heat rise in them and soon they had stripped each other of their clothes. They stayed joined together, bliss and comfort in the fact that they were together and they weren't planning on being apart.

* * *

Beelzebub was having a crappy day, first they had to deal with a long list of complaints. Chief of which was Hastur continuing to bitch about the exile order on the demon Crowley. They had explained to him that it was under Lucifer's orders that Crowley be left alone. Hastur wasn't happy about it. 

"Lizten, if you have zuch an izzue take it up with Lucifer, I'd love to zee what happenz. I'm done with it. Now leave before I makez you clean the Hellhound cagez." 

Hastur stomped away and Beezelbub collapsed in their throne. They had a massive headache and they felt weird, like more weird than what was normal for hell. They remembered what Gabriel had said about reproduction and now they felt off. 

A disposable came into their office and handed them a large paper bag. 

"Just like you asked my Prince. I wasn't exactly sure what you were looking for so I got all the ones I could find."

"Good, nowz forget I ever azked you for thiz or I'll toss you to the cannibalz on level 4" 

The disposable ran off with a shriek and Beezelbub opened the bag. It was indeed filled with what they had asked for. Getting up from their desk they decided to take an extended lunch. 

They popped into the cottage and found one of the bathrooms that came with it. Thank Satan they read up on this. They used every brand in the bag, all of them came out positive. Cursing they wound up using every single one in the bag. 

"Well zhitz." They hung their head in their hands. 

"Bee?" Gabriel's voice came through the house. 

"Inz here" 

"Bee what is it? What's wro-?" 

Gabriel stopped as soon as he walked in, there on the floor was the Demon Prince surrounded by pregnancy tests. All of them positive. 

"Bee? Are you ok?" 

"Guess what?" They said looking lost. Where the hell do they go from here?

* * *

While Beezelbub was out dealing with their little problem Dagon was in charge. Dagon grumbled into her hand as she had to listen to Hastur. 

"FOR FUCK SAKES HASTUR! Take this up with Lucifer, I can't do anything about it. Since you won't leave me alone about it you have the honor of scrubbing the loo's on level 3!" 

"But, that's the gluttons level!" Hastur complained. 

"Yeah well you pushed it too far, I don't know why you don't talk to Lucifer about the exile order."

She stomped around angrily, souls awaiting her stamp fled from her. Now was not a good time to talk to her, of course it was at this moment that the skies of Hell had to open up and an angel plummeted into the pit. 

"For Satan's sake! You!" She snapped at the nearest disposable. He jumped violently.

"Y-yes my Prince?" He stammered.

"Go pull whoever that is and bring them to my office ...NOW!" 

She sat down in her chair rubbing her eyes, not ten minutes later two different disposables came with the newly minted demon between them. 

"What happened to the first one I sent?" 

"He tripped and fell into the pool, my Prince." 

She sent them off and began to take in the demon in front of her. 

"Hmm, what was your name fallen?" She pulled at his hair forcing him to look her in the eyes. 

This was a test of course, no one remembered who they were except Lucifer. His face was dusted with wiry black fur and whiskers. 

"Sandalphon." He gasped out beady red eyes staring at her. 

She dropped him, and then smiled wickedly. 

An Archangel, well this was an interesting development. She stood over him and laughed. 

"Your name now is Rattus, it'll go well with your corporation. Now get to scrubbing the loo's on level 3. Here's your scrub brush." 

She tossed him a Barbie training toothbrush and sent a disposable to drag him to his new job. Let him stew for a decade or two, she went back to work. Growling at anyone who dared approach her.

Sandalphon was unkindly thrown into a special place in Hell. Level 3 was reserved for the sinners of gluttony, Marie Antoinette was there. Along with a lot of Aristo's and strangely a man who had claimed to have put to death 998 Aristo's. (In reality it was only 12) condemned to eat spoiled food and drinks for the rest of eternity. Rattus groaned as he looked upon the loo's of level 3. There was another demon with a frog on his head there, grumbling and muttering about Crowley. 

_*Crowley? Now that's very interesting.*_ Rattus thought to himself. 

"You!" Rattus pointed to the other Demon.

The demon glared daggers at him. 

"What do you want filth?"

Hastur wasn't happy this lowly demon was speaking to a Duke like this. The demon scooted closer to him.

"You hate Crowley as well?" 

The demon's reeked of sewage and waste. 

"What is it to you? And you'll not speak to me like that. I am a Duke of hell where as you're nothing but a worm." 

"I have a reason to believe that Crowley's Holy Water trick was fake, that he's not immune to it. I have reason to see him utterly and completely destroyed. Perhaps you can help this happen? Perhaps you know someway to get rid of him?" 

Rattus looked at Hastur silently begging him to listen to him. Hastur smiled.

"Well there's always their first master, Crowley is petrified of old Asmodeus." 

The two laughed and began to plot the destruction of Crowley. 

.

.

https://youtu.be/noT-I5BHd90

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/noT-I5BHd90
> 
> God is a troll. I took the inspiration for the court scene from the Fanfic "For God is ineffable in all her love." I loved the idea of the two of them facing Heaven's Court. Although I didn't copy it word for word and hopefully it comes of as it's own thing. Because I really just wanted to place them in a similar situation. I do recommend checking out the Fanfic though it's a really good one.  
> Did I throw in some random OC's?  
> Yes.  
> Will they show up again?  
> Maybe.  
> Am I just using this Fanfic to write whatever silly idea pop's into my head?  
> Yes, I suppose I am.  
> Will I stop?  
> No, I will not.  
> Thanks again to anyone reading and enjoying my story. It's really helping boost my confidence when it comes to writing.


	6. Surprise?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Glimpse into the past and Gabriel drops by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last chapter of the year. Just a little bit of agnst. Next chapter is going to be fluff.

_*Aziraphale hasn't seen Crawly since the Ark.*_

_He was a little shocked when he found an extra pin on the ark. One that he sure wasn't there before, Noah's family didn't seem to notice it, As if by magic their eyes passed over it. He decided to investigate this and was startled to see her sitting there surrounded by children. One of them a small girl was asleep in her lap while she played a game with a young boy. Two other girls were brushing and braiding her long hair and a pre-teen boy was passing out food. He handed Aziraphale something that was called an orange. He bit into it and recoiled a little at the taste, which prompted a laugh from Crawly._

_"Your supposed to peel it first Angel. Here let me show you."_

_She held out her hand and he handed her the fruit. With a steady hand she peeled off the hard rind and passed him back a fragrant sphere. He bit into it, and let out a small moan. Which caused her to laugh and him to blush._

_"What on Earth are you doing here, anyways?" He asked her finishing off the delicious treat._

_"I'm defying the Almighty by saving these wretched little ones."_

_She said while brushing the head of the little girl in her lap. The girls braiding her hair and the little boy laughed at this._

_"Will your side be ok with this?" Aziraphale asked looking concerned for her._

_"Eh, I'm sure they'll be fine with it. I am defying the Almighty after all. How bad could it be?"_

_There was a slight tremor in her voice, she was hiding something. The rest of the journey was spent caring for the children she had saved. After it was all over, she handed them off to Aziraphale. He wished her goodbye and promised to find somewhere safe for them._

_She began her descent into Hell, no sooner had she arrived she was seized by Ligur and Hastur._

_"Your Master wants a word with you Crawly. You could kick and scream if you'd like but it won't change a thing."_

_They dragged her away and to a familiar prison door. Throwing her in the cell she shivered at the cold. Asmodeus had made this cell especially for her, her body unable to retain body heat do to it belonging to a snake. She just sat and waited, Asmodeus liked to keep his creatures (as he called them) waiting. He would make them wait for 5 mins to 5 years, there was even a rumour that one of his creatures is still waiting for him to come for them._

_She didn't have to wait to long before he walked in. She knelt at his feet and waited for him to address her. The more she complied the quicker this would all go._

_"Crawly, rise." She obeyed_

_"You have been good haven't you? My pretty thing."_

_He dragged a sharp claw across her face barely grazing her hair causing some of it to fall. She began to close in on herself, burying her emotions behind a shell._

_"I only sought to perturb the Almighty, she had called for the death and destruction of all the locals. I saw to it that some survived."_

_"Yes, you saved some little brats. I'm sure you feel accomplished."_

_His voice growled at her ear, she could smell his rotting breath. She stood stock still._

_"The adults were already dripping in sin, those who were destined for Hell are now here. The children still have souls to taint and corrupt, (she knew that the angel would bless them to have a better chance at Heaven) I simply sought to give Hell a better chance."_

_Asmodeus laughed at this._

_"Regardless of your reasoning you must be punished, you know that right my pretty thing?"_

_She tried not to tremble._

_"Y-yes master."_

_With a wave of his hand she was naked and chained against the wall. She braced herself for what was coming, he likes to take his time in using and abusing his creatures. Her only solace is that he liked to punish them in private._

_Other Masters are known for making a public display of their tortures._

_After he was done, she was dropped from the chains and collapsed on the floor. Cracking her knee against the stone._

_"You will stay here until you are deemed fit enough to be released."_

_She just nodded and he left her to tend to her wounds. She stopped the bleeding, she'd only get worse if she discorperated in Hell, or if she healed the wounds completely. She just sat and waited for how long she didn't know. Time flows differently in Hell, but soon she heard the turning of keys. She returned to her bowing position and heard a familiar voice, She felt a pass of magic as she was clothed again._

_"Rize Demon Crawly, Lucifer wishez to zee you in private." Beelzebub stood before her._

_She obeyed and followed, limping slowly as she tried not to put weight on her bad knee. Beelzebub stopped her, seemingly annoyed at their lack of progress They waved their hand and healed her knee._

_She didn't say thank you, you shouldn't in Hell._

_They stopped at the doors of the throne room. They opened and she went inside bowing to Beelzebub before she did._

_"Raphael, you have arrived." Lucifer's voice rang across the room._

_"As you asked brother."_

_She'd only call him that when they were alone. He materialized in front of her, taking in her wounds, With a wave they were gone._

_"You could be a ruler you know? My right hand, everyone would bow to you Beelzebub, Hastur, even your current master. If you lay claim to your role you could do to him what he does to you." Lucifer's voice was rich and dripping with temptation._

_In her smaller moments usually after a session with Asmodeus she felt the temptation to say yes. To take the throne offered to her, in these moments she thought about all she could do if she said yes. However she's seen how the throne has corrupted and tainted her brother._

_She also thinks of the Angel, of his sweet smile and laugh. She thinks of how she first saw him in heaven, to nervous to get close. When she thinks of him her heart flutters and she find resolve to turn the offer down._

_"I do not seek power like you brother, I am content at where I am." She speaks forcefully._

_Lucifer sits back and takes in her answer._

_"I feel like talent like yours is wasted, you will return to earth. But first stop over with Dagon to report to your new master." He waved her from the room._

_She left without bowing, something only she could possibly get away with._

_She headed to Dagon office, The Prince was already looking grumpy._

_"Lucifer said that I am to report to you about my new master."_

_Dagon looked up at her and pulled her file.(the torture of paperwork has existed for a long time. It was actually started by Hell and dripped it's way to humans thanks to certain red-headed demon.)_

_"Ah yes, it says that Menace is to be your new master. Bad luck he's the embodiment of sloth. Incredibly lazy, barely even notices he has servants. Sign here."_

_She holds out a file and Crawly looks it over before signing her name. She feels the brand on her upper arm change and when she pulls up her sleeve it reads the ancient name of her new master. She heads to his office to find him fast asleep, this is odd. She didn't know demons could sleep, she isn't sure if she should risk waking him but she'd like to get out of here as soon as possible._

_He awakes with a grunt and when she introduces herself he just tells her to grab a file on his desk and leave. The file she grabs is about a king and a tower, she just shrugs and heads out. On the way she runs into Hastur and Ligur, they grabbed her by the wrists preventing her from leaving just yet._

_"You better hurry your pretty face up to earth. Asmodeus isn't happy that one of his creatures got away from him."_

_They laugh as she fights. ( you're actually permitted and expected to fight against your fellow demons. It's only your master that you're not allowed to fight against.)_

_She can sense his arrival. Frustrated and annoyed she brings her feet down on theirs crushing their toes with a satisfactory snap. She then slams her head into their noses and takes off before Asmodeus can get his claws on him again._

_Crawly dusts off the dirt, his hair shortened to a more common men's style. He'll have to check around to see what the men in this area are actually wearing, but for now it'll do. When he checks into the town of Babel it's been 700 years since he was on earth. He can feel a familiar and welcome presence, breathing in the smell he heads to the house it's pouring from. Before he can even knock the door swings open and he's greeted by a warm smiling Aziraphale._

_"Hello Angel, been awhile."_

_They sit and chat sharing a jug of something vaguely alcoholic. Aziraphale stops for a moment when he sees the bruise on Crawly's head. With a gentle look he softly brushed his hand across it and heals it, He tries not to lean into the touch. They return to their discussion of what's been happening while he was gone. It's a good night and Crawly finds a little more of his shell chipping away._

* * *

Crowley is laying down on the couch, her head in Aziraphale's lap as he reads. He's brushing his fingers gently through her hair and as she dozes in and out of sleep. At some point he puts his hand on her upper arm and it's here that she realizes something. 

Her brand is gone! Usually she can feel a slight burn if someone touches it, even though her clothes. All she feels is the angel's fingers. She sits up quickly and pulls up her sleeve, it really is gone. All that's on her arm is freckles. 

"Are you alright Crowley?" Aziraphale looks at her.

"It's gone!" She responds.

"What's is darling?" 

"My master's brand, there's nothing there." 

She shows Aziraphale who just passes his fingers over the skin. He smiles delighted at this. 

"I guess it means that you are you're own master now." He kisses her forehead and she leans into it. 

"Menace wasn't a bad master by Hell's standards, well actually he was. Lazy old Sod, had his servants do all his work for him and only punished you if Hell demanded it."

She said looking the slightest bit sad, she'd be lying if she said that a small part of her wasn't going to miss learning tips and tricks from Menace. He truly was the embodiment of sloth, but he also taught her a lot on how to annoy humans. He didn't really do severe punishment either, usually preferring to sentence you to cleaning duty or filing. No the only times he actually laid a hand on his servants was if Hell demanded it.

Being reassigned to him was supposed to be a punishment for her failures, he was the lowest of the Seven sins. She knew differently, when she belonged to Asmodeus(wrath) she was rarely seen without some kind of mark from him. None of his creatures could escape being marked by him, he loved it. Relished their fear of him, to a point that even in the few times she saw him Aziraphale noticed. 

The first time he did he ever the gentle soul and kind heart healed her when she wouldn't heal herself. She freaked out on him and screamed at him because if her master found his marks gone before they naturally should be she'd get so much worse. She didn't blame the angel, she knew that he was just trying to be kind. She was terrified though and took off, ignoring him until the Job fiasco.(on that note it was actually Sandalphon and Hastur who were responsible for it. Crowley and Aziraphale were given clean up duty.)

She returned to her angel's lap snuggling up to him as he lay a hand on her stomach. She felt a squirm of happiness from the life growing inside her. She sighed contentedly and would've fallen asleep if not for the flash of light along with a chime, A scroll hovered in front of them, reading. 

**"The Archangel Gabriel seeks an emergency audience with you. Please respond quickly."**

Aziraphale and Crowley looked at each other, what was happening?

"Granted?" They replied.

A knock sounded at the door. They answered it. 

Gabriel stood there and someone was hidden behind him. 

"What's going on Gabriel?" Crowley asked trying to see who was hiding. 

"We need your help." He looked strained 

"We who?" Aziraphale asked shuffling up to the door. 

"It's alright, they're the only ones who can understand right now." Gabriel said to small figure behind him. 

"Finez, but I'z ztill thinkz thiz iz crazy." 

"Lord Beelzebub?" Crowley looked apprehensive.

Aziraphale stared at Gabriel as they came in.

"Umm so you know the thing you're dealing with?" 

"Which one?" Crowley asked

"The baby one." He responded

"Yes?" 

"Well, you're not alone in it anymore." 

They all stared at each other. 

"Congratulations?"

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't actually know when oranges became a thing so I'm just going to go with Crowley's imagination allows them to bend the rules of time.


	7. Plan ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley and Aziraphale sit down to tea with the Ineffable Bureaucracy. Hastur and Rattus meet up with a infamous face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else have ADHD and therefore have a hard time sitting still?

**Heaven before the war**

* * *

**_Heaven was beautiful and vast. There were millions of angels and yet plenty of room. There were many choirs although they were encouraged to mix and mingle as if there were none. Not all angels liked this. The choirs were supposed to be more, of job titles than a description of actual worth. The only ones who were truly above everyone else were the Archangels._ **

**_Eight of them, they were the first ones to be created. Helel and Samael came first, the two were often called the right and left hand of God two. Gabriel, Michael were created followed by Raguel, Remiel. It would have been a long time (if time had existed at that point) before she would complete them with Raphael and Uriel. They headed the choirs that came afterwards with all answering to them and them all answering to God. Samael thought himself above everyone, he had long since removed himself from everyone answering only reluctantly to God, and only speaking to his twin Helel._ **

**_He disliked how the choirs mingled together and watched in anger as his brethren brought themselves to the levels below them. He saw himself as a god and his whispers of Freewill and ultimate control over one's destiny, took hold of his twin Helel. Helel was angry that when God announced her plans for the humans. He was angry at the thought of serving these creatures without a choice. He listened as Samael whispered to him and for this his actions would bring down half of heaven._ **

**_No one not even Helel himself would remember that it was truly Samael who poisoned them all against each other. Helel would take the ultimate blame for it all as Samael was struck down in his attempts to slaughter his fellow Archangels. But let's go back to before it all literally went to hell, let's go back to when there was love and laughter_ **

_Gabriel watched as Raphael danced through the skies bringing stars to life. Her long copper hair flowing behind her as she danced and weaved around a tiny pinprick of a star. Each little touch made it brighter and more beautiful, he laughed as a particular flash showed that her tongue was sticking out as she focused on her work. He was watching when a petite Cherub angel came up next to him. Their head barely reached his shoulder._

****

_"They're so beautiful. Imagine having the ability to bring such beauty into the world."_

****

_They looked up envious of the Archangel, Gabriel gave a little chuckle and turned to them._

****

_"Aren't you in charge of making insects Anael? Surely you can bring beauty to life there?"_

****

_Anael looked at him with adoration in their eyes._

****

_"Yes! I'm working on one now, would you like to see it?"_

****

_They stared at him yearning for his attention and affection. He beamed happily at them and leaned in to give them a kiss on the forehead._

****

_"That sounds lovely I'd-"_

****

_Gabriel was cut off by the arrival of Michael._

****

_"What is it sister?"_

****

_He and Anael looked at her._

****

_"We need to have a meeting, RAPHAEL!"_

****

_She shouted to the skies above as Raphael floated down._

****

_"Hello brother, sister and Anael."_

****

_Anael kneeled in greeting the two and only Raphael bowed back. Michael remained still looking annoyed at the display._

****

_"We need to discuss what's going on with Helel, in private."_

****

_Michael's harsh voice cut through the air. Anael could practically feel holes being bored into their head, They took their leave as the three Archangels walked away._

****

_Anael sighed they hardly ever get to see Gabriel he's always so busy with his duties, they walked until they came upon their workshop. Entering they went to work table and continued to paint the wings of a new insect to be called a butterfly. They imagined the deep purple eyes of Gabriel and as they thought about him the butterfly's wings were colored as such. It twitched to life and they brought it into the Garden. They hoped that Her humans would appreciate this small piece of beauty. Watching it take off they barely heard the wings behind them._

****

_"Such a beautiful thing."_

****

_Anael turned around and there stood a tall angel with black eyes and sun golden hair. He smiled at them and they kneeled in front of Helel(Morning Star). First of all the angels right hand of God and the eldest of the Archangels, followed only by Samael._

****

_"Please do not kneel for me. I do not think that you should be any lower than me. Tell me, what do you think of these new beings to be created?"_

****

_He looked at them and they thought about it for a second._

****

_"We should get a choice in whether or not to serve them, why should they rule over us when they will be inferior to us?"_

****

_Helel smiled at this and beckoned them to follow him to where a group of fellow rebels hid. All of them had strong opinions on the way things worked in Heaven. As they talked and chatted, the Archangels gathered in a boardroom._

****

_"Look all I'm saying is hear them out. What's wrong with that?" Raphael was pacing the floor unable to sit still._

****

_"Raphael, your heart is in the right place but things have a reason they are the way they are. I don't see a need to change it."_

****

_Uriel placed their hand on his shoulder and he sat down._

****

_"Perhaps we can compromise, surely it won't hurt to try?" Gabriel voiced his opinion loudly._

****

_"They are delusional if they think that things are going to change. What's wrong with the way things are now?" Michael is a firm believer in the separation of the choirs. A place for everything and everything in its place._

****

_Time ticked by and they basically got nowhere. Raguel, Gabriel and Raphael were on the side of listening and compromise. Meanwhile Uriel and Michael were on the side of things staying the way they are, and Remiel was neutral. They eventually decided to break as Michael and Uriel had training duties to attend to. Raphael done with his work for the time being tagged along. When they entered the training grounds all the Principalities kneeled to them, Raphael and Uriel bowed back. They decided to have a ring battle, the soldiers would one at a time would engage in combat. The only rule was to stay in the ring, if you stepped out of it or if you were knocked out of it you lost._

****

_Training went on and Raphael watched as they fought. Principalities are more often than not stronger than Archangels but Archangels have more stamina. As they battled Raphael attended to any wounds sustained in the fights. Soon his siblings had all but one of them beaten, a fair haired and slightly stocky Principality circled the two. Raphael watched as he sized up his opponents and with a practiced discipline he unarmed Uriel and sent them to the side. He watched as Michael let out a shout and ran towards the fair haired angel. The angel stepped to the side and quickly and with a backhand sent Michael spilling and out of the ring._

****

_The angel looked shocked that he had managed to win, stammering and trying to apologize without apologizing. This made Raphael laugh loudly and prompted a smile and blush from the angel. Michael and Uriel bowed showing the nobility of defeat and this made the angel blush harder. He had a couple of cuts from the battle and Raphael was more than happy to tend to them._

****

_"Holiest Archangel." The angel said bowing._

****

_"No need for fancy titles you can just call me Raphael, and you are?"_

****

_"Aziraphale your holi- sorry." Aziraphale stammered._

****

_Raphael just smiled as he passed his hand over the cut, They chatted a little bit before he was reminded of his duties as he left. He was a little sad. Aziraphale was easy to talk to and was quite adorable his smile as bright as a sun._

_Raphael almost asked if they could meet up again but got nervous and figured he could always just come back here to talk to him._

_He bounded up the arena steps and saw Uriel looking depressed, the current state of heaven weighed heavily on all of them. He couldn't have that, he grabbed their hands and pulled them up. Insisting they follow him so he could show them his newest star._

* * *

**Hell**

* * *

"If you really want to make Crowley pay you'll have to go through their master."

Hastur said as they slogged through the 3rd circle. Passing a man who was cursed to have a most beautiful and delicious banquet laid before him. Only to have all the food snatched away by others who when they touched it turned to ash. 

"Master?"

Rattus said looking upon a crystal lake with a tree that held every known fruit in the world. In the middle lay a man unable to eat or drink, as everything receded from his grasp. 

"All demons have master's except for Lucifer of course. Even the Prince's have to answer to someone, but the damn King put Crowley off limits. Permanent exile, can you believe that?" 

Rattus shook his head angrily as they passed through a silver gate. He stumbled as the landscape changed to red hot rock. Hastur didn't help at all, just laughed.

"Crowley's master was Belphegor(Menace) and he's the lowest of the Princes, lazy sod never controlled his servants properly. But get this, Crowley actually had a master before Menace, one that they still fear to this day. One that every demon fears probably even more than old Luci ." 

As Hastur spoke the name Luci the ground shook, and a chunk of brimstone fell on the Duke's foot. He howled in rage and pulled his foot free. Rattus just looked amazed at the power of what happened, he pictured going after the throne of Hell when they were done with Crowley. 

"Anyways" Hastur growled as he had to hobble on a busted foot. "Old Asmodeus is who you want to go to if you really want Crowley to pay." 

Hastur explained Asmodeus penchant for extreme torture and cruelty, truly there wasn't a sin that he abstained from. He also liked to play with his creatures and was always looking for new ones. 

"No one wants to volunteer themselves to him, he's known to be one of the worst. So you want to get in good with him volunteer yourself as his. Even someone ugly as you, volunteering will please him greatly. He might even go easy on you." 

Hastur let out a cruel laugh as he dragged Rattus to a boat made from flesh and bones they crossed a river of boiling blood, the river was filled with cannibals. They arrived at the shores of the 4th circle of Hell Wrath/Violence, here it was never ending brawls with weapons and a tar pit for the condemned to wrestle in. Shrieks poured out, as flesh was torn and stripped. Those not fighting were working the forges of Hell. Building weapons for a war that was now delayed. They had attempted to strike after all their hard work had been tossed aside, this had resulted in them getting their oven mitts taken away and now they have to use their bare hands.

Even Hastur looked just a little bit disgusted by this, Rattus however looked like he was home. He walked through the condemned lurching and laughing at them. They came upon a gleaming chateau that looked like every dictator's house to have ever existed. Knocking upon the door it opened and Hastur dragged Rattus in.

They made their way to a dining room with a massive fireplace, at the head of a black rock table sat Asmodeus. The Demon Prince of Wrath, being waited on by the souls of Dictators and warlords. All wearing massively heavy chains each link a representation of a life lost due to their actions.

"Hastur, why have you come here? And who is your new friend?" 

A malicious smile spread across the Demon Prince's face. Razor sharp teeth gleamed in the firelight, he was quite shocked to see the Duke who formally belongs to Beelzebub. Hastur pushed Rattus forward to the ground.

"A new demon for you. He would make a fine creature for your collection." 

Asmodeus got up and circled the former Archangel. Who on Hastur's advice and orders remained still, kneeling in submission of the truly powerful Demon Prince. Asmodeus used his claws to push up his chins and look at him properly. As he observed the sewer gray fur, patchy and peeling skin, and beady crusty eyes. Asmodeus smile fell.

"Not my usual type, certainly there's anger and wrath here. He'd do well under my name but for my personal collection he leaves much to be desired." 

He said stepping away from the demon on the floor. Rattus moved, standing up to confront him.

"HEY! I'm plenty worthy!"

He was silenced with a smack of a clawed hand, his face and neck torn by the talons.

He fell to the ground and Asmodeus laughed at this. Hastur for his part just looked annoyed, but he quickly drew attention away from Rattus. 

"Rattus has a proposition for you." He said breathlessly

"Oh? And what can this vermin offer me that I don't have but would want?" Asmodeus moved in closer to Rattus. 

"Rap-Crowley. We-I offer you the demon Crowley."

Rattus stuttered out, he thought it best to keep the serpents true identity secret, or else all of hell would seek it out.

Asmodeus drew back and scratched at his chin with this thought.

"And just how are you going to give me a creature that is no longer mine or hell's? Crowley was put on permanent exile, even without that I have no claim to the Serpent." 

"Forget about having claim to the vile thing, I know where it and it's pet angel lives. Help me attack them and you can keep the Serpent for the rest of enterinty." Rattus glared at Asmodeus. 

"It takes quite the vile being to bargain with another's life. Normally I would cast you into the tar pit and be done with you. Which I'm going to do anyways, but I miss my pretty thing. A fine piece in my collection."

Asmodeus had a wistful gleam in his hellfire eyes 

"So let's make a deal. I help you get to the Serpent and in exchange you swear that if you fail. You'll be the one to pay the ultimate price." 

"And what price would that be?" Rattus said looking nervous.

"A life for a life, if you fail you will be permanently extinguished. After all, it's not fair to offer another's life without equal exchange." 

Asmodeus held out a clawed paw, Hastur looked pensive trying to silently tell him to think about it. Rattus grinned grabbing and shaking it. A burning sensation ran up his arm and he screamed as Asmodeus's brand seared itself into his flesh. 

"No matter where you are, I will be able to find you with this brand. Now about the tar pit." 

He dragged Rattus from his house and threw him into the ring where the tar tore at his fur and skin. He would have to fight his way free before he could even dream of getting back to the surface. Asmodeus and Hastur laugh as he struggles.

* * *

**Aziraphale's Bookshop**

* * *

Aziraphale and Crowley stared at Gabriel and Beelzebub. Aziraphale looked white as a ghost. 

"Well, that's uh, something, tea anyone?" He shuffled away making a rather loud racket.

"Umm come on in, have a sseat. Don't touch the books." Crowley said ushering them into the backroom.

They all sat down and a couple of minutes went by before Aziraphale brought in a tea tray. Setting it on the table he took his seat next to Crowley, who was wearing a smug ass grin.

"Sso how long have you two been doing it?" 

Aziraphale and Gabriel both turned red at this and Beelzebub glared daggers at the Serpent. 

"Crowley!" Aziraphale sighed

"Watch your tonguez Serpent, or I'll havez it removedz." Beelzebub glowered at her. 

"You will not threaten her!" Aziraphale stood up

"Tellz her to keep her mouthz shut then." Beelzebub shot back getting up as well.

"Would you all just sit down so we can figure out what we're going to do!" Gabriel stood up and putting his hands their shoulders forced them to both sit. 

"So, you guyss have been busy." Crowley smirked as Aziraphale put his hand on hers, silently begging her to cut the snark. 

"What? Just being social, not like we're not doing the ssame thing." 

She said pouring a cup of tea, she poured in an extraordinary amount of sugar. A larger amount then she usually consumed, a larger amount then even Aziraphale consumed. Aziraphale stared at her confused until she handed it to Beelzebub. Who without thanking her took it and drank it down as Crowley just sat back snickering to herself.

"Raphael could you please ju-" Gabriel stopped speaking suddenly as Beelzebub latched on to the name. 

"Waitz? Raphael? Az in THE Archangel Raphael?! Well that certainly explainz a lot." Their voice got higher as they spoke.

"For Go-, Sat-, ah Someone's sake, Why doess everyone have to know thisss? For 6,000 years I've been able to keep it between just me and Lucifer. I might as well just put up a big neon ssign that says _"Here's the Demon that was Raphael. Come and get them.""_

Crowley was up and pacing around in her usually jittery way. 

"Crowley dear please sit down." Aziraphale looked worried.

"No, NO angel. They need to leave. Do you understand what will happen if the ressst of Hell findsss out? Sthey won't leave me alone if they know! I'll bes hunted down and dragged back" Crowley sounded like she was about to hyperventilate, Gabriel spoke up.

"Which is why Beelzebub isn't going to say anything to anyone else in Hell. Right?" He looked imploringly at the Demon Prince. 

Beelzebub flopped back down with a sigh.

"Finez I won'tz zay anything." 

"Thank you." Gabriel said and Beelzebub glared at him. 

Crowley however wasn't satisfied.

"No, I'm not going to trussst you on just your word. You have to swear on the River Styx." She hissed holding out her hand.

"Crowley is this necessary?" Aziraphale looked at her apprehensively.

"It'z the zmart thing to do, demons word is only worth as far as you can throw them. The River is the only truly binding way." Beelzebub took Crowley's hand. 

"Do you ssswear to not disclose my angel name to anyone outsside of this room?" 

"Yez, I swearz to not dizclose your angel name to anyone outzide of thiz room. Traitor." 

There was a small flash of light as the oath took hold. 

Both demons sat back down, looking at their respective angels, Aziraphale patted Crowley's knee.

"Sso, how did you two meet and when did you guys sstart going at it?" Crowley asked making her own overly sweet cup of tea. 

"Well I guess it was about eight months after you guys stopped Armageddon, well we met up at the cottage and a month and a half after the failed Apoco-nope." 

Gabriel began talking about how he fell together with Beelzebub up to the point of them finding out they're pregnant as well. 

"Sso, you're keeping it?" Crowley looked at Beelzebub who in turn looked at Gabriel.

"We had a long discussion and decided that yes we're keeping it." 

"Yez we dezided that it waz something we both want." They put their hands in Gabriel's.

"Well we can most certainly get you some information you'll need."

Aziraphale was already pulling out books off the shelf and placing them in front of the two.

"Just go ahead and write down the titles and I'll give you the name of store we got them in. They're really quite informative." 

"Where are you going to sstay?" Crowley asked.

"What do you mean?" Gabriel stared at her dumbfounded.

"You can't actually be planning on going back to Hell while pregnant are you?" She directed this at Beelzebub.

"Whyz notz? I'mz not a traitor in exile like you." 

They buzzed back. 

"Oh am I in exile?" Crowley cocked her eyebrow at this. 

"Yez, Lucifer declared that youz be left alone. Never to returnz to Hell. By the way Haztur is still mad at you" Beelzebub looked quite miffed at this. 

"Can't really blame him, That aside how long do you think you can hide this from Hell? Especially if you stay there long term. You might not be showing now but give it a few weeks and you will. I've already had to give up my favorite jeans and I'm only about 3 in half months along."

She gestured to her slight bump sticking out from under her leggings.(It had been a lazy day at the shop they didn't expect anyone.) 

Beelzebub looked frightened for the first time. 

"As much as I hate to admit it Serpent iz right. They won't take kindly to this knowledge. Whatz are we goingz to do?" They clung to Gabriel's hand tightly. 

"Can't stay in Heaven either, at least not until I figure out how to explain this to them. What about the cottage?" Gabriel supplied

"That might not be the best place, seeing as it's used by both Heaven and Hell, who knows who'll pop in." Crowley responded.

"I don't suppose you would be opposed to staying here for the time being?" Aziraphale appeared setting down another stack of books. 

"Angel?!" Crowley cried indignantly 

"I'm notz goingz to ztayz in the zame livingz areaz az a traitor!" 

Beelzebub looked horrified and annoyed at the suggestion. 

"Well, not exactly the same living area. There is more than one flat up there. And this shop is warded against Demonic and Ethereal intrusions." Aziraphale pulled out a pen and started writing down the books in the stack. 

"Warded?" Gabriel looked up at them, only Crowley was paying attention. 

"Yeah, we warded it against everyone after the last surprise visit we had." She offered

"Well that explainz the headache." Beelzebub commented.

"It doesn't have to be for long, just until you can work something out." Aziraphale handed the finished list to Gabriel who took it without looking. 

"Bee, it's a good offer until we figure something else out. And I promise we'll go looking for something else but until we find a place I want you safe from either side." He looked into their eyes with a soft stare that could rival Aziraphale's. 

Beelzebub must be just as hopeless as Crowley is when it comes to angels. Because after a minute they gave in.

"Finez, but only until we figure zomething else out. I'll have to put in for extended time off." 

Gabriel gave them a small kiss on the head and Aziraphale jumped up to show them to the flat across from his and Crowley's. It didn't take long for the Demon Prince to settle in, snapping their preferred decor and amenities to existence. Gabriel decided to spend the night there. Aziraphale stopped to wish them a goodnight and Crowley just went back to their own flat. 

"Oh, before I go. I should tell you that this building is warded against any attempts at causing harm. That goes both ways, well I'll be off then. Goodnight." 

He closed the door behind him and walked in to Crowley grumbling as she made dinner. Slamming pots and pans down while looking for the right one. 

"I'm sorry my love, I know it's not preferable but we've already taken all the necessary precautions. They need help right now and it doesn't have to be permanent" He began.

"It's not that angel. I trust you and I trust the wards. It'sss just that I have no idea what She'sss planning and I feel lost here. I mean I never thought that she'd bring those two into this at least not this way. Not to mention Hasstur is still out to get me. It's just getting to be a bit much." 

"I feel the same way, but I also feel like we need to be helping them. I can cook if you want? You can relax, it's been a difficult day." He offered.

Crowley looked up at him, and shrugged. 

" I like cooking, it relaxesss me more than ssitting still. You can peel vegetables if you want." She pointed towards a large bowl of spring veggies as she prepared the chicken. 

They worked together doing it by hand because the effort made it taste better. Crowley served the plates and Aziraphale just smiled to himself as she took two across the hall to the other odd couple. They ate and went to bed, Crowley fell asleep fast and Aziraphale stayed up reading. 

He waited until Crowley was deep asleep before speaking his mind to God. 

"I do hope I'm doing the right thing here. I'm not sure what your plan is but whatever I want for Crowley's safety and piece of mind above all else. She's given so much for the world, let her have her happiness please."

He softly implored the Almighty. 

Crowley gave a small grunt and snuggled tighter into his side. Throwing her arm around his waist and sighing happily when he started carding her hair. He began to hum the lullaby he wrote her and kissed her cheek. For the first time in awhile he found himself falling asleep and snuggled tighter to her. Placing his arms around her and smelling her hair he drifted into a gentle slumber. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who do you think was the one to start calling Lucifer, Luci?


	8. Cooking with Beez

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone is the kitchen with Aziraphale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, it's been awhile. I don't think I've seen you since last year. Have you stuck to your resolutions? Hope you enjoy this new chapter, next one is already half written so expect it in a few days.

Crowley sat on the roof staring up at the night sky. She wished she could see the stars from London, wished she could see her stars. As she brooded she heard someone coming to join her, it wasn't Aziraphale. For one he was entranced in the world of OZ having found the books while organizing the spare room. For two even if he wasn't reading he allowed her her space. No it was Gabriel who was coming to join her. 

"Raph- Crowley, what are you doing up here at this hour?" Gabriel asked looking around the roof eyes falling on a glass hut of sorts. 

"Stargazing, or well I would if you could see a damn thing in London." She snipped back. 

"May I join you?" Gabriel looked at her, she owed nothing to him. 

Crowley looked at him and just shrugged her shoulders. He sat next to her in silence, not sure if he should start to conversation or wait for her to. There was so much he wanted to ask, to tell her. He longed to embrace her, hold her tightly and never let go of her. He had spent 6,000 years searching desperately for her. It had affected him, had affected all the Archangels. He just sat silently looking up at the black night sky, lit by the city it was impossible to see any of the stars. 

"Do you remember building the galaxy together?" She asked not looking at him. 

"Which one we worked on a couple together." He replied.

"This one, it took a lot of energy to build everything. The sun and the planets. I never really liked working on the planets. But I loved to work on the stars. Such bright things they are, always shining and glittering. You used to be able to see so many that they would light up the darkness. Now I can't see any of them, especially my last one." 

She looked forlorn her eyes searching the sky. Gabriel didn't know what to say, but he had an idea of what to do. He got up and held out his hand. 

"Do you want to go for a flight?" He said looking at her. 

"What?" She stared at him like he was speaking nonsense. 

"If we fly high enough I'm sure we'll be able to see the stars." 

"Humans might see us." 

"Nothing a miracle won't fix." 

Crowley looked at him, her brother reaching out to her. 6,000 years she spent staring at the sky. Watching the stars thinking about them, her siblings. Wondering if they missed her or if they even knew what had happened to her. She would occasionally ask Aziraphale about them, even asking what happened to Raphael. He just responded that nobody really knew. 

She used go flying all the time with her siblings in fact she preferred it over walking at one point.

They would fly solar winds whipping at their hair, feeling the universe buzz inside her. Gabriel and Helel(Lucifer) had worked on the galaxies together. She remembers Helel had a special affinity for building suns. There isn't much cause for flying in the modern world, not many places to get away from the humans and their technology. She almost said yes, but then she remembered her wings. Pulling herself up she brushed off her pants. 

"Maybe another time." She said walking past him.

Gabriel's face fell and she found it hard to look away from, she always had a soft spot for him. Things were complicated though, things weren't as they were before. He was still far away from earning her full trust. As she was headed back in she spotted her greenhouse this, this she could let him see.

"Would you like to see my garden?"

She asked cocking an eyebrow over her sunglasses. Gabriel nodded and followed her into the greenhouse, He gasped as he saw plants of all species and fauna around them. 

It was much larger inside than it was outside, he looked around in amazement coming upon a small pot with tiny white five pointed flowers. He was reaching out to touch it before Crowley grabbed his wrist. 

"That's called Tread-Softly, it can burn you if you touch it with your bare hands. I highly recommend you stay away from it." 

She was wearing gloves as she pruned the plant. Hissing under her breath at it, daring it to hurt him or her. 

"Why do you have a dangerous plant in here?" He asked, not fondly remembering that she had always been reckless.

"Plants, plural. This entire row is made up of plants you shouldn't touch without proper protection." She walked along strangely feeding meat to a plant that looked like a upside-down bell.

"Again, why? Surely Aziraphale isn't comfortable having these plants around. Especially in your condition." He was growing ansty for her. 

"I know these plants like the back of my hand, they wouldn't dare harm me." The plants seemed to tremble. "I created them after all." 

She looked back at him. 

"You created these? Why would you create toxic plants?" Gabriel was growing even more distressed at this information. 

Crowley inhaled deeply something she found herself doing more often as the baby grew and demanded oxygen.

"I didn't necessarily mean to make them toxic. I was just trying to see if I could still create plants. Like I use to. I can, but every single one has turned out to be dangerous and potentially deadly." She said moving over to the next row. 

"Do you miss it? Do you miss us?" He was looking directly at her. 

She just nodded and continued her cycle through all her plants. Hissing at ones she found lacking and ignoring him for the rest of the time. 

* * *

Hastur and Rattus waited lurked outside of the church grumbling.

"Bugger this, It's getting early! He better not have discorperated in there or there will be hell to pay." Hastur grumbled out taking a long pull of his fifth cigarette.

"Why are we trusting this to a disposable? Why can't we just attack now?"

Rattus paced impatiently back and forth, his skin still burned and raw with sticky tar in some places. 

"We need to get Holy Water to subdue Crowley so we can capture them. Plus that damn shop is warded up to Heaven itself, Couldn't get in if we tried." Hastur flung his cigarette butt into the drain as a door opened and the disposable stumbled out. 

The disposable was limply running towards them, completely burned, smoke poured from his form. He stumbled and fell, before he disintegrated completely he spored off. Another one popped up taking his place. The disposable picked up the dropped Care Bear thermos and making sure it was still tightly closed handed it to Hastur. 

Hastur carefully took it and they left as the morning dawned and the sun peaked out from behind the clouds.

* * *

Crowley came back into the flat and made her way to the bed. She let herself fall back first onto it bouncing Aziraphale who seemed to be on book 6 of the OZ series. Aziraphale looked up and checked his watch.

"Oh my, seems time got away from me my dear. Did you just get up?" He looked at his demon as she wiggled under the covers. 

"Just got in actually." She burrowed down into the bed. 

"Crowley! You really should stick to a regular sleep schedule." Aziraphale said exasperated.

"Mm hungry do we have any crisps and chocolate sauce?" She looked at her angel with those golden eyes. 

Aziraphale huffed getting up.

"Crisps are not a good breakfast." 

He paused staring at Crowley who was pouting.

He kissed her forehead patting her belly, he felt a small pulse of happiness from it.

"I'll make breakfast and I'll make sure to include the crisps. Please just rest until then."

How he loved her.

"Love you too angel." She mumbled and promptly fell asleep.

He walked into the kitchen and looking at the contents of the fridge decided on a fruit salad with some scrambled eggs and bacon. As the oven heated up he started to wash and prepare the fruit. Hearing a knock at the door he wiped his hands and went to answer it. Peering through the peephole he saw a grumpy looking demon Prince in pajamas waiting on the other side. Sighing he opened the door and Beezelbub didn't even wait for an invitation to come in. 

"Beelzebub, what brings you over here at this hour?" 

"Gabriel is too buzy with paperwork to take me out to eat and I'm hungry. Figured youz would have food." She buzzed at him expectantly.

"You're in luck I was making breakfast." He padded back to the kitchen.

She followed and watched him work, scowling as he fried the bacon extra crispy. 

"Is there a problem?" He said as he poured the eggs into a waiting pan.

"Do youz have to overcookz the bacon?" She was giving it a death stare. 

"Undercooked meat is bad for a developing baby, so is undercooked eggs and a bunch of other things. So yes I do."

He plated everything making sure to include Crowley's chocolate sauce for the crisps and set everything on a tray. 

"I likez my meat undercooked and I knowz Crowley does az well." She said picking at her plate.

"I'm all too aware of Crowley's preference for meat, in fact it's her preferences that sparked some notable legends. Now I can't make you eat. You're more than welcome to eat somewhere else but I retain my right to cook what I see fit to cook. If you'll excuse me I have narcoleptic Serpent to wake up." 

He brushed out of sight with the tray as he left the room he smiled a little as he watched as she began to eat despite her complaints. He made certain Crowley ate everything on her plate not just the crisps. Kissing her gently as she fell back asleep he miracled the dishes clean. Deciding to open shop today he went back into the main part of the flat not surprised that Beelzebub was still there.

"Is there something else you wanted?" He was grabbing his keys.

"Youz zeem completely ok beinz around me. Even though I tried to end Crowley a year ago. Why?" She stared at him trying to puzzle him out.

"I wouldn't say completely ok just tolerant. I am still upset about it but me and Crowley agreed that they were guilty of everything they were being put on trial for. Besides Crowley has told me some stories about your dynamic, so I can't judge you completely." He gave a little smile as she seemed to broil at this.

"If you'll excuse me I'm planning on opening my shop today and I really don't want you here alone with Crowley." 

He gestured to the door and taking a hint she stomped out and back to her flat. Taking care to ward the door he went downstairs, as the day drew on he was reorganizing his books when his telephone rang. 

"Hello?" He said cheerily

"Aziraphale! It's Anathema." 

"Oh hello my dear girl. How good to hear from you. What are you calling for?" He was smiling as he spoke.

"Do you know what tomorrow is?" She said a smirk in her voice.

"Friday I believe my dear girl. Why is this important?" 

"It's also the anniversary of Not-going-to-happagedon. We're having a BBQ to commemorate it, and we need you and Crowley to come." 

"Well that sounds delightful, I'll have to close my shop though." He said grinning "I'll make sure to tell Crowley." He was about to hang up but Anathema stopped him 

"Wait! Before you go I have to make sure of a couple of things." 

"Go on then dear girl." 

"Be sure that you bring the other two currently staying with you." 

"The other two?" Aziraphale could only think of two beings and he wasn't sure if Crowley would agree to it. 

"Yes it's very important that they come, if Crowley asks just tell them that Adam said that he needs to talk with them. Oh and don't tell Crowley it's a party just that we're hanging out." 

She said all of this rather rapidly.

After assuring that he would convey this properly she bid him a good day. He hung up wondering how he was going to convince two cranky demons and his ex boss to go along with it. Whatever Anathema was planning he hoped the food would be good at least. He went about his day wondering what tomorrow would hold in store for them all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there 👋 thanks for reading my story. I really hope you're enjoying it. Constructive criticism is welcome. Always appreciate kudos and comments. See you in the next chapter. Also if you're surprised that demons are bratty then you clearly haven't seen the show. Gabriel is trying. Twinkie to anyone who can correctly guess what kind of legends Crowley would inspire with a liking of undercooked meat.


	9. Surprise Showers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the first anniversary of Not-going-to-happagedon and what better way to celebrate than with a BBQ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had actually written a third of this chapter before I wrote the previous chapter. Which is why this is coming out the day after. The next chapter is in the works but it'll be a few days before you see. Thanks for reading.

There's nothing better to celebrate the first anniversary of the failed Apoco-not-on-my-watch like a good old fashioned all American Barbeque. Even when you have to fly in certain foods because you can't find them in the tiny little town you live in. Anathema was a American and if there's one thing Americans love more than guns,beer, football and ignoring politics. It's a BBQ.

Anathema had everything set up, a propane grill (as low tech as possible, Newt was death to pretty much all machines) beer, soda, juices. 

The Them had gone nuts when she brought out ice cream of more than three flavors. Everyone was helping to set up and they all were awaiting the guests of honor. Sure enough they could hear the sultry tunes of Queen thudding from the stand out car as it pulled up to the cottage. 

The chorus of Queen's **Jealousy** wafted over to everyone as four figures got out of the car. Crowley was wearing a black sundress and knee high boots. 

"Odd choice of a song don't you think Angel?" 

Crowley commented as they started walking up to Jasmine Cottage, Aziraphale nodded in agreement. 

Gabriel got out offering Beelzebub a hand. He was holding a few boxes balanced on his palm. Adam and The Them stopped running around when they spotted the newcomers. Adam grinned and ran to give Crowley a tackling hug only to be stopped by an invisible force. 

"What the?" Adam said trying to strain against the barrier. 

Aziraphale looked a little guilty.

"So sorry dear but if you could refrain from giving your usual rough hugs we'd much appreciate it." 

Adam looked annoyed at Aziraphale. Then he looked at Crowley with a glance at her slightly protruding belly. Remembering what Anathema said he nodded and the barrier vanished. Adam went up to Aziraphale and gave him a big hug before going to Crowley who was beaming at him. Adam gently gave her the tightest bear hug he could before pulling out of it. 

"Is there another name you'd prefer to be called?" He asked politely. 

"You little master can call me Lilith or Crowley." 

Crowley ruffled Adam's hair as the rest of The Them ran up. 

"Hello children." Aziraphale said beaming happily at them. 

"Is it true that you're going to have a baby?" Brian asked he was covered in dirt. 

"Yup." Crowley said popping the 'P' she came up to Aziraphale and wrapped her arms around him. 

"Does it hurt to have a baby?" Brian asked scratching himself. 

"Of course it hurts, my mom says that society perpetuates the idea that being pregnant is a wonderful experience because of an archaic need to populate the earth." Pepper interjected.

"Actually there are a bunch of modern medicines and stuff to make pregnant people feel better. And many people like being pregnant, otherwise why would they continue to have any kids?" Wensleydale commented.

Crowley smirked as they bickered with each other, kids are fun. She looked at Aziraphale who looked like he was trying to interject. Beelzebub and Gabriel were just standing in the background. Pepper, Brian and Wensleydale just continued to argue over whether it was societal pressure or people's choice that made them want to have babies.

"Alright I think we've discussed this enough. Let's do something else." 

Anathema said coming up to them because she had gotten tired of waiting for the kids to fetch the others. The kids took off, but Adam stayed behind and went over to Beelzebub and Gabriel. 

"So glad you could make it." 

Anathema gave Crowley and Aziraphale hugs before beginning to lead them towards the back of the cottage. She had a mischievous smile as she pushed them forwards. Aziraphale and Crowley exchanged a confused look as they rounded the corner. 

**"SURPRISE!!!!"**

A group of adults were waiting on the other side, Crowley jumped a little as she took in the scene before her. Anathema had held true on her promise of throwing them a baby shower, she just wished she had remembered that part. She glowered at the baby themed decorations, bottles and bonnet balloons were tied to the fence posts. There were streamers and a banner as well, somehow Anathema had managed to find all these decorations in black and cream white. Crowley was very close to turning around and leaving when she caught sight of the Angel's face. He was beaming that damn sunbeam smile of his, he looked so overjoyed and happy that she decided she could put up with this. He'd owe her though and he knew it when he looked back at her. He patted her arm as the adults came to congratulate them. 

Beelzebub and Gabriel came around the corner looking thoroughly chastised by a twelve year old. However Beelzebub broke into a wicked grin at the sight of Crowley's face. They slinked up to the group and Gabriel handed the boxes of chocolates to Anathema, Newt, Adam and The Them. Brian wasted no time in ripping open his box and shoving at least three chocolates in his mouth, right before spitting them right back up to the horror and disgust of all the adults. 

"Sorry, not to be rude but these are actually soap." Wensleydale said taking a cautious sniff at his. 

"Oh, I apologize when I saw them at the store I thought they were those little brown things Aziraphale likes so much." Gabriel looked embarrassed. 

"It's easy mistake, if you think about it the company is a fault for making them look like chocolates." Adam concluded and everyone agreed with him. 

"I can take them back if you don't want them." Gabriel offered.

Brian handed back his and ran to see what was edible at the snack table. Pepper handed hers back with a short thanks anyway, but she doesn't want to smell like chocolate. Wensleydale, Adam, Anathema and Newt were the only ones who kept theirs. Wensleydale was actually delighted to have such lovely smelling soaps. 

"Alright everyone it's time for games!" Anathema proclaimed. 

"Games?" 

Crowley said looking frightened as she pulled her and a giddy Aziraphale to the chairs of honor. What followed was a few hours of baby themed games and trivia tournaments. Aziraphale was having way too much fun while Crowley played along just to make everyone happy, though she had to admit the food was excellent. The gifts were rather nice though, a car seat matching stroller. Some onesies and something called a diaper genie, which Anathema explained is a trash can for nappies. 

Finally it was time to go home Crowley was becoming sufficiently exhausted and losing her patience. Out of eyesight of the rest of the group Crowley snapped the stuff back to the bookshop. Beelzebub grinned maniacally as her and Gabriel got into the car. 

"One word and I'll have her do the same thing for you, only I'll insist on pastelsss." 

Crowley hissed at Beelzebub who looked afronted, Gabriel just let out a laugh shutting up when he saw the look Beelzebub tossed him. 

"Well that was fun, although I don't understand why humans are so tied up about gender. I do believe every single adult asked us about it." 

Aziraphale may have lived on earth for 6,000 years but he couldn't understand why humans cared so much about gender identity. Frankly, it reminded him of Warlock and Thaddeus. He did hope that Warlock was doing well. Perhaps they should check up on them sometime. The sun was making its way down as they pulled out and headed to London.

* * *

Rattus was pacing impatiently as Hastur checked the spike strip. 

"You're sure this will work? It won't discorperate them will it? Because I want that damn traitor as dead as I want Crowley to suffer." 

"Hold your rats, it'll work. Soon we'll have both and then we can really make that bastard pay." 

Hastur grinned at this.

"Who were the other two that were in the car? The disposable said he saw four people get in." 

Rattus furrowed his brow picking at a piece of tar on his arm, Relishing the slight twinge of pain it brought. 

"What does it matter who they are, we're only after Crowley and their angel. We can kill the spares." 

Hastur heard the approaching Bentley and pulled Rattus out of sight.

* * *

Crowley was driving marginally slower than usual her nerves were on edge due to the radio choosing to play **Queens 'Save Me'.** As quick as she wanted to get home, She wasn't willing to risk actual discorperation from a car accident.

"Iz thiz car clairvoyant?" Beelzebub asked nervously.

"Not sssure." Crowley responded as they rounded a curve, suddenly there was an almighty lurch as The Bentley drove over the spike strip. The Bentley skidded and flipped. Aziraphale released a quick miracle that protected everyone as they rolled multiple times. They finally came to a stop upside-down and in a ditch. Gabriel snapped them all out of the car and on the side of the road. 

"No, no, no, not again!" Crowley despaired over the sight of the Bentley's crumpled form. 

"It's going to be alright Crowley, it's not as bad as last time. I'm more than certain we can fix it." Aziraphale said soothingly, approaching her.

He had a hand on Crowley's shoulder as he looked at the well beloved car. They would have to fix this, Crowley already lost the Bentley once. 

Gabriel came up to them. 

"Aziraphale give me a hand here. We should get it upright." Gabriel went up to the Bentley and Aziraphale followed. 

They both grabbed onto the fender and with heavenly strength began to lift the Bentley to turn her back onto the road a few feet away. As they set her down Crowley and Beelzebub suddenly stiffened, They could feel the approach of multiple demons. Suddenly the car was swarmed by lower demons pouring out of the woodwork. 

"Aziraphale!"

"Gabriel!"

They both cried out for their angels as the horde descended. Aziraphale and Gabriel looked shocked and were briefly overrun before they began to fight back. Normally speaking a lower demon wouldn't stand a chance against even a Virtue, Let alone a Principality and Archangel, but they had more numbers. Both Crowley and Beelzebub made an attempt to join the fight but were stopped short by the appearance of Hastur and a rat faced demon. 

"Hassstur, I'd say it's good to ssee you but we both know that'ss a lie." Crowley tried not to let her voice betray her fear. 

"Whatz the meaning of thiz Duke Hastur." Beelzebub buzzed angrily. 

"Just coming to settle things with the snake, didn't expect to see you here my Prince." 

Hastur and the other demon stepped closer as Crowley and Beelzebub backed away. 

"Is that really the Demon Prince Beelzebub?"

The rat demon pointed at her, Crowley couldn't help but feel a sickening familiarity from the demon. 

"Andz who the hellz are you." Beelzebub buzzed back. 

"Well I was previously known as Sandalphon but now I'm called Rattus." 

Crowley stiffened and let out a sharp breath. Beelzebub slightly placed herself infront of Crowley. 

"Must be new, I'm zurprized that Hastur failed to inform you that the Serpent iz off limitz az declared by our king." She glowered at Hastur who shrank back a little. 

"Oh he did but both me and him agree that this is personal." Rattus sneered at the two of them. 

"You know Crowley, you have a lot of demons who'd love to get a piece of you. Me, Hastur why even your old master Asmodeus wants this." 

Crowley let out a frightened shudder and Beelzebub grabbed her hand and moved in front of her. 

"Wellz it'z not for you to interfere withz. The Serpent is to be left alonez. Hastur be zure to notez that Lucifer will be hearing about thiz." 

Beelzebub threw a threatening glare his way. 

Hastur seemed to shrink back but then smiled as Beelzebub heard someone approaching from behind her and Crowley. 

"I'm not the one consorting with the snake, besides it's not like you'll be able to tell him anything."

Hastur grinned widely as Crowley and Beelzebub were circled by disposables. Two of them wearing thick bomb disposal suits carried a massive container of water between them. Neither trapped demon needed to ask to understand what was in the container. Aziraphale and Gabriel were still fighting off an ever growing hoard of demons.

"Youz can't be zeriously considering killing your Prince! Enough of thiz!" Beelzebub cried out. 

"Well my Prince who's going to tell? You've been up top for awhile, for all we know that demon killing snake got to you." He pointed at Crowley who was searching for a break in the formation of demons. 

"WAIT! you can't kill the snake, I promised my soul for it to be captured alive!" Rattus looked terrified. He grabbed onto Hastur who threw him to the ground. 

"First rule of Hell, never trust another demon." 

Hastur snapped his fingers and the container was hovering over the heads of Crowley and Beelzebub. Gabriel and Aziraphale were struggling their way towards them. Gabriel let out a pained cry as the container tipped and the water began to pour. 

"NO!" 

Suddenly Beelzebub was grabbed into a tight embrace as Crowley threw herself over them and enveloped them in massive golden wings. The Holy Water poured over the wings splashing nearby disposables who shrieked in agony as they melted from existence. 

"What the Heaven are you?!" Hastur stepped in terror back as the empty container fell to the ground.

Crowley was holding tightly to Beelzebub, her wings provided such a large amount of cover that they were both perfectly dry. She stood up eyes glowing in fury. Helping an awed Beelzebub to her feet they stood up as the ground trembled slightly. The foul stench of sulfur wafted from a hole in the ground that was made by the appearance of the demon Crowley feared above all others. 

"Well I see that I was almost too late. Good thing for you Rattus." Asmodeus smirked as he approached Crowley who seemed frozen in place. 

"My my, not only were you willing to backstab me on my reward for providing the small army." 

Gabriel and Aziraphale continued to fight in the background, furiously making their way towards the amassed demons. 

"No, you're also willing to take down a Prince as well. Such ambition would get you far if either of you had any brains to go with it." He threw the two a glance that only promised horrific retribution for them. 

"It's been awhile my pretty thing, I've missed you dearly." He began to circle as she panted in fear. 

"Ztopz thiz, I command you all to leavez or I will call upon Lucifer himzelf." Beelzebub attempted stare down Asmodeus, she knew all too well why Crowley feared him. Why every demon feared him. 

"Oh, I don't think that'll do any good. I should inform you that Rattus has made an oath on the River Styx for the capture of Crowley. And we all know how binding the river is. Now if you'll excuse me I intend to collect." He grabbed Beelzebub and tossed her aside as he slinked up closer to Crowley. He ran a talon across her hair, some of it fell to the ground.

  
  


"My my, my pretty thing. I didn't know you had such beautiful wings, I imagine that they'll look beautiful strewn across the floor of your cell. It's still there waiting for you, although it seems that you couldn't wait for me."

He dragged his talon down towards her abdomen and suddenly Crowley snapped. She grabbed his hand and in a scream of rage she twisted his arm until it was twisted up and broken in multiple places, her claws dug into his flesh. He screamed in pain as she knocked him to the ground and brought her foot down on his chest snapping his sternum. 

"You..don't..get to touch me."

She put more weight on his chest as she began to glow with Hellfire and Heavenly light combined. He looked at her for once the fear was in his eyes, he knew looking at her face she wasn't going to let him live.

"W-what are you?" He sputtered out. 

"Me? I'm something new, something no-one has seen before. I'm a fucking Earth-Bound."

Her voice was a mix of Holy and Hellish as she turned her hand into a spike and shoved it into Asmodeus chest. She smiled as she slowly pressed it in and he began to scream as he disintegrated into nothingness. Done with him she turned and looked at the disposable army. They fled back to Hell shrieking including the ones fighting Gabriel and Aziraphale. Gabriel ran to Beelzebub's side as Aziraphale hurried towards Hastur and Rattus. She walked up grabbed Rattus by the throat, and glared at him golden fire pouring from her eyes. He squeaked in terror, trying to fight her grip.

"That's twice you've attacked me for no reason. I never did anything to you. At least He has a reason." She pointed a claw at Hastur who was staring unable to say anything. 

"You destroyed my car, you tried to destroy my angel and brother. You even went as far as trying to be willing to destroy a Prince of Hell. Is there no end to your foolish jealousy Sandalphon?" 

He stopped struggling at this. 

"You! You took everything from me! Do you know how many years I spent in the shadow of the oh so precious Raphael!" He stared her down as much as he could. 

"6,000 years of my life and no matter what I did, they wouldn't get over you. I was supposed to be the final Archangel, now I'm nothing because of you!" 

Gabriel came up with a slightly winded Beelzebub. 

"No brother, it was your own actions, your own choices that brought you this low. Don't blame them on someone else." Gabriel had tears in his eyes as he watched his brother begin to flicker. 

"What's happening? What are you doing to me?" Rattus was panicking.

Crowley dropped him in shock and stepped back they all stared as Rattus continued to flicker.

"It's not me, I'm not doing this." She said looking horrified at what was happening. 

"It'z hiz oath, he zwore on the River Styx and because the oath waz broken he is reaping hiz punishment." Beelzebub provided.

"What did you promise?!" Gabriel ran up to him. 

"My soul, my existence, for her eternal imprisonment." Rattus gasped out pointing at Crowley. 

He flickered again and disappeared, as he did, the sky cracked with thunder and rain poured from the heavens as if God herself was sobbing. The rain soaked everyone and Crowley began to reel in her power. 

"I'm sorry." She fell forward being caught by Aziraphale. The sheer amount of power displayed had drained her energy.

"Who are you apologizing to my dear?" Aziraphale asked holding her steady.

"Him." She pointed to Hastur.

Hastur stared back at her very confused. 

"Me? Why?" He looked no one had ever said this to him. 

"I didn't kill Ligur out of hatred or because I enjoyed it. I was just protecting myself and for no other reason." She was barely standing but she stared him down. He just nodded in understanding. 

"Haztur!" He jumped as Beelzebub addressed him. 

"Y-yes my Prince." He stuttered out. 

"You are to return to Hell, you are not to leave, not to say anything about what happened here until I arrive to deal with you. Do you understand?" Her voice was commanding no demon dare disobey it. 

"Y-yes my Prince." With a pop he disappeared. 

"Sandalphon. Why?" Gabriel whispered looking at the spot where his brother once was. Beelzebub went up to him and held out her hand.

"We should go, go home and get some rest. We can talk about this later but Crowley is about to pass out." She led him to the car. 

Between her and Aziraphale they were able to restore the Bentley to working order and looking exactly how it did before. Although Crowley might have something to say about the tartan seats. Currently she was barely awake, Aziraphale placed her in the back with Gabriel while He and Beelzebub got in the front. In quite a surprise Beelzebub showed that she knew how to drive perhaps even better than Crowley.

Speed it seems is a demon thing because they took off at a breakneck pace. Crowley tiredly shifted over and leaned against Gabriel, who took this as permission to hold her. Her hugged her to him and quietly sobbed into her hair. She seemed to be whispering something back to him that neither Aziraphale nor Beelzebub could understand. They just watched the road as they headed to London.

Queens " **Friends will be Friends"** played on the radio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the end of it all Sandalphon/Rattus was still their brother. Gabriel and him were certainly closer than he was to the others. My brother who is my Beta-reader gave me the idea of calling Aziraphale and Crowley Earth-Bound. I will explain this more in the next chapter. Don't expect Hastur to go after Crowley again. Not only is he going to receive quite the punishment for what will amount to attempted murder of a Prince but now he's scared shitless of Crowley.   
> So I went back to chapter 5 where God blesses them and decided to give name to what Crowley and Aziraphale are. Thanks for reading this far. Constructive criticism is welcome, Kudos and Comments are enjoyed.


	10. Nobody said anything about-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the battle our favorite odd couples have to deal with the aftermath. As the rain pours on things come to light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will probably be it in the agnst for a bit. This is more of a Fluff piece than agnst.

It was still raining when they finally arrived at the bookshop, Crowley was fast asleep her head on Gabriel's shoulder. As the Bentley pulled up Aziraphale noticed three figures standing in the rain yet not getting wet. Their white clothes stood out amongst the dark street. Aziraphale got out first and Gabriel shifted the still sleeping Crowley to his arms. Gabriel got out but stayed near the Bentley, Beelzebub didn't want to get out tired as she was. Michael, Uriel and another angel were standing waiting for them. Aziraphale went up to them spoke briefly before the shop door opened and he took his sleeping demon inside. 

"It's alright Prince Beelzebub, we're not here to cause harm to any of you. Please let's go inside." Michael's voice carried through the rolling thunder. 

Beelzebub looked at Gabriel who held out his hand. She took it as he helped her out of the Bentley, he didn't let go of it as they walked up to the shop door. They walked inside and up the backstairs, Aziraphale was waiting for them in the hall as he ushered them in. Crowley was tucked on the couch surrounded by warm blankets. She hissed slightly as she snored her face contorted in sadness.

Uriel went to her side and with a nod from Aziraphale they sat on the floor holding Crowley's hand and whispering the same words that Crowley had whispered to Gabriel, her face immediately relaxed into one of peace. Aziraphale knows all written languages even those of the ethereal and occult realm, he speaks many languages fluently sans one exception. But until tonight he has never heard the words the Archangels are speaking to each other. All he can venture is that they're older than himself by far, perhaps as old as God herself. He brushes his demon's hair smoothing over and healing the slight cut from where Asmodeus touched her. Kissing her, he turns to the other two angels.

"I suppose we have a lot to discuss." He smile is worried and strained.

"Yes that is the purpose of us being here." Michael said with a pointed look towards Beelzebub. 

"First things first, I need to check Rap-Crowley and Beelzebub for damage." Zariel spoke up hurrying over to Crowley. 

Zariel went over Crowley with a small white rod. Crowley slept on as Zariel passed the rod over her head and abdomen. She smiled and turned to a worried Aziraphale.

"She expended a lot of energy today, even for how powerful she is. She'll be fine and the baby is strong and healthy. Now Beelzy if you could please sit down so I can check you." Zariel motioned to a Lazy Boy chair next to the couch.

"Beelzy? Whyz do you need to check me?" Beelzebub buzzed nervously. 

"We already know Prince Beelzebub. You're not in trouble this is just to make sure everything is alright." Zariel said soothingly. 

Beelzebub groaned but gave in and sat as the rod was waved over her. Zariel frowned a little before pressing her hand to Beelzebub's head and healing her. 

"A slight concussion but everything else looks just fine. Both babies are doing well and growing healthy." Zariel's smile faltered when Gabriel and Beelzebub took in a shocked breath. 

"Both?" They said together. 

"There's more than one?" 

Zariel looked a little sheepish. 

"I'm sorry I thought you guys knew, you're having twins. Really sorry." She backed off as they took in what was happening. 

"Twins? TWINS! Nobody said anything about twins!" Gabriel was almost shouting, luckily Crowley is too deep a sleeper to be woken up by him. Beelzebub was just silently sitting in her chair not saying anything.

Gabriel collapsed in a quickly miracled chair and rubbed his face. He remained silent as the rain poured on. Michael looked at her brother and then to Aziraphale and the sleeping Crowley. 

"So Aziraphale, would you like to inform us of your new tricks or should we just go down to Hell and ask the demon Hastur?" Michael pursed her lips. 

Aziraphale gave a small laugh, no point in delaying the inevitable. Though he had wished that him and Crowley would've had more time to process it themselves. 

"Well it happened the night after Sandalphon's trial." As he spoke the name a loud crack of thunder boomed breaking the window and startling Crowley awake. 

"ANGEL!" She cried out momentarily confused. 

She stared at everyone who were staring at her. 

"What's going on? How much did I misss?" She asked groggily sitting up. 

"I was telling them about the night we gained our new powers." Aziraphale sat on the couch next to her. 

"Oh." 

Crowley said nodding and gingerly laid against him on the couch. Taking a few deep breaths Aziraphale explained about the dream and the blessing from God herself. He ended the story by bringing out his own stunning silver wings, Michael took a step back staring at them, amazed and terrified at the same time. 

"Oh they're so beautiful!" Zariel exclaimed but the look from Michael silenced her. 

"So you are no longer of Heaven?" Uriel stood up and stared at his wings. "Or Hell."

They looked at Crowley who just yawned and shrugged one of her golden wings into existence. Letting it stay there for a few minutes before pulling it back in, all the angels and Beelzebub were staring at them. Aziraphale put his arm around Crowley. 

"What happened to Sandalphon, We felt h-." Michael paused as Gabriel looked down, he was blinking back tears. 

"We felt him die." Uriel finished. 

The two odd couples looked at each other nodding in agreement, they did their best to explain. Detailing everything that happened from them leaving their friends cottage to the confrontation. 

"He waz a fool." Beelzebub stated. 

Everyone but Crowley and Aziraphale stared at her with shock, Michael looked rather offended. 

"You zhould never zwear something as serious az your existence on The River Styx. Especially if it's zomeone else's life you're promising." She glared back at the angels. 

"Beelzebub isss right." Crowley put in. "Only a blind fool would make such an offer. Every Demon in Hell knows this. It takes a truly malicious Demon to even suggest that he do that." She looked at them, she held little sympathy for Sandalphon. 

"So he was destroyed by his own pride and someone else who fed it." Michael glared at Beelzebub. 

"I can't exactly punizh Hastur for tricking another demon. Demonz trick each other all the time." She said with a pointed look at Crowley. 

"And nobody is going to care that he went after Crowley. But he will be punizhed for attempting to kill me az well." Her face and was set in determination of this, Hastur would not get away with any of what happened.

"If that's all you need fromz me, I needz to go." She got up and walked out when Gabriel stopped her. 

"You're not going back now are you?" He looked miserable and deeply worried. 

"I need to dealz with Hastur, I will return as soon az I can." She quickly kissed his cheek and left, he stayed standing as they watched her disappear. 

The rain and thunder continued on. 

"Be safe." Gabriel whispered as she retreated, he had almost lost her today.

"They'll be alright, they're a Prince of Hell. No one will hurt them." Crowley said yawning as Gabriel sat down again. Michael looked out the window at the rain. 

"How long do you think she'll keep this up?" She said as lightning flashed across the sky.

"I think he'd be honored that she is reacting like this." Uriel said looking at Gabriel. 

"It's my fault. All of this is my fault." Gabriel whimpered out. He hung his head in his hands and let out a sob. Everyone stared at him with pity. 

"If I had been more attentive maybe this wouldn't have happened." Gabriel's voice wavered. 

"Gabriel you can't blame yourself for Sandaphon's actions. We all could have been more attentive to him but his actions are his own." Michael put her hand on her brother's shoulder. 

"But if I had paid more attention to what he was saying maybe Helel wouldn't have rebelled, we wouldn't have lost him or Raphael or Raguel. But no I was caught up in my own selfish desires." He was sobbing now. 

"What bullshit." Crowley said as every angel in the room winced. "You can only be held responssible for how you acted, Not for how anyone else acted. You have to forgive yourself for things out of your control. You didn't push Helel nor choose to Fell me. As for Raguel, only he is responsible for his actionss. Wherever he may be it was his actions that took him there. Don't blame yourself like you have power and control over others." Crowley looked him dead in the eyes taking off her sunglasses. Her eyes glinted an old familiar shade of gold. 

"Don't let what Sandalphon did to himself destroy you. We've already lost enough of our ssiblings. As big of a prick as you are I don't want to lose you too."

 _*Not when I just got you back*_ Crowley finished in her head. 

Gabriel nodded and looked back at Michael placing his hand over her's. She squeezed his hand looking back at Crowley who looked like she was going to pass out. 

"Perhaps we should come back another time and let you guys settle in." She noted Aziraphale had his hand over her growing belly. 

"And perhaps we need to have a serious discussion with the rest of the Host about sex and reproduction." She bid them goodbye and Uriel followed.

Zariel gave a crushing hug to Aziraphale and Crowley. 

"We'll see each other soon I suspect. I can't wait to talk to you properly. Goodnight Aziraphale and Gabriel." She bounced away. 

Crowley stood up and faltered a little, Aziraphale caught her. 

"Why don't we go to bed My Dear. Goodnight Gabriel." He helped Crowley get to their room as Gabriel left for Bee's flat. 

Gabriel sat in the flat waiting for Bee to return, he prayed to God that she would be ok. He silently apologized for being unable to stop Sandalphon's destructive path. He was answered on the latter by a massive crack of thunder. Followed by the sounds of the rain stopping. When he went to the window he couldn't believe his eyes, a bright rainbow in the early morning sky. He took it as a sign to move on from his self loathing. He decided that this would be a good time to make something for Beelzebub to eat when she got back from Hell.

* * *

Beelzebub was buzzing angrily as they stormed into their office startling Dagon who jumped up in surprise. 

"Beelzebub! You're back." Dagon stared at them, their boils had decreased in size and there were fewer. Something that they didn't seem to notice. Another thing they didn't seem to notice was the light purple marks on their collarbone. 

"Yez, now I need you to call the other Princez to the Wrath boardroom and have Hastur brought to my office." They looked at Dagon their most trusted friend(as trusted as you can get in Hell.) 

Dagon nodded. Before leaving to summon the disposables though she pointed to Beelzebub's neck. 

"You might outta get rid of those Prince of Gluttony." 

Beelzebub blessed and waved the hickeys away. It's not like They couldn't make more, they put their hands on their stomach. The smell of sulfur was making them sicker than usual, they quietly vomited into a bin.

"You lizten herez I need to talk to some very important beings. Zo you two better not do anything to blow our cover or who knowz what will happenzz." They cleaned up fixed their uniform and headed towards the Wrath boardroom. 

In a darkly lit black and red boardroom sat the remaining five Princes,

_**Belphegor(Menace): Prince of Sloth** _

_**Asoterath:Prince of Lust** _

_**Dagon:Prince of Pride** _

_**Leviathan:Prince of Envy** _

_**Mammon:Prince of Greed** _

"All hail Satan." They greeted.

"All hail Satan." Was returned five times. 

"We have not met like this for 72 years. Where is Asmodeus?" Prince Leviathan asked. 

"Yes, where is the thrice damned beast. It's not like him to miss a meeting, especially in his own boardroom." Asoterath sultry queried.

"He'z dead." Beelzebub informed them, the others didn't seem to care. 

"Dead? Dead how, because I don't think it would be that hard to find him here." Levi shrugs.

Sure it's been well over 5,000 years since one of them discorperated but they're the Princes of Hell. They don't need to worry about the consequences anymore, it's such a non issue that not everyone is paying attention. Menace is sleeping, Dagon is picking at her nails, Asoterath is on her phone messing around on something called Tinder and Mammon is trying to steal rocks from the wall.

"He's dead, permanently. I saw him die." Beelzebub slammed their hands down on the table, startling everyone to attention. 

"What happened then? What could kill a Prince." Dagon asks focusing on Beelzebub's face.

"He went after the demon Crowley. Turns out Crowley is az powerful as we thought, they quickly finished off Asmodeus. It waz like he was a mere gadfly to them." Beelzebub stressed the last point with their voice, the flies buzzed terrified. 

"So what do we do? Should we try and capture the Serpent?" Dagon looked Them in the eyes. 

"No, Asmodeus was warned to stay away, Now we zee why. The Serpent has left uz alone, they acted out of self perseveration. We need to stress to everyone to leave them alone." Beelzebub stared at Their fellow Princes. 

"So what do we do now that we're one Prince short? We've always had seven." Asoterath asked. 

"Hold a tournament for the Dukes and Viscounts whoever wins gets the job. Now I must attend my businezz, this meeting is dismissed." They all bowed and saluted before parting ways. Mammon dragginghis chair with him.

Beelzebub stalked back to their office with Dagon hot on their heels. Hastur was there chained to the floor and looking properly terrified. He looked up when they entered and let out a squeak, Beelzebub smiled at this. 

"Haztur." They buzzed. 

"Yes my Prince." Hastur's voice was filled with dread. 

"You disobeyed orders, you went after the Serpent when told to leave them alone. You're idiotic actions got a Prince killed and you willingly tried to kill me. Now I could go all the way to Lucifer, you know how he is about not following orders." 

Hastur paled shaking like he was going to discorperate on the spot. 

"However, I have an idea of what to do with you. Treacherous toad." Beelzebub was smiling at him they produced a nasty looking brand. It was already glowing red hot. Dagon would watch, it's only fair to have a witness after all. 

"Demon Hastur for your crimes, I hereby strip you of your rank, title and accomodations. You're now sentenced to janitorial services until I decree otherwise. You are hereby bound to Hell barring permission from me your Prince and Master." 

They pressed the brand into his neck as he screamed. The brand would be visible to all a punishment for him and a warning to others. Beelzebub dismissed him having disposables take him to start work in the Hellhound cages. As the door closed behind the retreating figures Beelzebub felt themselves about to vomit again. They ran to the trash can as they tried to purge the smell of burning flesh from their system. 

Dagon came up behind them.

  
  


"What is going on with you?" She said staring at the Prince. 

"It's nothing you need to concern yourzelf with. Just give me my filez and orderz. I'll be leaving soon enough." Beelzebub buzzed waiving their hand. 

Dagon stared at them but just scoffed before fetching a large stack of paperwork and handing it to them. 

"I'll zend these back when they're done." They got up to leave. Beelzebub looked back at their friend. 

"Iz there anything you want from earth? I can zend something for youz." 

"I always liked that fugu sushi stuff." Dagon replied.

  
  


"I'll zend it when I can. Goodbye Dagon." With that they left heading out of Hell and back to Earth.

* * *

Aziraphale smelled burning food, noting that Crowley was still asleep but starting to stir from the smell. He quickly performed a miracle to keep her from waking, she'd already been through enough in the last 36 hours she didn't need to add a panic attack on top of it. He kissed her and she smiled in her sleep gently grabbing at him. Getting up he headed across the hall to Beelzebub's flat, he rapped quickly on the door and it opened to a rather disheveled Gabriel. His hair was a mess and he had burnt part of his suit jacket. 

"I smelled something burning, thought I'd pop over and see what it was." Aziraphale was trying not to laugh at him. 

"Aziraphale! Thank Her you did." Gabriel waved him into the flat. 

Aziraphale took in the disaster scene before him. The rustic kitchen looked was covered in random spatters of egg and batter. There was a stack of burnt pancakes on the counter. The stove was still going at maximum heat. Gabriel looked at him silent pleading in his eyes. 

"What umm, what were you trying to make here?" Aziraphale asked him miracling the stove off. 

"Pancakes and eggs. I thought I was following the instructions properly but the eggs exploded from the pan. Why would humans have food that explodes?" Gabriel was pulling miserably at his jacket. It's burned and frayed edges were brittle and coming apart. 

Aziraphale let out a small laugh, Shutting up when the Archangel glared at him. He huffed and went to inspect the damage.

"Did you crack the eggs before putting them in the pan?" He asked it looked like there were eggs in the pancakes as well. 

"You're supposed to crack them?" Gabriel came up to him. 

Aziraphale sighed and after miracling everything clean he showed Gabriel how to properly make eggs and pancakes. Soon he had a lovely stack, with a large pitcher of syrup. Just as Gabriel was done setting the table up Bee walked in. 

"Zomething smellz good." She buzzed happily at the sight of the food along with the pitcher of maple syrup awaiting it. 

Aziraphale just took his leave while the two sat down to eat. As he was leaving he heard Bee.

"What the Heaven happened to your jacket?" 

He snickered to himself as he made his way back to his bedroom. Slipping into the bed he was immediately seized by the clingy unconscious Crowley. She snuggled up to him and wouldn't let go. He placed his hand on her belly and felt the gentle pulse of their baby, it seemed like they were asleep as well. Deciding that it wasn't a bad idea he fell asleep as well. 

They stayed wrapped around each other content and happy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zariel is bubbles personified, also she has a tendency to say whatever pops into her head without thinking about what she's saying. She would have done well in the Chattering Order. Though if she had been there the babies probably wouldn't have been lost. She is very good at her job after all.


	11. Doctor who now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meetings are annoying also Who is that lanky man with a blue police box?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little glimpse into the past and then we get to Heaven.

**Sometime after the Apoco-isn't**

* * *

Crowley and Aziraphale were in Tadfield and Aziraphale watched from the shade of the trees as Crowley chased around the Them. Smiling fondly as the big scary demon chased them having made themselves look like Bigfoot. The kids laughed loudly at Aziraphale felt himself wondering for not the first or last time. If he'll ever stop falling in love with his demon. For he did love Crowley, he spent 6,000 years denying any incrum of positive feelings for them because he was afraid. But now that was over, now he could be free to love Crowley as much as the demon deserved.   


  


"Adam Young for the last time you and your friends get away from my apples." 

  


Aziraphale looked up from his book as he watched Crowley and the Them run back into view each carrying a small handful of Mr.Tyler's apples. He probably should discourage them from stealing, but it is just food and food should be enjoyed. Besides in his opinion Mr.Tyler was a rather crotchety man. Crowley ran up laughing and plopped down on the picnic blanket. 

  


"Hey Angel." They gave him a kiss on his cheek. 

  


"I see you're encouraging theft in the kids. I'm sure Hell isn't keeping tabs anymore." Aziraphale chastised smiling as he did so. 

  


"Eh, it's fun to sow discord. Besides Adam tells me that Mr. Tyler doesn't even eat or sell the apples. He just bins them can you believe it?" 

Crowley looks at him while making a show of organizing the apples by appearance. One seemed a bit smaller than the others.

  


"Really? Well that is rather wasteful. All that food that could be given to those who would appreciate it more." 

  


"I know! People starving all over the world and he bins perfectly good apples like this one." 

Crowley holds one out to Aziraphale. 

  


At first glance it's rather lovely if small, it's bright red too. It doesn't look like a real apple it looks more like a box? 

  


Aziraphale gasps as he takes the box he opens it up and there's a gold ring in there. It's in the shape of a snake and the eye is a sky blue sapphire. 

  


"Oh---Crowley!" His eyes are tearing up, he looks at Crowley who's blushing and trying to avoid eye contact.

  


"What do you say Angel? Been 6,000 years might as well shout it for the world to hear." Crowley can see the Them behind the angel grinning at them. 

  


"Of course I will!" Aziraphale launches forward and kisses his beloved demon. He slips the ring on and the Them run and tackle the two of them in a dog pile. With Dog managing to get to the highest point.

* * *

Bee and Gabriel had joined them for breakfast. Gabriel so far could only make pancakes and as much as Bee enjoyed sugar it was getting boring. Oddly enough after the events of the anniversary of the Apoco-nope it was easier for them to get along. Gabriel and Aziraphale watched as their demons chatted away about topics that they found mildly disturbing. 

  


"Ssso what did Hell do now that Asmodeus is gone?" Crowley asked mouthful of eggs. 

  


"Well Gremory won the tournament zo he's the Prince of Wrath now. Az for Hastur he's on janitorial services and bound to Hell unless I say otherwise. If he ever triez to start zomething again I will turnz him over to Lucifer." Bee responded shoveling food into her mouth showing even less manners than Crowley. 

  


Crowley hummed. 

  


"Don't count on it keeping him forever, he'sss an idiot who can't think before he actss. Remember when Hell had the Reap what you sow policy?" Crowley said fork waving at Bee.

  


"Don'tzz remind me of that policyzz. Zo much extra paperwork and then everything waz ztalled because no demonz were willing to come up with new ideaz." 

  


"Yeah well I don't blame them, I hated that policy from the beginning." Crowley replies.

  


Gabriel and Aziraphale looked at each other. 

  


"What's the Reap what you sow policy?" Gabriel interjected. 

  


"For a few yearz Hell tried a policy that if you laid claimzz to a torture device you got to be the one to demonztrate it." Bee supplied as the angels stared in shock. 

  


"That's barbaric." Aziraphale said.

  


Bee grinned as though it was a high compliment. 

  


"Don't worry about it too much angel. It didn't lassst long becausse few demons wanted to go through it. I think only Adimarchus was upset to see it removed." 

  


"Ohzz I forgot about Adimarchus, he'z always been a mad lad. Do you know that he ztillzz putz himself throughzz that?" 

  


"He seemss to enjoy it sso I'm not going to judge, anyways my point wass that during that policy that Perillos dude came up with the Brazen Bull. And then when Hastur found the blueprints, he laid claim to it before I could have a chance. Not that I was going to claim the damned thing anyways. I warned him not to but he said he wanted to get one up on me. No matter how many timesss I told the idiot to just leave it be he proudly showed off the blueprints without even looking at them. I think it was shortly after that that they did away with the policy." Crowley had finished her plate and waved it away. 

  


"Yezzz, if you azk me I'm glad never cared for it." Bee was grabbing more food. 

  


"I imagine it's hard to inspire work ethic with things like that." Aziraphale just shook his head. 

  


They just continued chatting about random subjects as the morning wore on. After everyone (Beezelbub) had eaten their fill Gabriel's phone dinged. 

  


"It's a from Michael, she wants me and Aziraphale to come to a meeting in Heaven." 

  


Aziraphale looked at him.

  


"Me? Why do they need me?" He asked fidgeting.

  


"The text reads that it is of vital importance that the both of us attend this meeting and that it'll only be a few hours. It also says to leave our demons on Earth." He said showing Aziraphale the text. 

  


At this Crowley stood up. 

  


"I don't like it. Aziraphale asked to be left out of Heaven's affairs for now. Why do you need to pull him back in?" She was getting angry.

  


"You don't have to come Aziraphale, I'll make an excuse for you." Gabriel raised his hand to put on Aziraphale's shoulder but thought better of it.

  


Aziraphale pondered this for a few minutes before answering. 

  


"I think I'll go." He said.

  


"What?! Angel, you can't be serious after everything they've put you through." Crowley looked upset and scared. Aziraphale grabbed her hands.

  


"They've also helped us out and we're both under protection, I will be fine my love. I can handle myself." He kissed her cheek.

  


She grumbled but nodded in agreement Aziraphale and Gabriel got up to leave. Gabriel promising to look after Aziraphale they headed out to Heaven.

  


Crowley grumbled as she paced around. 

  


"You never zit ztill do you?" Bee asked and Crowley just hissed at her.

  


Bee sighed and went to go sit on the couch flipping on the TV. She shuffled through the channels until she found one she liked. It was a show about a blue police box and someone called Doctor. Eventually after a few episodes Crowley stopped pacing and sat down with her to watch. 

  


"I'm still hungry, what about you?" Bee asked to which Crowley pulled out her phone and started looking up places to order from.

* * *

Aziraphale never really got used to the empty smell of Heaven. It can be unnerving to be in a place that literally doesn't smell like anything. He was fidgeting again and muttering to himself outside the conference room with Gabriel who was tapping his foot. 

  


"Aziraphale please, I know you're nervous but all this muttering is making me antsy."

  


Gabriel looked at him, Aziraphale nodded absently and went back to muttering. Gabriel sighed not much he could do, they sat waiting until finally the doors opened. Getting up they walked into the room where Uriel, Michael and Remiel waited. They sat down at the table looking like a pair of children about to be scolded for their misbehaviour. Remiel smiled at them while Uriel was going through files and Michael looked annoyed and grumpy. 

  


"Glad you two came we have some things to talk about." Remiel said. 

  


"Yes, I believe we do." Michael said through pursed lips. 

  


"First of all I want to say Congratulations! How exciting it must be." Remiel looked giddy and Michael let out an annoyed sniff. Uriel just sighed and pulled out a couple of forms. Handing one each to Aziraphale and Gabriel.

  


"What's this?" Aziraphale asked pulling out his reading glasses.

  


"It's a form for domestic partnership, we figured since you two are in such a relationship with your demons we'd put it the official ledgers. You'll need to fill this out with your respective spouses." They said.

  


"Spouse?" Gabriel looked up at the three Archangels.

  


"Wait you and Beelzebub aren't married yet?" Michael asked scathingly Gabriel shook his head. "But you're about to become parents, surely you two should be married by now." 

  


"Well I didn't think about it. Besides I don't know how well they would take it" Gabriel said defensively.

  


"Aziraphale and Crowley got married before shacking up." Michael pointed out to which Aziraphale blushed and looked away.

  


"Yes well they weren't tied to their realms any longer. Do you really think that Bee would agree to be married when they're still a prince of Hell?!" Gabriel fought back voice rising.

  


"Maybe if you had thought things through before shacking up with the first demon you come acro-!" Michael's voice raised as well.

  


"Alright! That's enough! Both of you sit down." Remiel stood up and glared at both of them.

  


"Now." She stated.

  


They both plopped back into their seats.

  


"Gabriel this form is merely a formality, if you can't get Beelzebub to sign it then that's fine. Michael you need to swallow your pride. Who cares who they are involved with, the fact of the matter is that they're both in a relationship and going to be parents. If the Almighty was against it She would step in and say something. So just drop it, it's not your place to judge." Remiel spoke calmly. 

  


"Now we need to discuss the fact that you two might not be the only odd couples in Heaven and Hell, and would like your input on how we discuss such relationships with the rest of the Host." Remiel continued.

  


The meeting dragged on for hours and by the end of it both Gabriel and Aziraphale were itching to return home. When they got back to the store they found both their demons asleep on the couch. Leaned against each other and surrounded by take out containers. Aziraphale smiled softly at the sight and went to wake them up, he looked briefly at the TV which he thought he spotted a familiar face on. He kissed Crowley awake. 

  


"Hey Angel, how'd the meetings go?" She asked sitting up and letting Bee fall with a start.

  


"It went fine, did you guys order an entire feast?" He gestured to the mess surrounding them. 

  


"Wazthat? Oh, oh yeah sorry we couldn't agree on a place so we just ordered some from everyone." She smiled eyes crinkling and Aziraphale melted at the sight. He just waved away the mess. 

  


"Oh I forgot to tell you we have that birthing class thing next week." She held out her phone which had the calendar pulled up. "We also have our next appointment with Dr.Mios." 

  


"Dr.Mios?" Bee asked rubbing her eyes.

  


"She's the baby doctor we see. Here." Crowley miracled the card and handed it to her. 

  


"Couldn't hurt to make an appointment. Thank you." Gabriel said as he and Bee left for their flat. 

  


Aziraphale settled down on the couch with Crowley who immediately snuggled up to him. She turned her attention to the TV and Aziraphale watched as a red-headed women and lanky man dashed across the screen. He pulled a puzzled face.

  


"Crowley?" He spoke up.

  


"Yeah Angel?" She snuggled tighter into his lap as he carded his fingers through her hair.

  


"I say that man looks exactly like you. Who is he?" Aziraphale watched as the man grinned that same dimpled grin he loves. 

  


"Eh got bored for a few years thought I'd try something new." She looked up at him grinning. "Although if you want to really get a feel for it you have to start at the beginning. Well not the beginning of the series as many parts of it were lost but let's start with the first episode of the 10th Doctor."

She clicked it back to the first episode as he settled in to watch with her.

* * *

"And after fertilization the egg attaches itself to the uterus and the embryo begins to grow." 

  


Miss. Landem doesn't quite know why she's teaching Sex Ed to a room packed with full grown adults. All of them wearing white clothing. Part of her brain thinks this is some kind of weird cult, she does hope she's not being recruited by them. But she won't exactly remember this, she'll remember giving a lecture and being very well compensated for it. 

She won't remember how many people were in the room. Nor will she remembers their apparent ages, it's a small bit of oversight that'll allow her to remember seeing many of the people speaking in hushed whispers into their phones. She'll just chalk any weirdness up as a dream. On her way home she will decide to stop in a bakery and meet quite the cute girl in line. They'll talk for awhile and who knows what'll happen from there. 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Michael has her prejudices but don't worry she's not a threat, just kind of xenophobic.  
> In Biblical lore Gremory is actually the Demon Prince of Wrath and Asmodeus is usually repersentaive of Lust. But Asmodeus is also the Prince of Wrath so it's up in the air.
> 
> Adimarchus is actually the Demon Prince of madness in DnD although that's all I know right now. I'm still new to DnD. Anyone care to guess what Class I am?


	12. Baby class

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for baby classes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! It's been awhile, sorry I disappeared had a depressive episode and lost interest in this. I'm back now and going to try to stick to a schedule. Here's the next part of Birds and Bees. Hope you all enjoy.

Crowley drove like the madwoman she always is. She was able to beat her previous record by two and a half minutes. Grinning stupidly they pulled into the parking lot of the OB-GYN, as they all got out of the car Bee ran for the nearest trash can. Gabriel held back her hair, looking a little green himself. 

"Fucking pzychotic znake. Are you actively trying to discorperate uz?" Bee buzzed wiping her mouth. 

Crowley just shrugged and headed inside. Aziraphale shook his head and they followed behind her Gabriel grumbling to him. 

"Has she always been this way." He asked. 

This prompted Aziraphale to let out a snorting laugh. He had been the "passenger" of Crowley's driving for the past 92 years. In that entire time they had only driven sanely twice. The first time had been because there were bombs falling around them and they had to navigate in the dark.

As they walked into the building Gabriel looked up and noticed that there was a shiny two wheeled vehicle on the roof. A man stood outside shifting between muttering to himself and crying as he looked up towards it. Gabriel couldn't bare to see this and with a flick of his wrist as they got into the elevator the vehicle came crashing down. 

The office had changed, gone was the wood and chrome decor. It had been replaced with soft sofas, cushy pillows and fountains. It was repainted in pastels and the light wasn't as harsh as it had been before. Both Crowley and Bee looked gloriously out of place, they walked up to the desk and signed in. The blonde woman (Desiree they came to learn) looked up at them from her phone. 

"I should tell you that Dr.Mios retired, we have a new Dr. now." She said as they handed the paperwork back to her. 

"Really?" Aziraphale asked.

"Yeah she said she wanted to pursue the arts or something like that. Anyways the new Dr. will see you shortly." She left them with that and they sat down in the waiting room.

_ "The inability to sit properly must be a demon thing."  _ Aziraphale thinks to himself as he observes Bee throwing her legs over the armrest of the chair she's sitting in. Crowley is sitting in her usual loose limbed manner flipping through her phone. 

They only have to wait for a quarter of an hour before Crowley and Aziraphale are called back.

They walk through the door and are greeted by a familiar squeal of happiness. A head of chocolate hair is all they see as Zariel pulls them both into a warm hug. 

"You guys! I'm so glad to see you again." She says as she directs them to a room. 

They sit down and talk with her for a little bit, Zariel begins to explain why she's here. 

"I got the order about a month ago but I had to wrap everything up, before I could settle in. I can't believe I get to be your OB-GYN! and Gabriel's too. Orders directly from Metatron themselves! Isn't that neat!" 

Crowley stares at Aziraphale, this certainly strange but it would make sense to have an angel be the one who takes care of them. 

Zariel chats away happily as she runs the tests, not as invasive as the last time. She then pulls out the sonogram machine. Crowley lays down on the table as Zariel turns on the machine. Both her and Aziraphale watch as their baby comes into view. It's already starting to look like a person.

"A very healthy heart, and it's developing at the ideal pace. Would you like to know the gender?" 

Zariel asks them. 

Crowley and Aziraphale look at each other. 

"We don't really care, it's not like we have set in stone genders ourselves." They both answer. 

Zariel accepts this and then goes to print out the sonogram for them to take home. Soon they're being pushed out of the door and Gabriel and Bee are called back. Aziraphale waited reading a book while Crowley was busy starting Twitter wars. After almost an hour Bee and Gabriel came back, Bee was laughing to herself and Gabriel looked embarrassed and misty eyed. 

Piling into the car they all headed to where the baby classes were supposed to take place. There were couples standing about in the room, soon to be parents at varying stages of pregnancy. 

While the other couples wore matching outfits or styles to some degree. The same could not be said for Crowley and Aziraphale or Bee and Gabriel. 

Crowley was wearing tight fitted black sleek yoga clothes that honestly looked like they were straight out of a spy/ninja movie. Bee's outfit was similar in style just with a red and blue color scheme. Aziraphale and Gabriel were wearing outfits of light blue and lavender respectively. This amused Crowley to giggles, Aziraphale just stared at her.

"Sorry Angel, it's just I've never seen you in modern clothing until now." Aziraphale blushed looking away but Crowley gently grabbed his chin. Cupping it she kissed him. 

"I think it suits you." She smiled as Bee made a gagging noise next to them. Crowley was about two seconds away from miracling their mouth closed.

Suddenly there was a buzz of energy as a bright perky brunette walked into the room. 

The woman who could rival Crowley for how pale she was bowed to the classes. Only a few bowed back. 

"Welcome life givers, I am Whitney and I will be your guide for preparing your bodies for the glory of delivery. If you'll all be seated I'd like to begin with getting to know each other. So if you would please go around the room and state your names and how far along you are." 

Everyone sat in a semicircle. A young couple started it. 

"I'm Anastasia and this is my husband Darren and we're five months along." 

"I'm Jude and this is my wife Mona, and we're two months along." 

This continued until they got to odd couples.

Everyone whispered about them, Crowley could distinctly hear one of them wondering if they were some weird polyamorous group. She snorted at this, leaning into Aziraphale's arms. 

"I'm Lilith but you can call me Crowley and thisss is my husssband Aziraphale. We're about four months along." She looked up at Aziraphale waved politely and placed a kiss in her hair. 

The class turned to Bee who looked towards Gabriel elbowing him in the gut. 

"Ah yes, I'm Gabriel and this is my partner Bee. We're two months along now." Gabriel smiled that megawatt grin of his. 

"Very good, now we're going to begin with breathing exercises transition into yoga stretches and end with a movie. So let's begin."

They started with Lamaze and both demons were feeling light-headed but once you got the pattern down it wasn't so hard. 

As they did yoga Crowley took this opportunity to show off just how flexible she is, even while four months pregnant. She snickered as the others in the class stared at her. She was supporting herself on one hand while bending her legs back and almost over her shoulders. 

Aziraphale seemed exasperated. 

"Really My Dear." He huffed under his breath. 

"Human women are not supposed to be able to do this while pregnant." 

Crowley smirked.

"You seemed to enjoy my flexibility last night." She said with a wink. 

This caused him to turn red but he still looked at her with a warning in his eyes. She sat down and proceeded with the proper positions. 

"You're no fun." She sighed. 

Aziraphale wrapped his arms around her gently squeezing her butt as he did. 

"Oh come now dearest, that's not what you were screaming last night. When you were begging me to slow down." He whispered the last part into her ear. 

Crowley swung her head around and was met with a challenging smile. 

"Tit for tat my dear." 

The bastard angel certainly knew how to play. 

Bee and Gabriel just focused on their own selves, trying to ignore the rising lust pouring from those two. 

Soon the lessons were over and it was time for a short movie. Crowley considered miracling some popcorn but as it started she was glad she didn't.

  
  


"Well done life givers, we are going to watch a video on the birthing process. But before we do. I have to ask. How many of you are planning on natural childbirth?" Whitney looked around the room as more than half of the hands raised. 

"That's so good, I'm so proud of you. And how many are planning on using western medicine to drug your baby for your own selfish comfort?" 

Nobody but Bee and Crowley raised their hands. They got a few scathing looks from around the room, and a few of shame from the others. This pissed Crowley off, she said nothing though. The tape started and they watched as an unknown woman delivered her baby with no drugs to help her along. The woman's screams of pain carried throughout the room, as the four human shaped beings cringed in horror. The woman on the tape tore herself open delivering her baby and was out of it by the time she was done. 

"See how wonderful it is, how the body naturally adapts to the beautiful process of delivery." 

Whitney went on praising the idea of natural this, natural that, both Crowley and Aziraphale were getting annoyed at this. It was when she went to suggest that home births were better than the hospital that Aziraphale had had enough. 

"Really now, you can't be serious." He huffed. 

"Do you have a problem with it sir?" Whitney tried to stare him down. 

"I rather say I do. I have been present for many births in my life and I have to say that you disparaging modern medicine is setting up these parents for potential harm and death." Aziraphale glared at her not backing down. 

"Are you a trained midwife?" Whitney asled. 

"No I am not." 

"Then I have to say that you don't kn-" 

Before she could finish Aziraphale cut in. 

"Have you ever watched a mother die? Have you had to sit back as a woman in her 42 hour of labor starts to lose consciousness and the poor father is stuck with saving his wife or his child?" Aziraphale was starting to release an aura of celestial energy, Crowley tapped him in a warning to not reveal too much. "Modern medicine has lowered the risk of death or permanent damage. It saves lives and in fact it's more foolish and risky to not use the tools given to you. If you choose not to use them that's on you but I will not sit here and let you fill these people's head with lies about something that could wind up saving them." He finished and all eyes were on him. 

Whitney backed down a little, but squared her jaw. 

"If that's how you feel then you can get out." She said clearly upset that someone was challenging her.

"Very well, then. Let's go Crowley. Gabriel, Bee stay if you want. You know the way back to the shop." Aziraphale helped Crowley up, Gabriel and Bee stood up to go with them.

Whitney seemed irritated at this. 

"I really hope your selfish desires don't lead to your babies becoming drug addicts." She snipped passive aggressively. Bee stopped in her tracks. She glared at Whitney who backed away as her eyes gleamed red. 

"As if you're one to talk Mizz Xanax in the morning with two glazzez of scotch." 

Whitney paled at this as more of her students stood up and left. 

The four of them piled into the Bentley and drove off. 

"Well we just ruined her career." Gabriel said. 

"If that woman is going to keep spreading lies about childbirth and convincing others to put themselves at risk. Just so they can claim some false moral high ground then maybe her career deserves to be ruined, but I am worried, it's important that you do prepare your body for a child. I apologise, Crowley, Prince Beelzebub." Aziraphale darkly. 

Crowley placed her hand on his. 

"It's alright Angel, we can find a different classss." She squeezed his hand. 

"Yez, and from watching that videoz I have to agree with you. There's no way in the nine circlez of Hell I'm puzhing out two babiez." Bee looked nauseous. 

"Yeah I'm not sssure I'm looking forward to that either." Crowley hissed. 

They sat in silence with just a few gasps and groans at her driving as Crowley pulled up to a restaurant. 

"I'm sstarving, let'ss get ssome food." She declared. 

They sat down to eat, Gabriel ordered practically nothing, Crowley ordered a full plate of random things. Only Bee and Aziraphale seemed to be trying to out match each other on how much they were eating. They ate in relative silence, Gabriel spoke up. 

"I've been meaning to ask you something Aziraphale." 

Aziraphale put down his fork and dabbed his mouth before replying. 

"I know you still haven't agreed to continue to work for us but we need your help." Gabriel pulled out some forms.

"With what?" Aziraphale was looking over them. 

"There's a book hidden in this castle but there's all this writing and symbols that no one in Heaven seems to be able to figure out." 

"Ah, let me see. Ah yes, this is mycenaean greek, ancient language. Which is actually where a lot of the myths take place. Hmm, these all seem to be a warning. Are these the only ones?" 

Aziraphale glanced over the small cluster. 

"No, that's why we're wondering if you could come translate it for us so we don't screw anything up." Gabriel tapped his toes. 

"I suppose I could." 

"Angel!" Crowley cried.

"What is my dear?" Aziraphale turned to look at her. 

"Do you really want to do this? It could be very dangerous, there might be curses on it." Crowley was concerned. 

"Yes, but." Aziraphale had that sparkle in his eyes, the sparkle that came from the quest for knowledge untold. 

Crowley sighed.

"Fine, but I'm coming to."

Bee nodding as she also wanted to go.

"Absolutely not!" Both Gabriel and Aziraphale shouted at the same time. All the patrons looked at them. Crowley sighed and clicked her fingers pausing time. 

"Why notz?" Bee asked. 

"Because we're not going to put you or the children in danger." Aziraphale responded outraged. 

"Like we're going to ssstay home being damselss, we want to come with you. Who knowsss what curses you might need uss for." Crowley hissed. 

The argument continued on for some time. Aziraphale and Gabriel didn't want to risk their demons or babies, and Crowley and Beelzebub didn't want to risk their angels. Eventually they came to an agreement. 

"How about this, me and Gabriel will go to collect the book. If we find anything that we can't handle we'll send for you and leave it alone until you get there." 

Everyone seemed to agree with this. They snapped time back and decided to go home. When they got back to the shop they went to their separate flats to spend the night together. 

Aziraphale had started the habit of reading to their unborn child, Crowley would join in helping him do the voices.

They both placed their hands on her belly talking to the growing life. They felt a bursting pulse of happiness their child was talking back to them. The aura that surrounded the two Earth Bound and their spawn glowed brightly unseen by mortal eyes.

* * *

Raguel blinked in the darkness, he drew in a breath though there was no oxygen to be found here. He felt a pulse, it was just like the one before. He smiled to himself. It was time to wake up, he looked at his surroundings. Space sprawled out around him. Twin stars above him gleamed brightly, he'd been here long enough. 

He released his wings and began to fly, chasing the pulse to its source.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tired of people acting like modern medicine is toxic and a scam. There are millions of mothers who are alive today because of modern medicine. And there are thousands of them who die because they don't have access to it or refuse it. Childbirth is the most one of the most truamatic things you can put your body through. If you have access to morden medicine and are going to be having a baby please use it.


	13. Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warlock wants to know what unconditional love is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Yay! After getting over a writing block and a depressive episode I'm back into writing again. I have my brothers wedding to deal with this week so I'm not sure when the next chapter will be. Comments are enjoyed and Constructive criticism is welcome.

_ "Tell me a story Nanny."  _

_ Warlock tugged at Nanny's skirt as she carved at the block of wood in her hands. He always did love watching Nanny carve things. She had gifted hands, it never even occurred to him to wonder why she used her nails instead of a knife. The sun was setting and it was nearly time for bed. Most nights she would tell him of great battles and wars, he'd fall asleep listening to stories about Alexander the Great and Napoleon. _

_ Tonight was different though, tonight she seemed to be in a somber mood. As she carved the block of wood into a small wooden pair of wings. She smiled sadly at him and hummed for a second before she spoke.  _

_ "Alright little Hellspawn, tuck yourself into bed and I'll tell you the story of an Angel and a Bookshop."  _

_ He did as she asked and she kissed his cheek (his parents were always busy) before beginning her story. It was a lovely story and at the end of it she produced the little charm she had made. One of the wings outstretched in a sheltering manner. It was already attached to a thin golden chain, which she put around his neck. The chain wouldn't dare break. _

_ "Nanny you're going to leave aren't you?"  _

_ Warlock had tears pricking in his eyes.  _

_ "I'm sorry my little Hellspawn, I have to. But I won't leave you alone, the pendant I gave you is a special one. It'll keep you safe, if you're ever in Soho look for the bookshop in the story. You'll find the angel there and you'll be safe and sound."  _

_ She hugged him tightly, singing to him as he fell asleep. Kissing his head one last time she headed out. Her final paycheck burned in her wallet, she'd never spend it. She met Brother Francis at the gate and they drove off together silently. _

* * *

"Are you sure it's this way Master Warlock?" 

Bernard said sadly looking out at the passing shops as he drove. The sun was setting and Warlock sat in the backseat. Clutching a wooden pendant, tears pricking his eyes. The sun was setting, it would soon be time for bed. Red-light theatres and adult clubs passed by the windows of the car. This was certainly an odd place for a bookshop, but Bernard drove on nonetheless. 

Warlock nodded his head and he stared out the window. The events of earlier that day played over and over again in his head. 

**"I don't care where you go, you can't stay here."**

His father shouted at him, furious after finding his journal and reading about him questioning his sexuality. 

**"We need a break, is there somewhere you can go?"**

These words from his mother hurt worse than the smack his father had given him. He fled from the house and didn't realize how far he'd gotten until Bernard, his father's main security detail pulled up and asked to get in the car. Bernard offered to take Warlock to his mother's house until they could work something out. Warlock grabbed at his shirt and felt the pendant underneath it. He shook his head and instead asked to be taken to London. 

Bernard pulled up to the shop, it was an old looking building with grimy windows and books packed so high and tight you can't look in. 

Bernard felt unsure about this and was already planning on calling his mother to set up a bed for Warlock. Still he got out of the car, asking Warlock to wait inside the car until he could confirm that the people were there, he knocked on the door. 

* * *

Aziraphale and Gabriel were off taking care of the castle with all its runes. Beelzebub was buzzing about looking for something to do. 

"I'm bored." They whined at Crowley. Crowley was flicking through her phone mindlessly. She just gave a grunt and didn't say anything. 

Beez groaned.

"I zaid I'm bored." Beez whined again. 

"What do you want me to do about it?" Crowley was munching on some biscuits Aziraphale had made.

"Let'z go out and mesz with people." They buzzed numbly. 

"No." Crowley shut them down. 

"Why not? It'z our job, it'z what demons do." Bee snapped back.

"Your idea of messing with people is to cause mass food poisoning and I don't think I'll be able to stomach the messs." Crowley hissed rubbing her stomach, the morning sickness had subsided but certain smells still made her sick.

"Zo one perzon then, no food poisoning." Bee offered.

Crowley contemplated this. She was bored and messing with humans is fun, besides Aziraphale and Gabriel were off having fun so why couldn't they. 

"Alright then, but on one condition." Crowley struggled to get up with her belly sticking out. 

"Yez?" Bee got up as well, both of them headed to the door. Crowley left a note for Aziraphale and Gabriel in case they happened to return before they got home. 

"No innocents, the person has to deserve it. Oh and no killing either" Bee looked at Crowley they thought about it for a minute.

"Fair enough let'z go." They pushed open the door and it slammed into a man standing behind it. 

"Oof!" The man stumbled back grabbing his head. Bee and Crowley peaked around the door seeing the man Crowley thought he looked vaguely familiar. Before Crowley could ask him who he was they heard a car door open. 

"Nanny!!!!" 

Crowley heard a familiar voice as someone slammed into her hugging her tightly. She looked down, Warlock was clinging to her sobbing. 

"Hellspawn?" She hugged him back as she looked up at the man. She recognized him now.

"Bernard? What's wrong?" She asked, rubbing Warlock's back as he cried. 

"Can we go inside?" Bernard asked, holding his nose which was bleeding. "Can I get a ice pack as well?" 

Crowley led them into the shop, miracling Bernard's nose to stop bleeding so it wouldn't drip on the books. They sat down Warlock refusing to let go of Crowley, she squeezed him tighter as he dug his face into her shoulder.

"What'ss going on Bernard?" Crowley looked at the man who was holding an ice pack to his nose. Bernard looked at Warlock who shook his head not saying anything. He just burrowed deeper into Nanny. Beelzebub was just sitting in the corner of the room not saying anything but watching everyone.

Bernard put the ice pack down and began to explain what happened. Crowley grew angry at hearing what happened. 

"They said WHAT?!" She shouted, Warlock cowered a little bit. She relaxed and held his face in her hands, he looked at her with red rimmed eyes. 

"I'm so sorry Hellspawn, you didn't deserve that." She brushed his hair out of his face, brushing the bruise on his face and taking away the pain.

Bernard spoke again. "I wanted to know if you have a place for him to stay. If he'll be safe here?" He eyed her suspiciously taking in her condition and the other person. He could've sworn she and Brother Francis were a couple, they way they acted around each other. 

"If he wants to stay he is welcome here. We have plenty of space for him, and I know that Azi-Brother Francis would be delighted to have you here." She answered him, rage broiling under the surface. She wanted to rip Thaddeus Dowling apart. She wanted to teach him a well deserved lesson. 

Bernard handed over his contact information and made sure that Warlock wanted to stay with them before leaving. Warlock waved goodbye as Bernard left into the rainy afternoon. 

Crowley wanted to jump out the door and hunt down Thaddeus, she was about to when Warlock grabbed her hand and asked her to stay. She relented as she led him upstairs to where a spare room was waiting. He clung to her and as she passed she hissed at Beelzebub. 

"You wanted to mess with sssomeone?" 

Bee cracked a viscous smile. They got up and were about to leave. Crowley stopped them. 

"Leave him alive though." Beelzebub agreed and headed out to track down Thaddeus Dowling, it was time to have some fun.

Crowley led Warlock to their flat where he poked around while Nanny made some tea. Warlock watched her work staring at her as she moved about the kitchen. 

"Nanny?" He asked.

"Yes my little Hellspawn?" She came over and handed the tea to him along with a plate of biscuits. 

"Where's Brother Francis?" He remembers attending their wedding, although nobody believed him when he pointed out that Brother Francis looked nicer than he ever had. 

"He's out for the day but he'll be back, and I know he'll be overjoyed to see you." 

Warlock sipped on his tea. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" She offered. 

Warlock shook his head, the pain from the bruise had gone away but the sting of his parents words remains. He deflects to the bulge of Nanny's belly. 

"Are you going to be a mommy?" He said pointing at it. Crowley pauses before smiling.

"Yup." 

"Brother Francis is the daddy right?" He asked.

"Yup, although you should call him by his real name, Aziraphale." Crowley watched Warlock eat, part of her wanted to push him to reveal everything that happened but she wouldn't. She knew he wasn't going to budge if she did. He was quite stubborn after all. He'd reveal it in his own time, meanwhile she was plotting in her head how to especially make Thaddeus pay.

* * *

Beelzebub wasted no time in breaking into the Dowling residence. She stalked through the house ignored and unobserved by the staff. 

She found her way to Thaddeus Dowling, he reeked of wrath and gluttony. She loved it, such an intoxicating aroma. He was in his study shredding what looked to be pages of a journal. Grumbling to himself and spitting as he ripped the pages from the leather book. 

She gave a good long sniff, the tome reeked of angel and sentimental love. If she had to guess Crowley's angel had given the boy the book. He must have loved that book and now it was being shredded by an uncaring man. She stepped in the room using a demonic miracle to lock the door and seal it shut. She was going to have some fun with him and she wouldn't accept any interruptions. 

.

Beelzebub walked away from the Dowling residence, she clutched the repaired journal in her hands. A smile on her face as she heard Thaddeus cry out in relief as the demon who had shown him a glimpse of Hell left.

* * *

Aziraphale came home worn and singed, he dusted off his coat and walked into the flat. He was greeted by a melancholic Crowley. Warlock sat on the couch watching TV.

She pulled a small smile and gestured for him to talk with her in private. While Warlock sat on the couch watching Golden Girls, Crowley and Aziraphale discussed what had happened that day. Aziraphale came bounding out of the room and scooped Warlock into a tight hug promising that he was welcome to their home for as long as he wanted. They held each other tightly and Warlock relaxed into the unconditional love of these two beings who were more of his parents then his father or mother had ever been. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm helping to make my brothers wedding cake. It's fun.


	14. The missing book of Camelot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale and Gabriel are on a quest to recover a book from a dark spooky castle. Something about the castle is oddly familiar though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brother helped me write this chapter.

Aziraphale found that after his marriage to Crowley and the resulting pregnancy he has been sleeping a lot more than he ever did. 

Wherehe once fell asleep every decade or so he is now falling asleep every month. He finds he doesn't mind it too much especially when he has the love of his immortal life sleeping next to him. There is however something that he does mind, as much as he loves a snuggle from Crowley. Who doesn't hesitate to glomp on to him or to be touching some part of his body in some way, Crowley is rather clingy when asleep. She winds and twines her body onto his and doesn't let go. 

Aziraphale woke up after a brief sleep with Crowley's gripping him, her limbs tangled around his.

Aziraphale might be a strong angel but when Crowley is dead asleep with him in a vice like grip, he feels like he's a mere Virtue(angels of arts and craftwork). 

Aziraphale huffs as he tries to extract himself from the tangled mess that is Crowley. No matter what he does or how hard he moves her she doesn't wake up. In fact she mumbles in her sleep and grips him tighter, Crowley can't be woken up by anything he can think of. A knock sounds on the bedroom door, Gabriel's voice follows. 

"Aziraphale? Are you both decent? We're on a schedule here." 

"Enter." Aziraphale sighs as he continues his struggle maybe with the help of another angel they can work it out. 

Gabriel slowly swings open the door and cuts off a laugh at what he sees. Aziraphale just glares at him silently begging for help. 

"You look like you're a little caught up there." Gabriel snickers. 

"Yes well, you go ahead and try and wake her. I swear the world could be ending and she would stay asleep."

_ "At least it's not as bad as when she's in her snake form." _ Aziraphale thought to himself. 

"Why don't you just press the back of her ear?" Gabriel volunteered. 

"Press her what?" Aziraphale was very confused. 

Gabriel reached over and pressed the spot between the shell of her ear and her head.

Crowley's eyes shot open and she bolted up. 

"Ack!" She let out a squeak. She looked around and when her eyes landed on Gabriel she glared daggers at him. 

"Don't do that again! I hate it when you do thatsss."

She hissed rubbing her ear and looked to Aziraphale who looked shocked and deeply confused. 

"I take it you don't know." She asked him. 

He shook his head. 

"All angels have a pressure point somewhere on them, a way of snapping them awake or to attention. It'sss a good way to wake up a angel who is incapacitated." She told him.

"All angels have one? Are they all behind the ear?" Aziraphale started to rub his ears but felt nothing. 

"Naw, they're random to each angel, demons keep their points. Usually they're a part that isn't easy to reach. And it's a little rude to do that to another being." Crowley said with a writhing look at Gabriel. 

"Me and Aziraphale have to attend to this business and you were keeping him from getting up." With that Gabriel left the room and went into the living room. 

Crowley looked at Aziraphale who just put up his hands. 

"It wasn't my idea, I didn't even know that was a thing." He said innocently. 

She just laid back down and grumbled to herself. Aziraphale stood up and went to get ready. After he was done dressing he bent to give her a kiss, she dodged it but he managed to get her cheek. Crowley hummed but didn't say anything.

"I'll see you later dearest. Eat something healthy for breakfast and don't get upto too much trouble." Aziraphale went into the living room where Gabriel was drinking some coffee. 

"Aziraphale, ready to go?" He said smiling. 

"I suppose, although I don't think Crowley appreciated that." He straightened his coat and gestured for Gabriel to lead out the door. 

Gabriel just laughed at this. "Oh please that's tame compared to some of the jokes they pulled in Heaven." 

Aziraphale looked at him quizzically as they stepped out into the street. 

"Ready?" Gabriel asked, Aziraphale nodded. 

Placing a hand on his arm he snapped them to the Irish hillside so they could begin their journey properly.

Aziraphale breathed in the rich scent of the hills. He hadn't been here in quite a while, he wonders to himself if Crowley is still unable to step foot here. They walked a distance and found themselves at the foot of decrepit castle. 

Aziraphale could feel the power of the runes etched into the stone ancient but still put off a heavy aura of spookiness, It would take a few minutes just to break the ones on the entrance. He pulled out the book of runes he had "*borrowed" from Anathema and began to translate. Aziraphale was looking up the right page when he heard Gabriel shout as a wall of wind pushed him away from the door.

"I wouldn't try that again unless you're feeling particularly reckless." He said calmly, it seemed like that trait wasn't inherent to just Crowley. 

"Ah yes, that sounds like a good idea." Gabriel stood by while Aziraphale ran his hands over the runes.

Mumbling under his breath as he spoke the breaking words. There was a small output of power at each break. Finally after 45 minutes the entrance was opened and they walked through, the air inside changed. Aziraphale gave a small sniff, something about this magic felt familiar. They walked through the main chamber and both let out sharp gasps of air as the floor disappeared beneath them. 

They slid down an increasingly steep slope into a pool of water. Treading water for a couple of minutes, Aziraphale felt something brush his leg. Gabriel must have felt it too, because he let out a shout. They both looked down and realized that they were being surrounded by enormous eels, the smallest one was easily three meters long. Aziraphale looked at Gabriel who looked uncomfortable. 

The eels swam up and poked their heads out of the water. One looked Aziraphale dead in the eyes and nuzzled him, before beginning to screech at him. They didn't do anything else but scream at them, Gabriel following Aziraphale's lead began to swim towards the edge of the pool. They climbed out as they did so the eels disappeared back into the water. There was a door that led out of the room of eels, On the door was a riddle written in Arthurian English.

_ "It cannot be seen, cannot be felt. _

_ Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. _

_ It lies behind stars and under hills. _

_ And empty holes it fills. _

_ It comes first and follows after. _

_ Ends life, kills laughter."  _

Gabriel looked lost as Aziraphale tumbled the riddle around his head. He thought about it for a couple of minutes before it clicked. 

"Oh-oh it's dark!" As he spoke these words the door swung open to reveal a hall that seemed to have over done it on spookiness. There were cobwebs clinging to the walls and animal skeletons littering the floor. Aziraphale again felt a strong familiarity to all of this. They walked through the hall and found themselves at the entrance to a dungeon, an ancient puzzle board with a riddle and answer key written in the same language as before, roughly translated it read as follows. 

_ "This thing, all things devours. _

_ Birds, Beast, Trees, Flowers. _

_ Gnaws Iron, Bites steel. _

_ Grinds hard stones to meal. _

_ Slays King, ruins town. _

_ And beats high mountain down."  _

Gabriel pauses, scratching his chin. Aziraphale looks over the answer runes. 

"I got it! It's the nephilim!" Gabriel shouts he presses the stone marked nephilim before Aziraphale can stop him. They're met with a blast of fire that scorches their feet. Both leaping back in shock Aziraphale realizes that yes this magic is very familiar. Grumbling to himself he walks up and presses the right answer stone and the chamber door opens. 

There is a gaudy looking altar surrounded by gold and jewels, on the altar is a book bound in red leather. As Gabriel goes to step in Aziraphale holds him back slightly. 

"Don't touch anything but the book, I wouldn't doubt that he placed a jinx on everything else in the room." He's torn between being amused and irritated.

They walk up to the altar and with careful inspection Aziraphale lifts the book from its resting place. As he picks it up it releases a small pulse of power greeting him. It opens itself to a specific page where written in the demon's handwriting is a note. 

_ "Congratulations Angel, you solved the puzzles. _

_ Hope you like this book."  _

Aziraphale reads a few of the passages and lets out an amused snort. 

"Well what is it? Do we need to destroy it?" Gabriel asks, reaching to grab the book but Aziraphale pulls it back refusing to let go of it. He looks disdainfully at the Archangel, Gabriel cocks his eyebrows at him. 

"It's nothing more than a book of rude limericks and jokes. Placed here by a certain Serpent we all seem to know." Aziraphale holds it out for Gabriel to read a few of the passages.

Gabriel's eyes scan the page but he doesn't seem to get any of them. His face falls in irritation.

"This was all a set-up by Crowley? When did they have the time to do this?" Gabriel said, grumbling as they walked out of the castle.

"If I was to guess correctly and trust me I've known them for 6,000 years they probably set this up ages ago and forgot about it." Aziraphale clutched his new book to his chest. 

Gabriel laughed at this. "Figures, they often would forget pranks they pulled in Heaven. Let's go Aziraphale." 

The two took their previous spots and transported themselves back to London. Gabriel thanked Aziraphale for his help and waved off saying he had some property listings he needed to look at. Aziraphale went into his shop and walked up the stairs. He looked down at his shoes which still had soot on them, he was going to have strong words with Crowley about this nonsense. 

When he opened the door he was greeted by the sight of Warlock with a tear stained face and Crowley was calling him into the other room. He still clutched the book but his annoyance was forgotten as he followed her. 

Crowley told him about what happened with Warlock and his parents. Aziraphale put the book on the bed and went to embrace Warlock. Letting the child know that he was loved and welcomed here. It wasn't until Warlock was tucked into his own bed and they were climbing into theirs that he remembered. 

"Crowley dear?" Aziraphale asked as he picked up the book. 

"Yeah Angel?" She was already settled in bed, her hair braided up. 

"Care to tell me what this was about?" He held the book out to her. 

She took it and laughed. 

"I completely forgot about this! I set this up for you ages ago, but St.Patrick had banished me before I could finish the whole thing." She chuckled as she opened the book. 

"You mean there was going to be more traps?! I already burned one of my favorite pairs of shoes! All for a book with crass jokes?!" Aziraphale pouted. 

"Aw come on Angel, I don't think you'll be mad when you read this part." Crowley flipped to a certain page and held it out to him. 

Aziraphale gently took the book and read what had to be the dirtiest and raunchiest limerick in the book. At the end was a signature of Merlin himself. 

"You knew Merlin?" Aziraphale looked over the edge of the book as Crowley snuggled deeper into the blankets. 

"Yup. Lovely man and fantastic wizard. Wished he had bathed more though, stand too close to him and you'll swear that Hastur smells like a field of flowers." Crowley mumbled the last part of this yawning as she fell asleep. 

Aziraphale just propped himself up and giving a small kiss to her forehead began to read the book from the start. He'd be lying if he didn't have any fun today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes those are Hobbit riddles, my brothers idea. I actually haven't read the Hobbit or really seen it. So any questions should be deflected to him.
> 
> *Aziraphale will return it to her, once he's done copying the entire thing so he can have one.


	15. Fear of Crowley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jumping POVs to set up for the next arc. Don't worry won't get to agnsty but it'll be a bumpy ride.

**Many think that the Ineffable Plan is resolute, many see it as a steady river. No bends, no dams, nothing stopping it. They like to think that the future is predictable and set. They also like to think that I'm able to see eons into the future. That I know every move to be made, every decision, every action. These are only partially true, I do know everything.**

**But everything is a lot to know, the future is indeed like a river. It's powerful and gentle, it is persistent and steadfast. But it is not steady. It winds and bends, twisting off in smaller streams that feed into large pools of possibility. I can see the outcome of every coin flip and dice toss. Each one branching into its own stream and what frightens me is that so many of them have failed.**

**I fear what is to come because I won't be able to stop it, but they might be able to. So every now and then I throw a stone into the river, in hopes of diverting it into the stream that will lead to better places.**

* * *

Raguel felt it with every beat of his wings. Their *rainbow colors shimmering under the starlight, he felt it. He knew not its name only that it will be the end of everything. His wings carried him at a pace that could outstrip all current and future travel. He had to make it in time, if he doesn't there would be no chance at stopping it. Even  **She** won't be able to, perhaps that was the game this entire time. His eyes focused on the familiar galaxy, there for the grace of God is their hope.

* * *

Azrael is tired, he's been tired for five thousand nine hundred and ninety nine years. Everyday he's been working non stop with no sleep and a seriously out of control caffeine addiction. What did you expect when everything keeps reproducing! The Apocalypse was supposed to be the end of it all, he'd finally get that vacation he'd been pushing for. 

But no, the freaking humans had to screw it all up, them and that idiot demon and angel. He sits in his cushy lazyboy recliner eager for just a minute's rest, when his phone starts going off. Great, now there's a pandemic outbreak. He groans as he sits up, and wishes for it all to stop. As he heads out he doesn't feel the shift as the universe slows down for a fraction of millisecond. 

* * *

Gabriel and Beelzebub walked into the realtor's office. It was a modest office done in earthy browns and false whites. It smelled of fabreezed flowers and made Beelzebub's nose itch. A leggy blonde was sitting at a chrome desk speaking into an earpiece. She smiled her brightest customer service smile as they waited to be called. The woman ended her call and waved them forward, Gabriel flashed a smile as they sat. 

"Hello, I'm Brenda Comtance what can I do for you today?" Her voice high, bright and overly polite like all public service workers had. 

"Hello Brenda, my partner and I are looking for a?" He turned to Bee.

"A houze, we're looking for a houze for our family." Bee buzzed staring at the woman's bright teeth wondering if they would **zap her if she touched them. 

"Wonderful! I can most certainly help you with that. Are there any specific things you're looking for?" Brenda asked as she pulled up her browser, She was wondering what their price range is. The man was wearing a lilac suit that looked more expensive than the desktop she was working on. His partner was wearing an odd combination of a battlefield uniform. Complete with a red sash and officer's jacket. She's seen a similar outfit on a museum mannequin, maybe they're cosplaying or reenactors. 

"Well I guess it needs to have a bathroom and kitchen." Gabriel said smiling, "Oh and a bedroom would be nice as well." He winced Beelzebub elbowed him. 

Brenda looked at him wondering if somebody was pulling a joke on her. Was she on Candid Camera or something? 

"It needz to have enough space for uz and two babiez." She rubbed the bulge of her belly as she said this. 

_ "That narrows it down."  _ Brenda thought to herself, she didn't get much more than that from them but their price range was seemingly unlimited. She pulled up a shortened list(it was the length of a children's chapter book) for them to go over. 

"You have my number if you need anything, I looked forward to seeing you soon." 

She waved as they left and sat down letting out a sigh. She looked up at the clock, it hadn't even been an hour. She could have sworn it was longer than that, she took a swig of her still hot coffee and got back to work. 

* * *

"Look, this one has five bathrooms! That's enough bathrooms for two kids right?" Gabriel placed a sheet of paper that had a small mansion listed in front of Bee who was shoveling biscuits in her mouth. She nodded happily.

Aziraphale smiled bemused as he laid out a tray of sandwiches and tea for everyone to munch on. Warlock had taken it in stride when Crowley and Aziraphale revealed their true identities. He still called Crowley, Nanny but she didn't care at all. Nanny was off doing some "demon business" as she called it so Warlock got to spend the day in Aziraphale's bookshop. 

He got to meet the couple living across the hall, who had to be some of the weirdest people he's ever met. He swears the petite one buzzes as they talk, and the tall one looks like he belongs on a tux shop billboard. Both of them act like aliens*** in human bodies. With the petite one consuming large amounts of food that no one should be able to keep down.

He tunes out as they start talking about adult stuff, choosing to return to reading his book. Taking care not to drop a single crumb on the pages or Aziraphale would have his head.

* * *

Crowley lurks at the edge of the garden of the ambassadors home. Beelzebub might have put the fear of Hell into the bastard but now it's time to put the fear of Crowley into him. She stalks forward, being sure to drag her heels, tearing up the overly artificial lawn. She miracles open the door and stalks through the house. 

Nobody stops her as she passes through the house all who come across her having a sudden need to be elsewhere. Whether it be a bathroom emergency or the stove was left on and three people needed to check it. When Crowley reaches the room she's looking for she hears him, laughing and chattering away on the phone.

When she kicks open the door, Thaddeus Dowling shrieks and jumps as it slams against the wall. Cracking the marble and splintering the door. 

"Thaddeus Dowling." She snarls venom in her every word. 

His face flashes in recognition, but there's no way it's her.

"Nanny Asoterath?" He stares at the heavily pregnant woman, he swallows nervously as she comes forward. She's more terrifying than the person last week, he tries to run for it but remains frozen to his chair. 

Crowley grabs him by his lapels and slams him into the wall. Her fangs have descended and venom is dripping from her mouth.

"You've hurt my boy and I don't like people hurting him." She spits out at him. 

Thaddeus's face changes from one of confusion to irritation. 

"He's not yours." He spits back.

"Well he's not yours either. A true parent doesn't toss their child out just because they don't like an aspect of who they are. You brag about being a family unit but you toss out your only kid and cheat on your wife!" As she speaks his face grows paler. 

"Oh yes I know all about your daliances with whatever women give you the time of day. I can smell the sin on you, and let me tell you something. You're basted in it like a plucked and stuffed chicken." Her snake tongue flicks out at him. 

"What do you want?" He says, his voice trembling.

She pulls him closer so he won't miss a word. 

"I don't ever want to hear about you raising your hand to a child again or your wife, if you do I'll know. I want you to be a good little boy and leave my boy alone." Crowley tosses Thaddeus down and punches him in the nose breaking it and giving him two black eyes. She waves a hand performing a small miracle on him.

She storms out already making sure everyone else thinks that he tripped and fell. As she leaves, she hears footsteps behind her. She turns to see a nervous Mrs.Dowling. 

Mrs.Dowling looks at her chewing her lip. 

Crowley glares giving her a chance to speak.

"Is he safe?" The words come in a small worried tremble. 

Crowley takes in this woman, she was never the most attentive mother. She loved her child but she was too busy to take much of an interest in him. Crowley nods before leaving the scene heading home… But not before she deflates the tires of all the cars at the house. 

Crowley left Thaddeus with a broken nose and a burning gift that'll show up every time he touches himself. Whether or not it's when he's using the bathroom or anything else. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Taking a little inspiration from GayDemonicDisater in that Raguel's wings are rainbow, you should check out their fic Protection, it's awesome and has BAMF Aziraphale which is delightfull
> 
> **They're a fly after all
> 
> ***He's not completely wrong.


	16. The Rainbow Falls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip to the South Downs goes south.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone 👋! I hope you're all staying safe and staying inside were all possible.  
> Had to come back and make some changes after I realized that I repeated some plot lines and some of them don't make much sense.

Michael inspected the onesies with a careful eye. She held up a pure white one that said "Mummie's little angel." She paused to consider it but then put it back. She didn't think Crowley would like it, too white. As she combed over the others she felt a strange presence. She looked up and saw someone with russet red hair looking at baby toys. Poking and growling at them, sharp looking teeth poked out of their mouth. She smiled a little to herself and went up. 

"Dagon." She said with a soft but commanding voice. 

The demon jumped and turned on her bearing her fangs but her face dropped into one of annoyance when she saw who it was. 

"Michael." Dagon's thick Scottish accent bled into her name. Michael liked the way it sounded. 

"Fancy running into you here." Michael said pretending to look at the toys, none of these made much sense to her. Why was this book so puffy? What are these gelled rings for? 

"Yes, fancy that. Why are you here? Following me?" Dagon demanded a hint of a playful tone in her voice. 

"No, I am here buying a baby thing for a-" she paused. "A friend of mine." She finished. 

Dagon looked a little puzzled but nodded.

"Same here but I don't know what to buy." 

She admitted bearing her teeth at the brightly colored toys. It wasn't as if babies were a thing in Hell, regardless of what certain faith groups think there are no babies in Hell. Even Hell isn't that cruel, and the small smattering of children there are all sociopathic little monsters. Who would have definitely made Hell proud if they had grown up. They took turns sneaking a glance but not looking at each other until a employee came over. The young being wore a name tag that read.

"My name is Andi, let me help you prepare for your baby." 

The employee smiled at them.

"Is there anything I can do to help you two prepare for your little miracle?" They spoke in a stiff manner as if they were reading off a script. 

"We're looking to procure items designed for a small being for our friends who are carrying the small beings." Michael said brightly. Dagon just flashed a wicked smile that made Andi step back a bit. Andi swallowed and turned to the shelf.

"I-is there anything in particular y-you're looking for?" Andi gulped out. 

Michael and Dagon looked at each other.

"We are not sure. We're not familiar with small beings. But our friends are important to us, so we have come to seek the advice of a wise being such as yourself." Michael beemed at Andi, Andi let out a little shudder before turning to the clothing behind them. 

"Well, I would suggest onesies. Babies are messy and your friends will love you if you can supply them with a good number of onesies. I'd also recommend getting the slip-on ones or the zipper ones as snaps are annoying to have to deal with." Andi showed them the cute onesies that any parent would be grateful to have.

Michael and Dagon looked at each other and nodded. 

"I accept your advice, these are what we shall buy." Michael grabbed one that had Dinosaurs on it, Crowley would get a laugh out of that.

"Are we only limited to one?" Dagon said in her thick accent.

Andi just gave a mystified smile. "Why would you only be limited to one?" 

"They're called onesies, implying that it is only one." Dagon thought herself brilliant at this deduction. 

Andi just blinked and pointedly said no they could take as many as they wanted. They would semi regret this as the dirty blonde proceeded to take one of every onesie there and the redhead came to the register with only two, but they could have sworn that she *grabbed more. 

The bill racked up into triple digits as they stuffed the onesies into overflowing bags. The two women left the store with smiles on their faces and Andi swore that they just experienced an alien encounter. 

"So Michael what are you doing after this?" Dagon looked at her, roving her eyes over the tightly put together women shaped being. 

Michael thought about it, her day was free. 

"Nothing, paperwork is done and I have some free time." She snapped her fingers miracling the bags to her office, she'll wrap them up later. 

"What would you say to some sushi?" Dagon smiled at her. 

"What's sushi?" Michael had pizza before, it was really good. 

"Let me tempt you?" Dagon asked, with that they headed to find a nice sushi place.

* * *

Crowley stood on the roof of the bookshop, she couldn't recall why she was up there though. She checked her greenhouse but all the plants were already taken care of so why the hell is she here? Lately her brain has been blipping out on her, apparently it's something called pregnancy brain and it's something that occurs in the last stages of pregnancy. Crowley stared up at the bright blue sky, it was perfect weather for flying. She thought to herself, a smile pulled at her lips. She quickly waddles down the steps and into their flat. 

"ANGEL!" Crowley gives a shout for once causing Aziraphale to jump as she came up behind him while he was reading. 

"Crowley!" He let out a shocked squeak it had been about 500 years since she had managed to actually startle him. He could pick her out from across the city he was secretly impressed. 

"What is it dearest? Did the baby move again? Did you find what was making that noise?" He came up to her and gave her a kiss while putting his hand on her belly. The other day she had felt the baby actually move for the first time. Before it had just been pulses of energy but as the sixth month was drawing to a close the fetus was growing enough to test the boundaries of it's living space. 

"Naw, but listen, I was thinking why don't we go for a picnic?" Crowley gabbers away antsy with stored up energy. 

"That sounds lovely. We can go to St.James and-".

"I want to go flying!" Crowley interjects. 

"Flying? Well it's been awhile, where would we go?" Aziraphale asked. 

"How about the South Downs?" 

"That's almost a two hour drive!" Aziraphale huffed.

" If I'm driving, one hour and fifteen minutes max!" Crowley challenged. 

"One hour twenty minutes max or we're not going." Aziraphale pouted they had Warlock and the baby to think about after all.

Crowley growled but gave in and in about fifteen minutes they were headed out the door with Warlock in tow. Gabriel and Beelzebub were out touring potential homes. They climbed into The Bentley and set off.

Fourty-five minutes later and they were still in London. Stuck in traffic that even for London was impossibly slow.

They all were stuck listening to Queen's **"Don't stop me now."** On repeat.

"Hey Nanny?" Warlock piped up looking up from his game. 

"Yeah Hellspawn?" She said tensely, gripping the steering wheel as the Bentley restarted the same song. _*Cheeky thing, keep this up and you'll have no wax for a week.*_

"We're learning about the Renaissance in School and they were showing pictures of Leonardo DaVinci." 

Warlock hadn't taken to long to accept that Nanny and Brother Francis were actually an Angel and Demon. It certainly explained a lot of things, like the fact that the garden was growing year round despite Brother Francis being horrible at his job. Or that he had fallen out of a tree and most certainly broken his wrist but then Nanny came over and it was perfectly fine. 

"Anyways he had a lot of drawings of you. I was wondering." Crowley tensed a little tighter.

"I was wondering if you and him were banging each other?" 

This caused three things to happen, Aziraphale squawked about language, Crowley let out a grunt and the car behind blared their horn for them to move. 

Crowley sped up and soon they were thankfully on their way to the South Downs. Crowley grumbled to herself before answering. 

"No, I wasn't. We were friends and just friends. Where did you even get that idea?" She asked, still jittering.

"Teacher speculates that he was in love with you because you show up so much in his artworks and because he was bisexual." 

Warlock says as a matter of fact. 

"Bloody schools, first ingnoring the LGBTQ people then over assuming." Crowley murmured under her breath. 

"I knew him for a very large portion of his life, and he was probably one of my greatest friends. But our relationship was completely agape." Crowley replies. 

"Agape?" Warlock looks questioningly at them.

"It means friendly love or platonic love. Caring for someone who isn't related to you and who you don't want to marry." Aziraphale provided.

He patted Crowley's thigh as Warlock turned back to his game. Almost two and half hours later they finally arrived at the spot they picked out.

It was a field of grass and wildflowers, a cliff overlooking the sea. The air was fresh and clean, they set up the picnic basket and enjoyed a feast of sandwiches and cake. With a bag of crisps and chocolate sauce for Crowley. As the sun began to dip towards the horizon Aziraphale and Crowley decided to stretch their wings. 

Warlock watched in awe as their gold and silver wings caught the sun, neither ever looked more otherworldly. They both walked to the edge of the cliff and dove off it, swooping down to soar back up and dance through the sky. Warlock watched envious until Aziraphale approached him and held out his hand. Warlock halted for a moment before accepting, soon he was flying through the air with them. He felt jubilant, it was a wondrous moment, he heard Nanny laughing as they spun and gently caught the breeze. 

Laughter turned to a shout as she spotted something falling through the atmosphere. She pointed it out to Aziraphale and he focused his sight on the object, his other eyes began to pop out and suddenly he let out a gasp. Turning to his beloved he got her attention.

"It's a angel!" He said desperately.

"What do we do?" She asked.

"Take Warlock, I'll try to catch him." He handed the boy to her and sped up his flight. 

He watched carefully and calculated the trajectory of the angel. With the skill of a warrior at his best he matched the speed of plummeting angel. Grabbing the being he started to dive towards the land. Spinning and listing to slow the approach they tumbled into the grass. Crowley and Warlock ran up to them, Crowley caught sight of the rainbow wings letting out a surprised gasp.

"Raguel?!" Her voice trembled as the angel opened his kaleidoscope eyes. 

"Scuse me, but are any of you Crowley or Aziraphale?" A delivery man in a light brown uniform walked up to them. A dark wooden chest in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are ramping up and slowing down. Kudos and Comments are enjoyed and Constructive criticism is welcome.
> 
> *Michael made sure to pay enough money for the things Dagon stole.


	17. You were warned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is converging into one place. A curious Crowley is a dangerous thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! How is Quarantine going for you? I hope you're stay safe and home.

Leslie stood there in his brown uniform, proudly looking at two beings who looked vaguely familiar and the other two with them.

"I've got a package here for a Crowley and Aziraphale." 

Crowley looked to Aziraphale, her brother and the delivery man before going up to sign for it.

"Nice view isn't it? Thought about coming here with Maude for holiday." Leslie happily chatted away as Crowley signed for the small box and took it from him. 

"Have a good day." He said handing over the box and departing off to deliver the rest of the contents of his truck. 

Crowley walked back over to the congregated group. She pulled a card from the top of the box and read it out loud. 

_"To thee of silver and gold, if you readeth these words then my descendant of Device hath burned away my warnings. Take heed for these precious few are the key to progression. Agnes Nutter."_

She flipped open the box and in it was a short card of prophecies. She looked up at Aziraphale who was holding an unconscious Raguel. She read the first one out loud.

**"When that the rainbow to Earthe does falle**

**and that foes stille do stand**

**That alone which is new**

**Awaken them it can."**

"What do we do?" Aziraphale asked, shifting the weight of the angel in his arms. 

"I think we need to contact everyone, but we need somewhere to go" She responded.

"Isn't there a cottage around here somewhere? The one that both sides use?" Aziraphale offered.

Crowley nodded in agreement and they headed off to the cottage, with Crowley looking up the contact info for everyone.

* * *

Beelzebub walked through the home, it was a gothic little stone castlette complete with a witch's tower and widow's walk. They could feel the history here, bloody battles, deposed kings, traitors being dealt with. It was all so thrilling, they could envision their life here. They walked back to the kitchen where Gabriel was talking to Brenda. Gabriel beamed when he caught sight of his demon, he hoped they would like this home. It had everything they wanted including bathrooms and a kitchen.

"What do you think Bee?" He said as they walked over to him. 

"I think it'z perfect." They said coming over to stare at Brenda. 

Brenda smiled brightly. "Excellent, well I'll get the paperwork started and there is of course the fee." She smiled at the couple, they certainly were the strangest she had ever worked with. And she's pretty sure that they're not entirely human. But their bank account cleared and she couldn't complain.

They signed the paperwork, dotted the Is and crossed the Ts and handed her a check for the place. She handed over the keys and waved at them as she left pondering what to do with the $70k commission she's getting.  _ *Bahamas here I come.*  _ She bopped along to the music playing on her radio not minding the slower than usual traffic. 

Gabriel wrapped his arms around Beezelbub placing gentle hands on their belly to feel the babies. He bent down and kissed their soft sweet lips. Bee possessively grasped his lapels growling as they did. Gabriel smirked and picked them up, sitting them on the wooden countertop. They both started to pull at each other's clothes and increased the heat of their kisses. 

They were interrupted when Gabriel's phone rang. Beelzebub buzzed angrily as he pulled the clear rectangle from his pocket to see who it was. They tried to get attention back on them but Gabriel pulled away.

"Hang up, or better yetz send it to another demenzion." Bee buzzed into Gabriel's ear.

"I have to take it, it's Crowley and Aziraphale." He said, stepping away. 

Bee pouted and started contemplating ways to annoy Crowley as he answered.

"Greetings to you Crowley. What's going on? WHAT?! You've found who? But-but nobody has seen him since the war! Yes, of course on our way." He hung up the phone and grabbed Beelzebub. 

"We need to go meet with them. They said it's extremely important." He said, Bee looked at him, a question on their lips.

"They found Raguel." He said as he snapped them to the cottage.

* * *

Lucifer sat in Chloe's car as they were on their way to the airport. He had woken up to a text message saying it was of utmost importance that he fly back to England as soon as possible. The message had a long forgotten aura to it that was impossible to ignore. As Chloe pulled up to LAX Lucifer grabbed his suitcase and went to get out of the car.

"Thank you Detective, I don't know how long I'll be gone but I appreciate the ride." He said opening the door and stepping out. 

"It wasn't a problem, hope everything is ok with your family." She said as he stepped onto the curb. 

He let out a short laugh and shook his head. 

"Nothing is ever easy with them. But I can't say no when it comes to Raphael, I owe them way too much." He waved goodbye and she pulled out to try and get out of the driveway. 

As he walked inside he saw that everything was delayed and felt grateful that he had his own plane. The jet took off and he indulged in some of his best whiskey he thought about the Detective. She was something else, he couldn't keep his mind off her. He found his thoughts fell to her more than Eve or Adam's mother. He muzzled over what this meant for him as the plane took off towards the horizon.

* * *

Crowley opened the door to the cottage as Aziraphale carried in Raguel. Warlock followed behind them. 

"Put him in the living room Angel!" She hollered, pointing towards the sofa checking to see if everyone had gotten her messages. Suddenly they heard a yelp and a clatter. Michael popped her head out from the bedroom, her hair was down and three of her jacket's buttons undone.

"What's going on?" She said she spotted them.

"Good you're here, we need to-" Crowley started but was cut off by the arrival of Gabriel, Beelzebub, Uriel and Remiel. 

"Alright everyone here?" Crowley called out as Aziraphale placed Raguel on the sofa. Remiel ran to him and placed her forehead against his, taking his hand and whispering ancient words into his ear.

"What's going on Crowley? Aziraphale?" Michael asked, as Dagon tried to slip out without being noticed. She stopped when she was caught by Beelzebub who raised an eyebrow at her. 

She flinched a little and just decided to stand behind Michael. 

"We're trying to figure that out." Crowley tried to kneel down next to the sofa but struggled to get her belly to corporate. Finally she just gave up and snagged a chair handing the box of prophecies to Aziraphale.

She set to work healing Raguel's injuries, a look of fierce concentration on her face. Her golden eyes burned with focus. A few minutes tick by and Crowley sits back in her chair exhausted, all eyes are on her.

"He's healing but he needs rest. Go on angel." She said waving at him.

Aziraphale plucked out the single card in the wooden chest and began to read it aloud.

_"Heed these writ words beings of heaven and hell. Ignoring them will lead to a fate most wearisome._ _"_

"It seems as though Agnes wasn't done with her predictions." Aziraphale said. "And I mostly certainly want a word with Anathema about this burning of her words."

**"In the cottage which stands on middle ground.**

**Shine not the light of black or be horrified by what you have found."**

"Light of black? Whatever does that mean?" Aziraphale pondered out loud. 

Crowley's ear twitches.

_ * _ _ Light of black? Does she mean blacklights?* _

She thinks to herself, she looks at the ceiling where the chandelier is. She's very curious now she raises her hand and snaps all the lights to blacklight. Everyone looks up and lets out a horrified gasp. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writers block struck me with this chapter, and though I was stuck in strict quarantine for 8 days I couldn't speak to my brother to help me brainstorming it so yeah. Sadly I haven't actually seen the Lucifer show so any other characters from the show will be only briefly mentioned. This is taking place between seasons 1 and 2 and since I don't know when Chloe realized that Lucifer is indeed Lucifer I'm not going to even skate in that area.
> 
> Thanks to ReculsiveDork (brother) for beta reading this and big thanks to semperfiona for helping me make the prophecies sound properly old and accurate.


	18. Meet the family.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang escapes the cottage and makes their way to Heaven where a old face awaits them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never challenge Crowley's curiosity unless you are willing to deal with the consequences.

They all stared at the room around them, it lit up in the worst ways possible. 

"Does no one who uses this place clean up afterwards?" Crowley asked, grateful that Warlock had gone outside. 

"Apparently not." Aziraphale said in a shocked squeak, trying to touch as little as possible. 

The others were shifting about on their feet. 

"All for finding some other place to do this, raise your hand." Crowley hissed.

Eight hands sailed into the air. Crowley nodded and motioned for Aziraphale to pick up Raguel. 

"Right then let's leave this little cottage of horrors and never speak of it again." 

They all ran out of there as quickly as they could. Catching up to Warlock in the yard Crowley and Aziraphale paused. 

They waived the others to head out to heaven ahead of them. Warlock looked at them with unspoken questions on his lips. Before he could get any out though Crowley stopped him.

"Listen, Hellspawn. I know you're wondering what's going with all this angel stuff and I swear that me and Aziraphale will tell you when we figure it out for ourselves. For now I'm going to send you to Anathema's and I want you to stay there until we get back." Crowley said, looking into their boy's eyes.

Warlock bit his lip but nodded in acceptance. 

With a quick snap of her fingers Crowley snapped him and a bag of his belongings to the living room of Jasmine Cottage. Interrupting a good snog between her and Newt, who jumped back in alarm and fell over the arm of the couch.

* * *

They rushed into the lobby and where headed to the UP escalator, Aziraphale and Remiel barreled on past and up. Crowley and the others came to a halt when they saw someone standing by DOWN escalator. 

He was wearing a three piece suit so black it was absorbing the light around it. His black hair and dark eyes stared at them in shock. Lucifer was here. Crowley and the other Archangels along with Dagon and Beelzebub reflected the Hellish King's own shock. Lucifer opened his mouth to speak when he was slammed into by a seething Beelzebub. 

"Over a year! Over a year you've been gonez." The petite Prince was walloping the startled Lord of Darkness, King of despair. 

Every punch and kick landed Lucifer seemed too surprised to fight back. The others just watched the fight happen. 

"You've left me in charge of everything! Do you have any idea how high my ztress levelz are?!" Beelzebub punctured every word with a punch. 

Finally Crowley put a stop to it. She surged forward and grabbed the demonic Prince by the scruff of her neck. Dodging a kick she carried them back to Gabriel and set them down. 

"Not that he doesn't deserve it but we have bigger issues-s to deal with, you can kick his ass-s later." Crowley hissed at them. 

Beelzebub looked like they were planning murder but relented. Crowley turned back to Lucifer and stared him down. 

"What do you want Lucy?" Crowley hissed at him as he stumbled up. 

"I got an urgent text saying that I need to come back. I don't know much beyond that." Lucifer wiped his mouth and stopped his bleeding nose. He pressed his eye and winced at the pain. 

The seven of them weren't sure what to say when they heard a breathless Aziraphale behind them. 

"What on Earth are you all still doing down here? We need you upstairs." He said, giving them an annoyed huff as if they were loitering in his bookshop. 

Crowley and the angels turned towards the up escalator as Lucifer and his Princes hesitated. Crowley glanced over her shoulder. 

"Well aren't you coming?" She said with a raised eyebrow, Michael and Uriel were already on their way up. 

Beelzebub walked forward taking Gabriel's hand, Lucifer pondered before following. 

"I'll just go downstairs and tell them you're back sir." Dagon said, almost running over to the DOWN escalator and disappearing into it. 

Lucifer swallowed and stepped onto the moving staircase behind Crowley. He leaned forward and whispered into her ear. 

"Are you pregnant?" He stared at her protruding abdomen. What had he missed while he had been gone?

* * *

After peeling Newt off the floor Anathema took Warlock into the kitchen. Warlock explained what he knew to be going on and when he mentioned something about a box of prophecies Anathema turned green. 

_ *Turns out Agnes foresaw her second book being burnt and planned ahead.*  _ She thought to herself. She gave a small hysterical laugh and plomped down in her seat.

* * *

Aziraphale was sitting at a table in a conference room, reading the small card of prophecies and writing them down. He didn't even blink when the doors opened and the others came in. 

Crowley sat down next to him and placed her head on his shoulder. She might be much stronger than any of the others save him, but even she has her limits. She held a cup of *nectar in her hands and sipped from it. 

"How's Raguel?" He said, giving her a kiss. 

"He hasn't woken up yet but he's recovering. Remiel is with him now. To be honest I'm not sure when he'll wake up, he must have gone through quite the journey. What's going on with the prophecies?" She said jestering to the box on the table. 

Aziraphale looked up to see everyone staring at them.

"Ah, yes well there's only three." He read them out one by one.

**"'In the cottage which stands on middle ground. Shine** **not the light of black or be horrified by what you have found.'** That one is obvious of course." 

They all glared at Crowley who just shrugged 

"Then there's **"The Father of Darkness returns from his flight. He** **will be caught off guard by his next fight."** Which I assume refers to why Lucifer is covered in bruises."

They all nodded. 

"Then there's this one which I believe pertains to what's happening now. 

**"When that the rainbow to Earthe does falle**

**and that foes stille do stand**

**That alone which is new**

**Awaken them it can"**

"Now I believe I'm quite right in that the rainbow in question is Raguel. The line 'That Foes stille do stand" is puzzling. I'm not sure if it means a war or what. Are you guys still planning a war?" Aziraphale asked, looking at the Archangels quizzically.

They just shrugged.

"We're at a ceasefire for right now and I don't know of any plans to end it." Gabriel said looking at Michael. She shook her head. 

"There's nothing scheduled at the moment, what about on your side?" She directed her question to Beelzebub who shook their head. 

"Nothing planned on our zide." They responded.

"Hey!" Lucifer exclaimed. 

Six pairs of eyes stared at him, he backed down a little. 

"No." He said sheepishly. "There's nothing planned." 

"So it might refer to the ceasefire or it might not. As too "That which is new can awaken them I'm not sure if it means Raguel or something more. I'll have to do more studying on it. Perhaps consult with Anathema. It shouldn't take too long to figure out." Aziraphale waved his hands as he spoke and seemed to be speaking to Crowley rather than everyone else. 

Crowley leaned in, "I'll text Book Girl let her know we'll be staying for a while." 

Aziraphale beams at her. 

"So Lucy, What brings you home after you disappeared without a single note or phone call?" Crowley sipped from her cup as she talked. 

Lucifer was about to speak when Remiel ran in.

"He's awake." She said and ran back out and everyone stood still for a moment before getting up to follow her. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are probably five chapters left in this story. I can't see much more, but don't worry I know you'll enjoy it. 
> 
> *Nector and Ambrosia are said to be the food of the gods.


	19. Where were you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raguel is awake, Adam is having some freaky dreams and and Hastur has to clean up the Boss's office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry I didn't post sooner, but I do hope you enjoy this chapter. We're coming towards the end of this ark and I'm planning on where the story goes from here. I might end it at 25 chapters. We'll see. Stick around because nobody is going anywhere.😉  
> Warlock and Adam haven't had a chance to meet yet.

As the morning sun dawned and rose in the air stretching towards noon Warlock was in the yard of Jasmine cottage chastising some daises for looking rather limp.

Adam wandered up the path to the cottage, Dog padded by his side. He was lost in thought when he accidentally walked into the other boy.

"Oww" Warlock said as Adam stepped onto his toes, he tripped over and fell on his butt.

"I'm sorry!" Adam reached down and helped him stand up. 

Warm brown eyes met hazel, the boys looked at each other and then looked at their toes blushing slightly. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bump into you. I should have been paying attention. I'm Adam." 

Adam stuck out his hand, the other boy swallowed and shook it. 

"Warlock, why are you here?" He asked, a curious eyebrow raised invocative of Crowley herself. 

Adam immediately recognized his name, Crowley and Aziraphale had mentioned him a few times.

"I need to see Anathema about something." Adam turned and walked towards the door.

"Oh, ok then." Warlock shrugged and walked with him into the kitchen.

Newt was making some stew from an old recipe book given to him as an engagement present. 

"Warlock, just in time for lunch. Oh, Hello Adam." Newt said stirring the pot and adding spice to taste. 

"Hello, Newt. It smells really good. Is Anathema home?" Adam and Warlock sat down at the table. Newt ladelled the steaming stew into a couple of bowls and put some bread down.

"She ran to the store, she should be back in half an hour or so." Newt sat down next to the boys and started on lunch himself. 

Anathema came back to find all three of them playing pirates and smiled at the image of Newt laughing and chasing the kids. He looked like he was having as much fun as they were.

Newt noticed her and beamed his awkward smile at her, in his distraction he was overtaken by the boys and tackled to the ground. Newt meekly protests and the boys get up to help bring in the groceries Anathema purchased. 

After everything is put away and lunch is finished Adam decides that now is the time to talk to Anathema about what's bothering him. 

She sits him down in the living room.

"Alright Adam, what's wrong?" She says fully prepared to listen to him. 

Adam takes a breath, Anathema and Newt are good at listening to kids and taking them seriously when needed. 

"I've been having weird dreams. Dreams of something that I can't understand." He begins. 

Anathema nods and encourages him to continue. 

* * *

Hastur grumbles his way down to the 9th level, Dagon sent out orders for the Boss's office to be cleaned up and specifically ordered for him to do it alone. 

Stepping into the freezing terrain he juggled his supplies as he tried to carefully cross the icy sea of traitors. It was slow going as he tried to walk around the frozen figures of Benedict Arnold, Vidkun Quisling, Mir Jafar and Gaius Cassius Longinus. He didn't notice that the men had stopped making any signs of movement or awareness of their situation. They were truly frozen in place, as he stepped into Lucifer's office he felt a burning cold wash over him and he froze just inside the door.

* * *

The souls of purgatory have accepted their fates, they are trapped in-between the afterlives. Those who weren't good enough or evil enough to get into Heaven or Hell, it's not too bad. The temperature is just right and they're not being tortured by demons and the like. The longer you are there the more you lose until everything is forgotten and you are but a wisp in an ever expanding number endlessly shuffling as more souls pour into the room. It's starting to border on overflowing and things are getting much more uncomfortable. They would speak up but they've forgotten how to speak.

* * *

Raguel opened his kaleidoscope eyes to meet his sister's crystal ones. She smiled at him and tears of joy poured down her face. 

"Where have you been brother?" She asked, her voice wavering. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Infamous Traitors.  
> https://listverse.com/2012/06/19/10-notable-traitors-in-history/  
> .  
> .  
> Blame my beta-reader for this cliff-hanger. Mwahaha, I've already written on the next chapter so hopefully it won't be so long again before we find out what the threat is and just where Raguel has been.
> 
> I just love shitting on Hastur.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time is slowing down and only one person can fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to be honest this is not going to be my favorite chapter. I struggled with ending this particular arch for months! It's as best as I can get it without going nuts over it. I wasn't having fun with it anymore and I badly needed to wrap this arch up because I have great ideas for the last five chapters. If this isn't your favorite chapter that's perfectly fine. If you enjoyed it that's good to, this will be the end of most of the agnst. Happier times ahead that hopefully don't drive me crazy.

The scientists and technicians at the *Copernicus Institute stared at their screens in confusion. According to the readings the Earth was beginning to slow down. Rapidly.

"Impossible! There has to be some error from the satellite, there's no way this could be right!" 

Sergeant Tablè said, scratching his beard. 

"I've contacted NASA* and according to their readings the satellite is working as it should be." 

Major Tein responded.

"But this shouldn't be happening for hundreds of thousands of years!" Major Cuhboard said, pulling at her dog tags in a fidgety manner. 

Major Sawspen put a calming hand on her friend's shoulder. 

"Take some deep breaths, this has to be a miscalculation. It happens, we'll just go over the numbers again." She said calmingly. 

The group got to work trying to puzzle out why the angular momentum was showing signs of halting, hundreds of thousands of years ahead of schedule.

* * *

Remiel reappeared with the rest of the Archangels in tow along with a demon, the devil and lesser angel.

Raguel looked up at his siblings and smiled when he saw Raphael, he began to speak to her. He shifted in his bed to get a better view.

_ "Raphael! You are here! I have so much to tell you. To tell you all, you must listen closely."  _ He spoke, sitting up to be heard better, he also looked at the angel by her side holding her hand.

The lesser angel's face screwed up in confusion. 

"I'm sorry, not to be rude but what did you say?" His posh voice sounded through the room. The others stared at him. Not understanding what he was talking about, the smallest of the group spoke up.

"We can'tz understand him, he'z speaking a language we don't know." They buzzed, the others looked at each other. 

Crowley broke the quiet.

"We forgot about the language of the old ones." She said, a bit of realization in her voice, the other Archangels nodded in agreement.

Crowley spoke to them.

"When the first angels were made, the first being the Seraphim or as a mistranslation calls us. The Archangels, Mother spoke a different language. She gifted each pair with a set of words from this language. We've known this language since we popped into existence, it's been so long we forget that not everyone knows it." She shrugged, as she finished her speech. 

Aziraphale and Beelzebub nodded.

"Anyways, let's get back to what's so important Raguel. We'll translate for you two." She gestured to her brother, Raguel nodded and began to speak in his ancient tongue again. 

Raguel fell back asleep after telling the group what he had observed in his self-exile. They all walked back to the boardroom and sat down trying to take in everything that had been revealed. 

"Stagnation?" Aziraphale said, breathlessly he felt hot and pulled at his tie. 

Crowley for her part sat next to him and put her head in her hands. How were they supposed to solve this? 

The others were in varying stages of denial and existential dread. The immortals sat in silence as the idea of everything they've ever known coming not to an end but to a permanent pause. 

"But how are we supposed to fix that?" Michael said, staring at her hands and scratching at them absentmindedly.

"Aziraphale!" Gabriel said loudly. 

Aziraphale jumped a little at this, "Yes Gabriel?" 

"What was that prophecy again?" 

Aziraphale pulled the card to him.

**"When that the rainbow to Earthe does falle**

**and that foes stille do stand**

**That alone which is new**

**Awaken them it can"**

They all puzzled over this silently, all of them in differing states of thought ranging from puzzled to desperate. 

"That alone which is new. What could that mean?" Aziraphale mumbled aloud.

Gabriel was tapping his chin when he looked at Beelzebub and their now protruding stomach. 

"Perhaps it means the babies?" He suggested looking between Beelzebub and Crowley. 

Crowley placed her arms protectively over her stomach. 

"NO!" She growled out as everyone stared at her. 

" **She** said that they weren't the answer to the Ineffable plan." Crowley wouldn't let her baby be toyed with. She'd protect them to her last breath. 

They continued to deliberate well into the night.

* * *

Anathema and Newt made sure Warlock had everything he needed before bidding him goodnight. They slunk into their bed exhausted from the day of revelations. Anathema looked at Newt changing into his PJs with a small smile on her face. 

"What?" He said, pulling on a t-shirt.

"I saw you playing with the boys...You looked like you were having a lot of fun." She snuggled up to him as he laid down. He interlocked his hand with hers playing with her engagement ring.

"They're fun kids. Adam's got a wild imagination and Warlock knows so many random facts*" Newt replied. 

He chewed on a thought smelling Anathema's hair. 

"Have you thought about it?" He asked her.

"Thought about what?" She replied, looking up at him Her chin on his chest.

"Having kids of your, sorry our own." 

Anathema took a deep breath.

"I have, but I don't think I want any. I mean kids can be fun but I have five siblings myself." She pointed out.

"I don't have any, but I don't think I want any myself either." Newt replied being honest. 

"It's just, Kids are a lot of work and yeah they can be fun to have around but" He began.

"But they cost a lot of time and money." Anathema finished.

"I don't think I could keep up with them constantly. Plus my luck my kid would be just as cursed as I am." He laughed.

"I am the second oldest out of six and my little brothers and sister could be nightmares to deal with." Anathema thought back to having to study the book while her brothers were wrestling or her sister screech singing.

"But they can make parents so happy and you just want to protect them from everything." Newt continues.

"But the world is so messed up and there's already kids in the world who aren't wanted." Anathema added. 

"I suppose I should want them, maybe adopted ones wouldn't be too bad " She speculated. 

"But we're still only in our twenties and I don't think my mom would mind if we didn't have any kids. She's never been too fussed about it." 

"My mom already has three grandkids with two more on the way. She's never been one to press gender roles anyways, now saving the world on the other hand." Anathema let out a dark chuckle.

Newt laughed along with her. 

"You know." He began. "We don't need kids to have a happy life, we can just be together." 

Anathema nodded. "We don't, kids are great but you don't need them to find fulfillment in life." She said, agreeing with Newt. 

"Besides we've got, The Them and Aziraphale and Crowley are definitely going to have us babysitting." No way were they not going to be stuck on baby duty. 

Newt yawned and pulled her closer.

"Ok then, we don't want kids?" He asked.

She nuzzled into his arms.

"Naw, and if we ever happen to change our minds we can just adopt or something. Pregnancy isn't easy on the body." 

They drifted off to sleep holding each other tightly.

* * *

In Tadfield the morning sun had risen and fell once more before Aziraphale and Crowley returned. Crowley looked dead on her feet as they sat down on the couch. She had bags under her eyes as her and Aziraphale explained what was going on. Newt and Anathema's faces paled with existential dread as they listened to everything. 

"Are you sure?" Newt said, breath coming in rapidly. 

"Agnes has never been wrong before." Aziraphale said, voice teetering on the edge of annoyance. He wasn't happy that the book was gone. 

Anathema fiddled her hands and chewed on her lip.  _ "What are we going to do? Why on earth did I burn that book?!"  _

"That alone which is new, what on earth is new? Because when you think about, nothing that exists now is new. Plants, rocks, baby animals. They all already have been created in some capacity." Newt pointed out. 

The adults talked around each other throwing out ideas and similarly striking them down. 

Warlock watched listening to every word and puzzling it over in his mind. He thinks about all the things Nanny and Brother Francis told him as a child. He remembers Nanny having a laugh as they watched Jurassic Park. 

"What about something that people think already existed?" He had to speak up to be heard over them. They all turned to him looking at him. Warlock swallowed but spoke clearly.

"What if we create something that never actually existed, but we have the idea of?" 

Warlock asked. 

"Unicorns?" Offered Newt.

"Nah, they existed but they were killed in a flood." Crowley responded, Newt's face fell at the news. He rather liked unicorns and horses.

"What are you thinking about Hellspawn?" Crowley was always making sure to listen when kids spoke, clever devils they are. Often overlooked when they have great ideas if you listen. 

"Dinosaurs!" Warlock grinned at the adults, it was nice commanding their attention. 

The adult's faces changed as they absorbed the idea. Taken aback at the simplicity of it, yes there were fossils and bones. But they were a cosmic joke, the creatures they supposedly came from never actually existed. Aziraphale's face lit up in realization, his cheeks wide and eyes sparkling. 

"You know, why. That might just work my dear boy." He said smiling at Warlock who grinned back. 

"So we're going to just create a creature out of some basic blueprints when none of us really have those powers." Crowley didn't like poking holes in Warlock's suggestion but this needed to be addressed. 

"Are you sure neither you nor Aziraphale can? Can't you at least try?" Anathema replied. 

Aziraphale furrowed his brow and Crowley shrugged her shoulders. It couldn't hurt could it? They would just have to make sure to pick a herbivore, not the best idea to try and bring a T-rex to life. There are seven movies which prove that that's a really bad idea. Didn't want to go too big either, not good to draw attention like that.

"You should try the Albertadromeus!" Warlock said, with glee as they prepared to try. 

"I'm sorry, the what?" Aziraphale asked.

"Look." Warlock pulled out his phone and searched up the creature. The first result was a very detailed drawing of the mini beast.

"I think we could do that, worth a shot." Crowley said, looking it over. 

She formed the picture in her head. Small, two legs, lizard like skin. Herbivore that's the most important part, she brought it into the forefront of her mind. Closing her eyes she snapped her fingers and a pop was heard. Something heavy fell on the ground and groans and sighs were heard. She opened her eyes and on the floor was a toy model of the dinosaur. She tried again but another toy popped into existence, Aziraphale tried but the same thing happened for him. They even combined their powers and only got as far as a very detailed model. They sagged into the couch defeated.

This was it then, they couldn't think of anything else to try. As Crowley pondered over what it might be like to be paused in eternity forever a knock was heard at the door. Anathema answered it and Adam and the Them ran inside. 

They greeted the adults in the room and Crowley watched Adam talking to a blushing Warlock. 

_ "The presumed Antichrist and the actual Antichrist are getting friendly with each other. Who would have imagined…..wait. That's it!"  _

"Adam!" Crowley tried to jump up heeded by her belly Aziraphale gave her a hand. 

Adam looked at them, Crowley waddled over. She placed her hand on his shoulder. 

"Do you still have access to your powers?" She asked him. Adam looked around nervously.

"No." He said, unconvincingly. He avoided meeting anybody's eyes. 

"Little Master, I know a lie when I hear one. It is a matter of existence that you answer me. Do you still have your powers?" She pulled her glasses off and met his eyes with her burning gold ones. She could if she wanted to compel him to tell the truth but she won't. 

"I do, but I promised not to use them." Adam

"Well young master we need your help." Crowley responded.

"Does this have anything to do with my weird dreams?" Adam asked, looking between her and Aziraphale. 

"What dreams would those be?" Aziraphale asked. 

"I keep having dreams of being in a white room, it's completely packed and everyone is just standing around like they got nothing better to do." Adam began. "And I try to talk to the people but they just respond with things like 'Not much time left.' and other boring things. I finally find a guy who will talk to me and all he can tell me before I wake up is that it's up to me! What's that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to start another Apocalypse? Cause I don't want to do that again! I thought I'd fixed everything." Adam's voice gets panicked and squeaky. 

"Hey, it's alright. Take a deep breath." Anathema instructs to calm him down.

Adam follows, Aziraphale comes and stands next to him. 

"We think we've got it worked out. We need you to help us with this one part. I promise it's nothing bad or scary. We just need to use your imagination and ability to create and we'll have this solved." He says gently. 

They explain what they need Adam to do and the kids light up with excitement. 

A dinosaur! A real dinosaur! How cool would that be! 

They all go outside and Adam focuses on the thought. He closes his eyes and thinks it into existence. 

A small squak is heard as the creature pops into existence. They all stare at it as it pokes around searching for food. It reminds them of a chicken in a way. 

"Well that should fix it." Crowley says, She's prepared to leave. Heading towards the Bentley when the kid's voices stop her. 

"You can't just leave it here!" Pepper cries.

"Yeah if you do the government will come and take it away for experiments!" Brain says.

"They always do that! You have to put it somewhere where nobody can find it so it can live in the wild, happy and free!" Wensleydale chimes in. 

The kids all agree in movies the cute creature isn't happy until it's free and safe from the bad humans. 

Crowley sighs and snaps her fingers the confused dino is placed on an uncharted verdant island. Where it will hopefully live out the rest of its life in relative happiness.

"Can we go now? I'm tired and I want to go home, yes?" She looks at Aziraphale who sighs and after bidding goodbye to everyone heads for the car. Warlock trails behind them, stopping in front of Adam. 

"I guess I'll see you the next time we visit?" He asks hopefully. 

"Yeah! We can show you our clubhouse and induct you properly into the Them. It'll be wicked fun." Adam smiles wide and waves goodbye to Warlock. 

The three of them get into the car and head home, Crowley sending out a mass text filling everyone in on what happened. She smiles tiredly as Queen's We are The Champions blares from the speakers.

* * *

Beelzebub looks up from Their phone. It looks like the idiots figured it out, good because they have other plans. They watch Gabriel tinkering about in the new kitchen, he's been taking cooking classes and is attempting to make a shepherds pie. He's humming Do Re Mi as he does. 

Beelzebub thinks back to their days in heaven, Crowley filled them in on who they were. They still can't remember too much except for the fact that they loved him. 

They loved him more than they loved Her. They craved his affection and attentions and they lost it when they fell. Beelzebub missed that love thinking that they would never get to feel like that again. But in Her stupid Ineffable Plan they found each other and they weren't letting go. They reached into their pocket and grabbed the black ring that was in it.

Gabriel plated the food and placed it in front of his demon. They looked up at him and had a wistful look in their eyes. 

"What's wrong Bee?" He asks. 

Bee mumbles something fiddling with something in their pocket. 

"I didn't catch that." Gabriel looked a little worried. He came around and knelt next to them.

Bee groaned and thrust something into his hands. He looked down at the black ring.

"What's this?" He asked.

"Oh for heaven'z sake." Bee said with a gag. "It'z an engagement ring you idiot." She buzzed.

"An engagement ring, for what? I wasn't aware we had a meeting." Gabriel looked dumbly at her. 

"Fucking Hell you're dumb. I'm asking you to marry me! You know like Aziraphale and Crowley." She glared at him.

Realization dawned on his face, he turned bright red. He was quiet for a while before responding. 

"Yes!" He said, a grin spreading across his face.

"Of course I'll marry you!" He picked them up and began to twirl them around. This turned out to be a bad idea as it severely nauseated the Demon Prince. They smacked at Gabriel's shoulder, he put them down in time for them to run to the trash can. He couldn't stop smiling though and thought about the family he was blessed with.

* * *

Beelzebub and Gabriel decided that they weren't all about big wedding ceremonies. So a week later they invited Aziraphale and Crowley to a human courthouse with them to fill out the paperwork. They had to wait for a couple of hours before they were called up, Gabriel was wearing a lilac set of traditional robes and Beelzebub wore a cleaner and newer set of Their usual attire. 

They swore themselves to each other in front of a judge and Aziraphale and Crowley signed the papers as witnesses. They then drove over to the restaurant for the reception where everyone else was waiting. The humans were there including all the parents and Dagon, Michael, Uriel, Remiel and a recovered Raguel sat with them. Looking gloriously out of place sat Lucifer at the end. He was still confused about this whole thing but when Beelzebub asked he felt he owed it to show up. He was looking at Adam with a nervous tic. He didn't expect to be confronted with his former son so quickly. Former foes gathered round a table, celebrating life, love and all that came with it. 

Gabriel and Beezelbub sat at the head of the table and Crowley stood up to give a speech about the two of them. 

"Alright you lot, zip your lips and listen for a moment." She began as everyone quieted down. "I've known these two for many, many, many years and no one has ever annoyed me or threatened to kill me as much as they have. I feel like I'm living in an upside-down world thinking that we'd ever be friends. That being said I'm glad you are happy and I want nothing more for it to continue if only to get you out of my house." Everyone laughs. "So here's a toast to these two idiots. May they never be parted again."

She raised her glass of sparkling alcohol free cider and the others followed. They toasted wishing the couple unbridled happiness and love. As they lowered their glasses a ripple spread throughout the world and suddenly everything froze in place. 

In Heaven angels froze mid flight, human souls stopped dancing and singing.

Hell grinded to a halt, it had always prided itself on how long it takes to get anything done but now it too was frozen. 

Purgatory was always packed, even more than Hell was. Its guardian stood up and sighed, he took a deep breath and vanished.

Time had stopped, everything was completely frozen and silent. The once opposing sides like statues where they stood, The only one who wasn't frozen was Adam. 

Adam began to panic, this was all becoming too much for him. He was only twelve! What was he supposed to do?! He tried to wake them up. 

"Mummy, Dad" He pulled at their clothes. He tried Aziraphale and Crowley, he even tried smacking Satan but there was no response. 

_ Why was he the only one who wasn't affected?  _ He thought to himself. He ran outside and tried to get the attention of the frozen humans. 

He sat on the curb outside the restaurant pulled his knees to his chest and sobbed bitterly. He was trapped! There's nowhere to go, nothing to do. He cried out in despair, his eyes covered by his arms, he didn't see the flash of light nor the being approaching him. The being tapped him on the shoulder he let out a grateful noise. 

When he turned around he recognized him.

"You're the man from my dreams!" He said, wiping his eyes. 

"That I am, child. That I am. Most know me by Cato. If they could remember my name they would call me that." He spoke with a voice that boomed around them. 

"What's going on? Are we really the only ones who aren't frozen?" Adam asked, eyes puffy and red. 

Cato nodded. 

"What am I supposed to do? I already created the dinosaur. Why wasn't that enough? Am I going to be trapped like this forever?" He said, in despair. 

"I do not know, but I need you to come with me. Perhaps with your help we can figure this out together. Come there is something you must see." He held out his hand and Adam took it.

They arrived in the packed white room, Adam shivered in fear. This place was exactly like it had been in his dreams. 

"What is this place?" He asked.

"Purgatory, it is the resting place for those who weren't evil enough for Hell but weren't good enough for Heaven. It is always full, the spirits that come here are always waiting." Cato replied. 

Adam looked around at the seemingly endless sea of lives. 

"What are they waiting for?" Adam asked. 

Cato shrugged, "That I do not know. I have been here for millenium. I was here to welcome the first one." He led Adam through the crowd, they stopped in front of a young man who looked no older than fifteen. He had dark skin like his parents, a strong build and the eye color of his mother. 

"Abel was the first to come here, so young and so confused. The population only grew and eventually this place began to feel up." Cato spoke. 

He looked at the young Antichrist, so much has been put on his shoulders when he should get to be a kid. 

"Tell me, young one if you are pouring a liquid into a container but it's filled up. What do you do?" 

Adam thought very hard about this. A full container can't hold anymore. It would be best to put the contents somewhere else, somewhere they can be used for later. 

"What if there was somewhere else for the contents to go?" He looked at Cato who nodded in encouragement. 

The prophecy said that only something new could fix things. Well what if he created another way to make something new? The universe was filled up with matter so what if he did something with it. Adam thought back to last year, he had created so many things but had wished them all away. Perhaps that's why he was here now, it's really sucky for the universe to expect kids to figure shit out. Adults seem helpless about it, a chosen one born to save the world. 

Adam thought about it. He would never get to hug his dog again, never get goodnight kisses from his mum, never get to play with the Them again. Never get to meet Aziraphale and Crowley's baby. He remembers a show about a world of people with the ability to bend the elements around them. And there was one kid who could bend all of them, he was a reborn spirit and Anathema talked to him about reincarnation. The belief that souls are reborn into new bodies, given a new chance at life. 

He looked around and pictured in his head a gateway. A gateway that led to rebirth for those souls who hadn't had that much of a chance to do something with their lives. As the gateway formed he reached out and touched the soul of Abel. 

"You need to wake-up now, you've been here too long." He said, as he spoke the man twitched and began to move. He looked between them and the gateway that awaited him.

He couldn't remember how long he had been here, he couldn't remember anything about himself. He just decided that the gateway seemed like a good idea. As he walked through a ripple spread and other spirits began to move. 

"Everyone needs to wake up now, you shouldn't be standing around doing nothing all this time." 

Adam commanded the other spirits drifted towards the light. More began to walk through it and as they did ripples began to stream from them. Adam could feel everything beginning again and sighed in relief. Cato smiled at him.

"You have done well now comes your choice." He said. "You can leave your powers here, become completely human. Grow old live and die. Or you can keep them and keep control over all of this." Cato spread his arms gesturing around them.

Adam's face darkened. "I'm just a kid. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be left alone by all of this." He looked around as fun as his powers were he was tired of all of this. 

"Then make the decision that best suits you." 

Cato advised. 

Adam took a deep breath and took Cato's hand. He had seen into Cato's soul and essence and determined him to be the right person. He poured his powers into Cato allowing him to take on the mantle. Cato, guardian of purgatory took onto himself to maintain the balance. 

Cato smiled and shook Adam's hand. 

"Well done, I believe you made the right choice." He said.

Adam smiled back. "Not to be rude but I hope I never get involved in this shite again." 

Cato laughs and nods his head with a tap he sends the boy on his way back to where he was

* * *

To the humans it was but a blink of the eye, to the occult and ethereal beings it was more than that. They felt the shift and stop of everything, they felt it restart, they looked at each other and then looked at Adam. He gave a knowing look and put his finger to lips. There would be time to explain later, but for now he was going to eat some of the cake he felt he earned it after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you just have to give it a smaller fraction of a percent for your own sake. I made my choice with this chapter.
> 
> There will be five more chapters after this one, more baby stuff and less agnst. It's time for fun again. I hope you all are doing good and staying safe. 
> 
> Adam is completely human now, he gave it all away because it's really messed up to put the weight of the world on the shoulders of a kid.   
> .  
> .  
> Cato is the guardian of Purgatory in Dante's Purgetorio, he guides the souls on their way to heaven. As you climb the mountain or the longer you stay the less you remember about who you were.   
> In Greek and Roman mythos Asphodel is the land of Purgatory and the souls there have a chance to be reborn and give life another go to try and get into heaven. 
> 
> Either way I thought this would be a great fit, until I got stuck and didn't know how to fix it. Yay.   
> I do hope it isn't the worst you've ever read I just really, really Really needed to finish this arch as it was causing me to be delayed in thinking about my other stories.   
> .  
> .  
> .  
> *https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicolaus_Copernicus  
> .  
> *NASA stands for Noth American Space Association.   
> .  
> .  
> I wanted to repersent different types of familes in my story. I also wanted to point out that couples don't have to have children to have a happily ever after. And that not wanting kids doesn't mean you hate kids. I know that it really doesn't state wether or not Anathema had siblings but I thought she should if she had this discussion. Newt is an only child and whilst he likes the kids he doesn't think he needs to have any himself.   
> .  
> Kids don't equal a happy ending, Both sets of parents to be in this story are choosing to have kids. It's ok to want kids and it's ok to not want them. I imagine that if Anathema and Newt ever changed their minds they would adopt.


	21. Family class

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the events of the last chapter the gang return to their lives and prepare for the arrival of the baby. Warlock is feeling nervous and unsure of his place in the family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all how's it going? Just wanted to say hi and thank you for reading this far, these last five chapters will end out the story and it's been a great all be it sometimes frustrating ride. I hope you all enjoy this chapter and I'll see you in the next one.

Crowley was grumpy, her feet were killing her. Despite her best efforts she had to give up her high heels as she entered the eighth month. Now she was stuck to wearing stylish flats and slippers at home. When she could see her feet that is, some days she feels like she swallowed a watermelon. She got out of the tub and set to getting dressed, they were going to another baby class. They piled into the Bentley and after making sure everyone is buckled they're off. 

Jude from the previous baby class had informed them of a much saner course at the community center. Of course they had failed to actually attend until now given everything else they were dealing with. Now it was a mad dash to the finish line, but the course also offered a class for siblings.

It had taken some talking but Warlock eventually decided to go with them. He was being distant lately and it worried them, but so far their attempts to talk to him about it had been all for naught. They decided it would be best to back off and let the boy come to them about it. 

They pulled into the car park and Crowley attempted to park across six spaces. Aziraphale cleared his throat so she decided to just park across three. They strolled into the community center and they were greeted by a young volunteer. 

"Hello how can we assist you today?" He said brightly. 

  
  


"Ah yes my dear boy, we're here for the afternoon baby classes?" Aziraphale beamed.

"Of course, they're down the hall to the left in room 4004. And sibling classes will be in room 4003." He smiled at Warlock who just gave a bemoaned sigh. 

Walking into the room they saw a larger number of couples and a few kids 

"Hey you two! It's been too long." Jude called out, her and Mona strolled up to them. 

Aziraphale gave them hugs and a small blessing to alleviate the stress on Mona's lower back. Crowley just waved to them. Jude noticed Warlock standing behind them, She smiled at him.

"This is our Warlock." Crowley said, introducing the boy. 

Jude smiled and stuck out her hand, Warlock just stared before a nudge from Aziraphale prompted him to shake their hands. After the full introductions are made the class splits and they all sit down to listen to the instructor. 

Nurse Cantadio greets her students. 

"Welcome to Baby 101, we will be going over what to expect at different stages of pregnancy. Resources to help with births and the possible complications of pregnancy. I'm so glad to be here with you today." 

She went on for about forty five mins before showing a safety movie and working them through lamaze. As they finished practicing she ramped up into serious talk. 

"Childbirth is one of the most difficult things you can put your body through. There's no easy way around that, I highly recommend that you not be afraid to deliver at a hospital or with a medically trained midwife on site. There's nothing wrong with choosing the route that's least stressful on you and your baby." She talked to them about the different birthing scenarios that one could go with.

* * *

Warlock listens quietly as the teacher talks, aside from a thirteen year old girl he's the oldest kid here. The teacher shows them how to hold a baby, how to talk to a baby, first aid and CPR. Even how to change a diaper but unfortunately due to the average age of the other kids they spoke in a bit of a patronizing voice. 

"Now it's important that you lovelies remember that your new sibling is not a replacement. The baby will need a lot of attention because they can't do anything on their own yet. Your parents still love you completely and they love the baby just as much." 

The woman smiles so much that it seems stretched and tired. 

They break for a snack and Warlock talks to the girl, Imelda. 

"My mom is constantly complaining about how sore the baby is making her. She's also talking about how they want the baby to stay in my room for the first few months so someone is always there, I already have to share it with Cammie." Imelda rolls her eyes, her little sister is playing with the other little kids.

"I guess that'd be annoying." Warlock sighs looking nervous. 

"It is! Why do they want more babies when they're bored of the first ones?" Imelda moaned. 

Warlock just listened quietly as she talked about how her parents left her to take care of her little sister. Not that she hates her, but she feels like she doesn't get much time to be alone. Warlock fidgets nervously as he thinks about what'll happen if Nanny and Aziraphale get tired of him.

* * *

Crowley and Aziraphale are chatting with Jude and Mona. 

"So have you picked out a name yet? We're either going to go with Darren or Collin." 

Mona rubbed her stomach and shifted her feet. 

Aziraphale let out a small blessing to relieve the tension and cramps. He looks at Crowley. 

"Well we've discussed it, I like Zeruel." 

"Too complicated." Crowley snorts at this. "I'm more for Azazel." 

Aziraphale scoffed at this, "Too morbid." 

Jude and Mona exchange a glance. 

"Well what gender is your baby?" They ask.

"Oh, well we're not really dead set on gender. I mean I don't really stick to any gender binary myself." Crowley explains. "Warlock suggested Emrys, kinda like the sound of that one." Her face scrunched in interest.

"That's a lovely name, so what's the story with him anyways? I thought you didn't have any other kids." Mona asked. 

Crowley practically growls at this. Mona backs away a little. 

"Calm down Dearest." Aziraphale pats her arm. 

"Warlock is our ward as you would say, we helped care for him when he was little. He's staying with us for now. We're rather protective of him" Aziraphale explained. 

"Oh, well that makes sense." Jude replies.

They went their separate ways after class and decided to order some pizza for dinner before heading home.

* * *

Lucifer pulled out his phone and dialed it. A tired voice answers him. His face breaks into a smile hearing it. 

"Detective! So glad you answered." 

"Lucifer? Why are you calling me? It's eleven here." Chloe Decker replies.

"Oh well that's alright I won't be long. I need your advice." Lucifer said a little too brightly.

"Ok, with what?" Chloe figured it was easier to answer him then too hang up.

"My sibling and subordinate are expecting little babies and I was wondering what I should buy them." He fired off rapidly. 

Chloe is taken aback by this. "Run that by me again?" 

"You should really listen better. But yes I'll repeat myself." He continues to talk about Crowley and Beelzebub.

* * *

Warlock laid in his bed staring at the ceiling, he thinks about where he might go if Nanny and Aziraphale get tired of him. Part of him says that he's overthinking this and that they're not just going to toss him out. Another part of him tells him to locate Bernard's number so he has a back up just in case. He listens as Aziraphale and Crowley finish up their nighttime routine and head to bed, His brain firing on all cylinders.

* * *

"Wherever they go and whatever happens to them on the way. In that enchanted place on the top of the forest, a little boy and his bear will always be playing." Aziraphale finished The House on Pooh Corner and closed the book placing a kiss to the bump he felt a pulse of love in return. 

"That's a rather bittersweet end. Who ends a children's book like that?" Crowley asked, running her fingers through his blonde curls. 

Aziraphale smiles a little misty eyed. "Yes, I guess so childhood must come to an end at some point." 

He kissed Crowley properly and tenderly, he pulls back only to be trapped by her hand as she pulls him in for another kiss. She runs her hand down his side and hooks a finger into the waistband of his pajamas. 

"You want to do this now? You sure?" He says one hand on her hip. 

"Very sure angel, I've already miracled it that Warlock won't hear a thing. Come on now, it's been too long." She brushes her hand across his bottom. 

"Very well then. You minx." Aziraphale grabs the end of her nightgown and runs his hand up her leg. 

Crowley growls in excitement and giggles in anticipation. They laugh as they fall together wrapped around each other. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warlock is wanted by Crowley and Aziraphale, he's just worried and questioning it like most kids do, I mean his birth parents did toss him out. So he's unsure if they'll want to keep him around.
> 
> Emrys= immortal  
> There's a eight hour time difference between Los Angeles and London.


	22. Father Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas chapter! We get to see the gang celebrating Christmas. There's some minor Warlock agnst followed by comfort and love, a Christmas Eve party and things don't quite go as planned.😏

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank The League of Extraordinary British Betas for helping me with the the British traditions of Christmas. I wanted to make sure I was being accurate when I wrote this, Lucifer will be returning home and probably won't make another appearance. He's not really important to this story but I might show him in flash back or if I ever come up with a better version of chapter 20.

Snow was falling as Beelzebub woke up, stretching their back and rolling out of bed they walked into one of the five bathrooms. A nice hot shower sounded wonderful, they turned the hot water knob and let it pour over them. 

"Bee?" Gabriel's voice called through the door. 

"What?" Bee buzzed groggily. 

Gabriel came into the bathroom. 

"I made breakfast." He said brightly. 

Bee buzzed in acknowledgement, they tried to grab Gabriel and entice him into the shower with them. He hesitates and brushes them off.

"What is it?" Bee glares at him. 

"It's just." 

"It's what?" 

"Lucifer is at the door." He says a little miffed, it's not his place to interfere in Bee's job. But he's not sure he really wants to talk to his brother. 

Bee groans before getting out and dressing themselves with a snap. They walk to the entrance way and open the door, Lucifer is standing in the middle of the December morning humming dance of the Sugar Plum fairies. He gives a nervous smile as the petite prince comes up to him.

"How may I serve you today Master?" Bee meets his eyes and doesn't flinch.

"Ah, yes I thought we should talk before I leave." Lucifer said a bit stiffly. 

Bee mulls the thought over letting them stand in the cold before moving aside and welcoming him into the chateau. 

"Nice place, very spacious and cozy." Lucifer looks around at the giant entrance chamber. 

They walk into the kitchen where a breakfast feast awaited with pancakes, french toast and overripe fruit waited. Bee piled their plate with the goods and drizzled syrup over it all. They sit at the table and began to eat, gesturing to Lucifer that he could begin. 

"Well I just wanted to thank you for your hard work whilst I was away. I mean you had things running better than I ever did." He begins. 

Bee scowls washing a mouthful of food down with fresh squeezed juice. 

"Yeah well I've been running thingz a lot longer than that." They said. 

"I know I was never very into the king of Hell thing. Kind of just going along with it because it was written and all that." He explained. 

"Yeah well I won't have much time to devote to running everything for awhile. Are you planning on going back?" Bee looked at him reading his movements. 

Lucifer gauffed and shook his head. 

"No I don't really think I will. I'm having too much fun with the Detective and my nightclub. But I have talked it over with Dagon and we're working it out, you'll still have to do some paperwork and stuff but you should be able to do it remotely. So I got that worked out for you." He smiled coal eyes glinting. 

Bee absorbed this information. They nodded in agreement. "Who'z Detective?" They asked. 

"A Ms. Chloe Decker, fascinating and powerful woman. Brilliant to although she never seems to believe that I'm really the devil." He sounds put out and upset. 

"She sounds interesting."

They talk for a bit more before Lucifer decides it's time to leave. As he heads out he pauses for a moment. 

"Oh yes before I forget. I consulted the detective who has her own spawn and she suggested that I get you diapers or nappies. So I did!" Lucifer snapped his fingers and boxes upon boxes of nappies appeared.

"By my guess this should be enough till five years of age. I sent Crowley some as well. Well then I'll be off shall I?" He smiled brightly and headed out as Gabriel walked in to see a teetering tower before it fell on him.

* * *

Crowley was struggling to reach down and grab the mail. She couldn't bend over at all, even with her flexibility she was unable to. She huffed and just snapped it into her hand, going through it she found an invitation to Anathema and Newts Christmas Eve party. With RSVP for the three of them and an announcement of the theme. 

"Gag gift?" She mumbled, she had come up with the idea. 

What's more fun than getting a weird or useless gift for Christmas? You think you're going to get something nice and then bam! You've got an alarm clock that sings *Sugar Sugar by The Archies. She laughed to herself about what they could grab, she's so focused on thinking about it that she doesn't notice the barrier until she careens into it. 

Boxes of nappies fall on her head and she's knocked off her feet and into a hastily miracled chair courtesy Aziraphale. 

"Are you alright dearest?!" He comes over panicked checking for any damage. 

"Who the bloody Hell stacked the walkway with all these boxes?!" She hissed as Aziraphale helped her stand up. 

"It says here they're from Lucifer." Warlock said catching the floating card. He holds it out to them. 

"Figures, he's always late on arrival." She growls. She's spitting mad and grumbling around the shop. 

"Dearest do calm down, The doctor said to try and avoid stress." 

Aziraphale worried about trying to get her to sit and put her feet up. 

Crowley spins around ready to bite his head off when she feels the tears pricking in the corners of her eyes. She does sit down and she bursts into tears, Aziraphale sits next to her and holds her hand. 

"I'm tired of feeling like this! I'm a complete mess and I can't control my emotions, I can't wear my favorite clothes, I can't have any of the good food! I'm sore and tired and just ready for this baby to arrive already!" She sniffed out. 

"You're almost there, Zariel said that the last month would be the hardest. We'll get to meet the baby soon and you won't have to carry them anymore." He rubs her back and she relaxes into it. 

Crowley sniffs again. "This place is too small, we're not going to have room for another kid." 

Aziraphale agrees. "Yes I've been thinking about that as well. Gabriel left the card of the realtor they used. Perhaps we should call her and see what she can find for us."

* * *

Warlock has gone upstairs and sits on his bed. 

He pulls out his phone and dials a number. 

_ You've reached,  _ **_Harriet Dowling,_ ** _ Is not available. Please leave a message and your phone number."  _

"M-mom? I-I just wanted to talk to you, I'm sorry if I'm bothering you. I just…….. goodbye I guess. I hope your Christmas is nice." He ends the call and stares up at the dusty ceiling. He thinks about Aziraphale, Nanny and their soon to be baby.

"They'll get tired of me as well, Everyone does." 

He rolls over and buries his head in his arms. 

Dozing in and out of sleep he almost doesn't hear Aziraphale calling him. 

"Warlock! Get your coat on, we're going to the Christmas Market." 

Warlock sits up and rubs eyes grabbing his coat and meeting them at the door. 

"Ah there you are! Are you ready for the market? Got your pocket change yes?" Aziraphale beams happily at him. 

Warlock nods and they get into the Bentley. Crowley grumbles about having to adjust* her seat again and they're off. They make it to the Greenwich Market and park in the nearest open space Crowley can find. 

The market spans 150 different stalls and attractions, with fairy lights strung across over their heads. Patrons weave in and out laden with bags overflowing with trinkets and food. 

They buy some hot cider and coca and walk around taking a look at everything. Warlock remembers the first one Nanny had taken him to he had been almost overwhelmed by the sights and sounds of everything. He even got to meet Santa! Of course by now he knows it was just some dude in a red suit.

"Look they're doing the Nativity Story." 

Aziraphale pointed out a stage in which Mary, Joseph and the three wisemen were surrounded by various barn animals. In the middle of it was a manger and a rather uncanny looking doll lay in it. 

"He didn't have blonde hair! Or Blue eyes!" Crowley hissed under her breath. 

"Neither was he white, but I suppose they just went with whatever they had on hand. It's too cold for a real baby." Aziraphale responded.

"The wisemen didn't arrive until he was two. These people really have no idea what that night was like."

An older woman hissed at them to keep their voices down as the story played out. Crowley hissed back at her dropping her glasses to let her eyes show. The woman seeing a heavily pregnant woman with slitted eyes backed away. 

Warlock fidgets in place. 

"Hey Hellspawn, how about we go find food? The baby is starving." 

They headed to find food leaving Aziraphale to watch the program and mutter about the inaccuracies. He should know he was there that night. 

Carrying a tray of piping mince pies and drinks they searched through the crowd for the angel. He was nowhere to be found, Crowley pulled out her mobile and texted him. Glad she finally convinced him to get one. 

**"Where'd you go Angel? I got mince pie."**

**"Sorry Dearest, I got caught up in something. Head towards Father Christmas's Grotto I'll meet you there. Don't make a scene when you get here please."**

"Don't make a scene? Why would I make a scene?" She looked at Warlock. "Do I look like the kind of person who makes a scene?" 

Warlock bit his cheek. "Do you want the honest answer? Or would you prefer a comforting lie?" He responds. 

"Cheek. Alright Hellspawn let's head over to see what kind of trouble he's gotten himself into." They set off. 

  
  


As they enter the brightest and most decorated area they see a line of eager children awaiting their chance to meet Father Christmas. Crowley can't see the Angel anywhere, she peers over the heads but can't find his curls anywhere. 

"Nanny!" Warlock calls out a smarmy grin on his face.

"Did you find him?" 

Warlock nods and grabs her hand, dragging her forward as they round past the large Christmas tree Crowley could hear his voice. 

"Ho, Ho, Ho. And what do you want for Christmas Erin?" 

Aziraphale is sitting in a chair made out of gingerbread and candy. He's wearing a red coat and he's grown out his hair and added a beard. 

A little girl of five sat on his lap. She is talking energetically to him. 

"I want a Junior Scientist kit and a *Doc McStuffins doll." 

"A good choice, be sure to keep an eye out under the tree and promise to be nice to your little sister." Aziraphale hands her a giant candy cane and after a picture she runs off. 

Crowley grins mischievously and snaps her fingers, now she's decked out like Mrs.Christmas and Warlock has an elf hat and ears on. He glares at her. 

"Be grateful that I didn't put you in full costume. Let's go say hi to Father Christmas." She quirks an eyebrow and walks towards the set.

A quick word with the woman working security and they're allowed on stage. Warlock elects to wait behind them, she holds one of the pies and a drink and walks into view. 

"Hello dearies. Mrs.Claus is popping in to make sure Father Christmas gets some food." 

Aziraphale jumps and looks over at her, this causes most of the adults to laugh along with the kids. She gives him a big kiss on the cheek and hands him his food. Sitting in a cushioned chair that wasn't there before she got there. Aziraphale sets aside the food and waves the next kid forward. 

"Hello Zachary, what do you want for Christmas?" He says sweetly, blue eyes sparking with mirth. 

None of the adults are questioning how Father Christmas knows every kid's name. The kids already expect him to know. The boy looks at Crowley and her belly before loudly exclaiming with glee.

"A baby brother!" 

Aziraphale lets out a deep belly laugh as the parents turn red with embarrassment.

"Ah, well I'm afraid that you'll have to talk to your parents about that but I can promise you any toy or book you want." He says warmly.

Zachary pouts for a moment before deciding that a pair of roller blades would be the best present. The night goes on as many kids both young and old request gifts. The Angel is beaming with joy and warmth and it's drawing in everyone. At some point the crew start closing the Grotto making sure that everyone who wants to has gotten to see Father Christmas. 

The head leader comes up to them. 

"Thank you so much for filling in. We were desperate." She said. 

"Oh It's of no problem my dear. Happy to help." 

Crowley smirks and gives him another kiss. The woman smiles at them. 

"Would you like to get a family picture yourselves? Free of charge of course." She offers.

"Oh really?!" Aziraphale looks is ecstatic.

"Of course. Just get situated and we'll take it for you." She replies.

Aziraphale and Crowley began to adjust. 

"Warlock get over here and join us." Crowley waves him forward. He shakes his head.

"Come on Hellspawn, It's a family photo, you're part of the family." 

She raises her hand in a snapping manner. Silently promising to put him in an even worse outfit. 

He gives in and sits with them. Aziraphale adjusts his hat and they're all smiles as the photo is taken. 

On their way back to the car Aziraphale is munching on his still warm pie. Crowley is snickering to herself. 

"Oh just say something already. I know you want to." He says taking a sip of coco. 

"How'd you get roped into playing Father Christmas anyways?" She asks. 

He looks back at her and Warlock have linked arms and are laughing at him in good favor. 

"I was walking around the children's area seeing what kind of gifts I might get Adam and The Them when Wanda approached me and said that their usual Santa had thrown his back out and, she really needed someone to fill in." He lets out a good natured huff. 

He knows she's only playfully teasing him. They reach the Bentley and Aziraphale miracles away the tickets.

"Well I think you make a very attractive Father Christmas and I'm willing to bet all those kids are going to get exactly what they want for Christmas." She replies.

"Yes I would agree, except for maybe Zachary. I can't believe he asked for a baby brother." He laughs. 

"Aww I thought it was cute, Kids are weird about having siblings. What about you Warlock?" She addresses him. 

"What about me?" He looks a little put off. 

"Are you excited to have a sibling?" She pulls out into traffic cutting off a truck. 

"I guess." He replies. 

Aziraphale frowns, Warlock has been becoming more distant as the months drag on. He looks at their boy who is exuding misery and confusion. 

"Shouldn't I be going back to my parents by now?" He asks, his voice trembles. 

"Do you want to go back?" Crowley asks. 

"I'm their son, I have to at some point don't I?" He is on the verge of tears. 

"Warlock, we're not going to make you go anywhere you're unsafe or uncomfortable. Why would we?" Aziraphale frowns and glances at Crowley who quietly pulls over. 

"They don't answer the phone or call me back." Warlock admits miserably. 

"Your parents?" Crowley asks, voice soft and gentle. 

Warlock nods and starts to cry. 

"I called them, I thought because it's almost Christmas that they might want to talk to me. But they never do, they got tired of me and you will too." Tears are streaming down his face. 

Aziraphale and Crowley draw in shocked breaths. 

"No." Crowley says forcefully.

Warlock looks up at her. "No what?" 

"No we won't get tired of you. We love you Warlock, we may not be related to you but I have loved you since I first held you in my arms." She states.

"But you left! You left and you didn't tell me why!" He spits out. 

Crowley is now in the backseat sitting next to Warlock but not touching him yet. She reaches her hand out, Warlock nods and she puts her hand on his cheek. 

"Warlock we didn't leave because we were tired of you. We left because it was no longer safe for you if we stayed. I wish we could have, I wish we could have taken you with us. Or told you why. But we couldn't. And none of it is your fault or because we didn't like you. We love you so much Hellspawn and we always will." She's taken off her glasses and is looking him directly in the eyes. 

He throws his arms around her, Aziraphale joins them and they're all hugging each other. Warlock smiles and leans into the embrace when he feels something pushing out towards him. He looks down and there's just the slightest impression of a hand jutting out against the wall of Crowley's stomach. 

Crowley laughs. "Someone else loves you too, I can feel their love for you." 

Warlock laughs and touches his hand to the baby's he feels a pulse like they're saying hello. 

They all sit for a few more minutes before wiping their cheeks and heading home. The night ends with more hugs and coco, Warlock drifts asleep and Crowley sneaks into his room. She pulls the blankets snug around him and gives him a kiss on his forehead. 

"Sweet dreams Hellspawn and when you wake you'll have dreamed of whatever you like best."

* * *

The Christmas Eve party is going off without a hitch gifts have been exchanged. Crowley winning it with earrings shaped like cat turds, the kids are chasing each other around tossing snowballs and pushing each other into the overly fluffy snow*. The adults are laughing at their kids and conversing with each other. 

"So how much longer are you expecting?" Deidre Young asks Crowley who's sitting with her feet propped up. She was feeling a tad extra crampy today.

"Well we've entered the ninth month so hopefully any day now. I'd like to see my feet again." She replies.

Deidre laughs and pats her arm. 

"Oh I remember how it was with Adam. I once put on a house slipper and one of Arthur's loafers. Didn't realize it until I got home from the grocers and saw the other halfs sitting next to each other." They share a good natured laugh. 

"If you don't mind my nosiness. What's your birthing plan?" Deidre asks.

Crowley lets out a small grimace before answering. 

"We're going to a small clinic in London. We know the Doctor, There and feel more comfortable with her doing it."

Diedre nods in approval. "Let's hope things go as planned, it was chaos when Adam decided to show up." 

Crowley lets out a loud laugh, remembering that night.

As they sit down to a dinner Newt passes out the crackers Aziraphale and Crowley brought. Crowley might have miracled them to give off a louder bang than they should, but the uptake in toy quality should make up for it. 

Everyone has a cracker and they decide to pop them all on the count of three. Newt holds the other half of Crowley's. 

"3-2-1, BANG!!" 

Everyone jumps back at the cacophonous noise and Crowley doubles over laughing. She's laughing so hard it hurts. A flash of pain travels across her abdomen. 

"I'm sure this is your doing Crowley…. Crowley dearest are you alright?" 

Aziraphale puts his hand on her as she's panting for breath. Everyone is watching them.

"Angel…..I think this baby is preparing to make...an entrance." She says breathing through a contraction. 

"Oh….fuck." Aziraphale swears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Christmas markets will do the Nativity Story which for any one who doesn't know is the story of the Birth of Christ. It's a widely popular story in the United States and it's something that we tell every year. Hell US citizens love it so much that they have sued to be allowed to display it on public property even though the only rule is that if you're going to have one religious display you have to include everyone else who has a winter holiday. It's never been illegal to put up the Nativity on private property of any kind. And all they ask is that you be inclusive of other traditions on public displays.   
> .  
> .  
> Dance of the Sugar Plum fairies for anyone who is unfamiliar with it.  
> .  
> https://youtu.be/zV1qLYukTH8  
> .  
> Sugar Sugar by The Archies  
> .  
> https://youtu.be/h9nE2spOw_o  
> .  
> Doc McStuffins is this uber adorable program for real little kids. It stars a little black girl who pretends to be a doctor and patch up her stuffed animals and other kids toys. It's considered a step in the right direction because for some asinine reason it took till 2012 for a show that stars a black girl in a very important profession. I.e. being a Doctor.   
> .  
> It really is the sweetest little show for kids that age, and Doc is a very good role model for them.   
> .  
> Mrs. Christmas or Claus seems to be less of Britan thing. She's not well remembered over in the States either. She's Santa's wife and in the old stories she travels along side him and leaves candy and cookies for the kids. She would also leave clothes. The whole doting grandma thing. It sucks that people forget her or regulate her to just his wife when she has her own lore and was just as welcome and important. (Probably more because she brings you hats and mittens and useful things)  
> .  
> * Adam doesn't have his powers but Aziraphale thinks it'll be nice if there's snow for Christmas.  
> .  
> I hope you're not too miffed at the ending? 😜 Don't worry the baby will be here next chapter. And yes I had to do the cliche of talking about thinking the baby isn't ready yet but they decide otherwise. Now it's a mad dash to get to a hospital!


	23. Have yourself a Merry little Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the delivery chapter folks so it's going to be detailed. Skip over if you find Child birth too sqicky for your tatse I will not be mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know in London you say Happy Christmas but the title is a reference to a popular Christmas song in the United States. So sue me I'm trapped in a country that has lost its mind and I want to reference one of my favorite Christmas songs.

Crowley grunted as another flash of pain alighted across her abdomen.

"Bloody fucking Hell." She says. 

Everyone is staring paralyzed at them. 

Contractions are twelve minutes apart, Aziraphale jumps up and fumbles for his mobile. Quickly hitting the second option for speed dial he puts it up to his ear. 

"Hello? Hello Zariel? Hello? Oh bother." He fiddled with it some more before managing to turn it on speaker phone. 

_"Hello, you've reached the voicemail of_ **_Zariel,_ ** _I'm afraid I can't come to the phone right now but leave a message and I'll get back to you within two cycles."_ *Beep*

"Oh damn, I forgot." Aziraphale groaned.

"Forgot what?" Newt asked.

"It's Christmas, they all get vacation time. They'll probably be at the celebration." Aziraphale was thinking about the massive party every year.

"S'not even his actual birthday." Crowley gritted under her breath.

"What do we do now?" Anathema asks. 

Diedre jumps up and comes over to help as everyone is trying to figure out what to do, Anathema joins her.

"Breathe dear, that's it." Whilst everyone was talking about it she was helping coach Crowley through the blinding pain.

"They need to go to the hospital!" Anathema says.

"What about that little church hospital? The one where Adam and Warlock were at?" Crowley asks breathing through the pain.

"It burned down and is now a Paintball/Frisbee Golf course." Arthur pipes up 

  
  


"The nearest one is Oxfordshire. Get the Bentley!" Anathema calls out. 

"No!" Crowley seethes. 

"Why not?" Anathema asks.

"I'm not getting anything goo or whatever falls out on my leather! I've kept it in perfect condition since I acquired the damn car." Crowley looks at Aziraphale silently daring him to argue. 

"Maybe you could take Dick Turpin?" Newt offers. 

"I don't think we'll all fIT!" Anathema gasps as Crowley squeezes her hand. 

"Nine minutes apart." Diedre announces timing it with her phone.

"We don't have the time to argue any more, We are taking the Bentley, We will deal with the leather later." Aziraphale scoops Crowley up carrying her bridal style and heads to the door. 

"At least let Anathema drive! She knows how to handle it better." Aziraphale sighs but hands over the keys, They're almost out of the door.

"Wait!" Crowley calls out, She hits Aziraphale's shoulder.

"What about Warlock?" She looks back at the table where Warlock is waiting looking confused as to where he's supposed to go. 

The adults debate it, Newt and Anathema are coming with them so the house will be empty. But if Warlock went with them he'd be stuck in the waiting room for who knows how many hours. Warlock seems indecisive himself. 

"He could stay with us! If he likes." Adam provides looking at his parents. They nod in agreement.

"Warlock what would you prefer?" Aziraphale asks.

Warlock mulls it over before answering.

"Can I come with you?" He asks. 

Aziraphale and Crowley nod and Warlock is out the door with them. They squeeze Aziraphale and Crowley into the back seat and Anathema, Newt and Warlock squeeze into the front. Making sure everyone is buckled they're off. 

They arrive at the hospital with Crowley at six minutes apart and cursing every single contraction.

* * *

The waiting room is about a quarter full with patients who look up as a white haired man carries a red headed woman through. They're followed by two adults and a kid, the kid grabs a wheelchair from the designated area and rolls it up to them. 

The blonde puts his wife gently in the chair and they rush up to the service desk. 

"Excuse me dear lady, but my wife has gone into labor and you're the nearest hospital." He says hurriedly. 

"How far apart are contractions?" The woman asks.

"Six but they live in London, they'll never make it there in time." Anathema says.

The woman hands them some forms and makes a call. 

" **Orderly needed to escort patient To maternity ward."**

Within three minutes a young man in a red Santa hat has shown up and is taking them through the halls and up the elevator.

"Floor three, all things baby, good luck to you." He hands her off to a midwife. 

Aziraphale hands over the paperwork all filled out and ready to go.

"Hello dear, I'm going to be your midwife today, my name is Poppy."

Poppy has a bright smile as she's leading them through the halls. She stops at a small room.

"I'm afraid that only two of you will be allowed in the birthing rooms for sanitary reasons. You can wait here for now." She gestures to the waiting area. 

It's a small room with cushy looking furniture, a TV and some vending machines. 

"Me and Warlock can wait out here. I probably shouldn't go anywhere near the machines. Most likely break them." Newt smiles awkwardly. 

Everyone agrees and they're off again. They get to the room and another is there as well. 

"Ok Mrs. Fell we're going to get you changed and situated. Here's your gown and socks. Dad can help you change if you need to." Poppy smiles at them. 

After getting changed and hooked up to all the machines that she had to manifest the proper organs for Crowley almost collapsed into bed. 

She groans as another contraction hits her, glaring at Aziraphale.

  
  


"This is your doing." She snips at him. 

"Yes I'm more than aware darling." He soothes.

"Next time you want a kid you carry it, I'm not doing this shit agAGIN!.... bloody hell I'm hot." Sweat dripped off her brow.

Aziraphale dabbed at it with his handkerchief

"I'll get you some ice chips!" Anathema jumps up and heads out of the room. 

Poppy scoots up next to them, checking vitals.

"Now it says here that you would like an epidural so I've got someone on the way with that. Is there any allergies we should be aware of or previous health conditions?" 

Crowley shook her head as another contraction pulsed through. 

"I noticed that you have some scarring on your legs and abdomen. Is that recent?" She asks.

"Car accident when I was younger. Nothing new." Crowley replies sourly.

After answering more questions an anesthesiologist shows up. 

"I'll need you to lay on your side dearie. So we can insert this properly." He speaks.

Crowley complies as the epidural is placed, She squeezes Aziraphale's arms. 

"Alright looking good, the Doctor will be in here shortly. If you need anything just push this button." He indicates the button on the bed. 

Poppy heads out, She pulls the curtain to divide the room and give them some privacy.

* * *

As they waited they could hear the other woman gasp in pain, something was wrong her breaths were too spaced out and disturbingly shallow. 

"Somethings not right Angel. Can't you feel it?"

Aziraphale nods, Crowley could smell blood much more blood than should be there at this stage of labor. If she had to guess right the woman was bleeding internally. The husband was paying more attention to wiping her increasingly sweat covered head and silently panicking not sure what to do. 

A doctor walks in and comes to greet them. 

"Hello I'm Coraline Jones. It's good to meet you." She sticks her hand out and shakes theirs. 

"Dr. Jones is it?" Crowley asks. 

"Yes." Dr. Jones responds.

Crowley snaps her fingers.

"The woman in the next bed is in trouble, she's bleeding internally and you need to treat her now before she dies." Crowley states.

"I need to treat her befor-......" Dr. Jones eyes refocus and suddenly she's up and on the other side of the room. She's checking the woman over hits a button to call for emergency turfing to the OR. 

A whole team escorts the patient out and Aziraphale gives a small blessing that everything will turn out fine. He smiles coyly at her.

"No parent should have to die before meeting their kid." Crowley pants out, the epidural took the edge off the pain but didn't get rid of it completely. 

They're very wary of trying to miracle it away or something because they don't know what they're dealing with. Anathema comes back into the room with a pitcher full of ice chips and helps feed them to Crowley. 

Midwife Poppy pops into the room.

"So Dr. Jones is in the OR tending to another patient. We've got a back up doc on their way. I'm just going to check you while we wait so we know where we're at." She puts Crowley's feet into the stir-ups and peaks below the blanket.

"You're sitting at eight centimeters right now and looking well. Your vitals appear to be clear, is there anything you need?" 

"Yeah three shots of whiskey." Crowley snarks.

Poppy gives a well worn smile. "Can't do that just yet. Hopefully it doesn't take too long for the other doctor." She leaves the room.

Time passes but eventually the doctor shows up. A familiar pair of basil eyes sparkle at them in full scrubs including a cap and mask. 

"I'm so sorry I missed your first dozen calls. I was caught up talking with Moteriel about something I don't even remember. Let's take a look." Zariel says in her rapid speaking.

"Looks like we're almost there. Nine centimeters. Congratulations! you two, I hope he won't mind sharing a birthday." Zariel winks at them.

Aziraphale and Crowley look up at the clock, it's ten minutes to midnight.

* * *

Warlock is finding it hard to sleep even in the chairs that are clearly made for it. He's hopped up on a ton of sugar because when Newt went to select a snack, the machine released all of its goods before dying. He's had so many biscuits and crisps he feels nauseated. Newt's looking a little green himself, He turns over and tries to quiet his mind.

* * *

"Take a deep breath and Push!" Zariel instructs Crowley. 

Crowley can feel the pressure of the baby moving. She takes as deep of a breath as she can and focuses on getting the baby out. 

"Alright rest. You've got ten seconds before you have to push again." Zariel is in her zone and completely focused at the task. 

"You're doing so wonderfully my dear." Aziraphale is supporting her shoulders and letting her grab his hand. He doesn't even feel the squeeze.

"Take another breath and push as much as you can. Pace yourself." Zariel instructs.

Crowley uses up almost all of her energy, she feels like she's going to pass out when they hear it. 

"Wahh..*hic*...aaahha.*hic.*"

They look down and Zariel is holding up their baby. 

Zariel cleans up the infant and places them on Crowley's chest. Skin against skin. 

"Congratulations guys she's beautiful." Zariel says her eyes twinkling with joy. 

"Hello you." Crowley sits in awe as this little potato of a being nuzzles her.

The baby opens her eyes and looks at them.

"Angel..look." Crowley's voice trembles with joy, her baby will not be cursed with her eyes.

The baby's eyes are a deep blue and flecked with gold. They're somewhat unfocused but they follow Aziraphale.

"She's absolutely beautiful, you did so well my dearest." He kisses Crowley and brushes their baby's head. 

"Ok we just need to pass the placenta and then you can rest." Zariel says. 

After they're all cleaned up and the baby is wrapped up nice and warm in a festive Christmas stocking, Anathema is given permission to bring Newt and Warlock into the room. 

Anathema and Newt stand to the side as Warlock approaches. Aziraphale embraces him and Crowley gives him a side hug. 

"I'd like you all to meet Warren Emrys Fell-Crowley." Crowley says holding the baby up so everyone can see.

* * *

Crowley falls asleep and Aziraphale is seeing Newt and Anathema off at the front of the hospital. Warlock is sitting next to the bassinet and when Warren starts to whimper he stands up to see she's accidentally lost her little cap.

"Here you go." He says gently, putting back on.

"They're a weird bunch but at least Warren Emrys isn't as bad as Warlock. You'll get used to their weirdness."

He talks softly to her. "It's not such a tough world when you've got an angel and demon by your side."

Crowley shifts a little in her bed mumbling something about ducks. Warlock looks out the window as the sun rises.

"Happy Christmas Warren, Welcome to the world." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some hospitals in the US at least have this tradition of dressing the babies in themed outfits if they're born on a holiday. Easter babies usually get Easter Bunny caps and blankets, Christmas babies get Santa hats and wrapped up in big red stockings or like presents.  
> .  
> .
> 
> https://www.ktnv.com/news/local-news/photos-nicu-babies-dressed-up-as-presents-for-christmas-at-childrens-hospital-colorado
> 
> Comments and Kudos are appreciated and be safe out there. If I don't get a chance before hand. Have a Happy holiday season. Be kind to others and to yourselves.


	24. Running into Parenthood.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ineffable family grows and things change. Parenthood is scary for everybody.  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> CW water birth scene, nothing explicit but definitely there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is my biggest fic to date and might remain so for awhile. I've got a couple of projects in the pipeline. I can't believe we're almost at the end. Hey look! It's everyone's favorite leggly blonde realtor.

Brenda Comtance stepped into her office and smiled, after a two month long holiday she was finally ready to get back to work. It had taken two months abroad and exploring for her to remember why she got into the real estate game in the first place. She set everything up, flipping her sign to open and set her phone up for calls. As she sipped her morning coffee the bell rang and a couple stepped in, in the second oddest outfits she's ever seen. 

The red head was dressed in black and pants so tight that they looked painted on. The blonde was dressed like he stepped out of a Charles Dickinson novel. The waistcoat even had a pocket for a watch which in fact had a pocket watch in it, The blonde smiles politely as they approach.

"Hello my dear we're interested in purchasing a new home for our family." His voice is so soft and warm it brings to mind puppies and fresh baked cookies. 

"Of course I would be glad to help you with that. What are we looking for?"

"Well we are hoping for a one maybe two story home. Enough room for two kids to be comfortable. Preferably not in the city." 

"How old are your kids?" Brenda asks.

"Twelve and about three weeks" Redhead says. They're shifting their body gingerly and sitting in a way that makes her think that they're recovering from the birth. 

Her sister had problems for over a month before everything healed properly. 

She smiles as she types this in. "Any specific locations you're interested in?" She asks them. 

"The South Downs is rather nice. Lots of open air, You can see the stars out there." The redhead speaks wistfully. 

Brenda pulls up some locations. There's four houses available. Although one of them is a three story house. 

"Anything else you're looking for? What about you two, is there something that would make you happier? It's not home unless everyone is happy." 

"Well I have a rather large book collection that I would need room for." Blonde said. 

"I would like some fertile grounds for my plants." Red says. 

Brenda typed all of this in, two results popped up. She prints out the pages and hands them to the couple. 

"Here are the two I have available for you. Now I have a couple more and if you can't find one you like I do have a number for a couple of other realtors." 

The couple smile and promise to call to set up a tour.

* * *

Beelzebub and Gabriel feel a little awkward as they watch the human get into the kiddie pool. He's joined by his wife and they have invited their friends to see this. 

Darren and Anastasia had invited the baby class to witness the birth of their first child. 

Crowley and Aziraphale got out of it because Crowley was still "recovering"* from Warren's birth. Gabriel had dragged them along to meet the little one with every other Archangel.

* * *

_ "He's so adorable!" Remiel said looking at the little babe.  _

_ Warren seemed to slip between genders as much as Crowley did. They were even able to hint at their preferred pronouns. When Aziraphale called him she this morning by accident the baby had begun to cry until his father switched to male pronouns.  _

_ Crowley beamed proudly handing him over to be held by Raguel. Their long lost brother stared at the babe in silence. He rarely talked and when he did it was in the ancient tongue.  _

_ He spoke aloud to Crowley and he had to blink back tears. Aziraphale put his hand on Crowley's arm in silent questioning.  _

_ "He says that they remind him of Mother. Because he feels this consuming love for them."  _

_ The angels took turns holding the baby and speaking promises to them. Warren gurgled happily in response. When he was handed to Beezelbub they were half afraid that they were going to drop the little beast.  _

_ "Hello." Bee buzzes timidly.  _

_ Warren's sea blue eyes lock onto Bee's electric blue. It's weird to hold such a life, condensed into this tiny helpless being. If the other angels weren't around, it would be easy to bring harm to it. Of course the consequences might deter the most malicious being. Still the damage would already be done wouldn't it?  _

_ Bee passed the baby and made note of this, damn it all they're becoming soft about this. Something has to be done.  _

_ After the immortal family leaves Bee gives Gabriel a kiss. They inform him that they have some business to attend to and that they'll be back as soon as possible. Gabriel wishes them safety and sets to doing his own work.  _

**_Beelzebub descends into Hell, it's been a while since they've been back. They step into the office and greet Dagon who is wearing a gold ribbon* to tie back her hair. There's a familiar faint scent to it. It makes Beelzebub think of the purple scarf they have._ **

**_"Prince Beelzebub! Didn't expect you back for a long while." Dagon's mouth twitches in the hint of a smile. Their silver eyes and scales glimmer._ **

**_"Call a meeting of the Princes, in my board room ple-. Now." Beelzebub almost said the P word. Even amongst a friend like Dagon the walls have ears._ **

**_Dagon nods and heads to inform their fellow Prince's. Beelzebub calls into a phonograph._ **

**_"Hastur!!!"_ **

**_There's the sound of a shriek and within a few seconds Hastur comes trembling into the office._ **

**_"Did you really think that I wouldn't hear about this Hastur?" Beelzebub buzzed angrily._ **

**_"Your Destabliness I am innocent." He rasps out. Bee glares at him. "Well I am innocent of what you are accusing me of, my most grime covered-"_ **

**_"Silence!" Bee waves their hand and Hastur is frozen in place._ **

**_"I know you spread that word the Serpent Crowley was with child. You were the only demon azide from me that knew. Tell me what you planned to happen?"_ **

**_Hastur's eyes flashed with terror. He began to mumble._ **

**_"Where I can hear you toad." Beelzebub demands._ **

**_"I thought that the others might find it interesting j-just how deep the traitor was in with t-the enemy." He sputtered out._ **

**_"In hopes of what? That someone would go after their child?" Beelzebub asks._ **

**_Hastur nods in the affirmative._ **

**_"I see, it seemz that you did not take my warning zeriously. I won't let this stand." Beelzebub buzzes angrily._ **

**_Beelzebub snaps their fingers and Hastur howls in pain. As the sigils begin to cover his entire body._ **

**_"You failed to obey your Prince, for thiz you will be demoted to usher. You'll be even lower than Eric and his copies. Lower than the lowest dispozable. These zigals will keep you from trying anything elze. You won't be getting another chance." Beelzebub waves their hand and Hastur is dragged out by Erics who have a satisfactory gleam in their eyes._ **

**_Beelzebub fixes their sash and medals. They use a minor demonic miracle to hide their stomach, and head off to the Gluttony board room._ **

**_The other Prince's are there waiting for them. This is Grimory's first meeting with all the Prince's in attendance._ **

**_"Hail Satan." Beelzebub greets, it's returned six times._ **

**_"I have news of King Lucifer and the Serpent Crowley." They buzzed out. "King Lucifer is remaining topside for now, he claims he wants to learn more about humanity in order to help corrupt it. For the time being we are to return to our duties."_ **

**_The seven Princes nod in acceptance._ **

**_"As for the Serpent, as I know it's been spread around by now. They have a child that is of Heaven and Hell, I have seen the little beast myself."_ **

**_"Will it be another Antichrist? Are we getting another shot at victory?" Gremory asks, Simmering aggression building in his voice._ **

**_"No, we're not. The child isn't an Antichrist of any kind, just a child. And I can promise you that anyone who makes an attempt on the child will face the wrath of all the Archangels and Hell will not stand in their way." Beezelbub looked around the room._ **

**_"Thingz are changing, perhapz physical war is no longer the anzwer to our grudge. We've already had a war and we lozt so much." Beelzebub's eyes appeared to be watery._ **

**_Under the threat of continued annoyance Crowley had revealed to Them that they had been in love with Gabriel since they had been made. And that Gabriel had returned that love._ **

**_The other Princes awaited them to speak again._ **

**_"For now we continue on as before, we'll discuss thiz more at the next quarterly meeting. Dismizzed." Beelzebub waved their hand and returned to their office._ **

**_Dagon came up to them. "Did you really get to see it? What's it look like?" She asks._ **

**_"It looks like a potato." They answered. "It's so zoft and fragile. So helpless." Their hands run over their own belly. They feel the beat of their own babies._ **

**_"But they've got so many willing to protect them. They'll be fine." Dagon declares._ **

**_Beelzebub shrugs in agreement, they chat for a bit longer before Dagon says that she's running late._ **

**_Beelzebub smiles. "You should take her to the Ritz in London. They've got the best food there."_ **

**_Dagon flashes a sharp grin and sets out, Beelzebub gets up and leaves as well. They can feel the movement of the twins, two months to go._ **

* * *

The birthing of Calliope Moira Vinson is graphic and Beelzebub is considering witnessing birth to be a new torture for Hell. Darren and Anastasia are assisted by a trained midwife who has an ambulance on standby should it be needed. 

Darren cries in pain as he sits in the kiddie pool. He is supported by Anastasia who is whispering words of encouragement and praise. It takes three and half hours, a pool full of actual gross matter and lots of pain before the baby arrives. 

Everyone bids good luck to the new parents as they are taken to be checked at the hospital, the Archangel and his demon Prince head home in a wee bit traumatized. 

"That was…..that was…..I don't know what to say." Gabriel says. 

Beelzebub nods in agreement. They're a little too shocked to respond at the moment. 

"I mean they did choose to have their baby like that. Maybe all humans are secretly masochistic?" Beelzebub offers. 

"Well if you don't want to do it that way we can pick something different. Zariel said to have a birthing plan in place. We could consult her?" Gabriel offers. 

"Maybe." Beelzebub thought about it, usually they're up for a bit of pain. All demons are, they've seen the imprint of ropes around Crowley's wrists and one time their ankle and calf. 

There's always a few weird ones like Archimedes, Mad Lad had last been seen making himself an iron maiden. But there's a limit for everyone and Beelzebub was definitely sure that childbirth was their limit. 

"Crowley said that theirs wasn't too bad after the Epidural. Maybe we could do that?" Gabriel was still offering up suggestions. 

Beelzebub stopped in their tracks. Gabriel noticed and turned around. 

"Bee?" He asks, voice soft and sweet. 

Beelzebub shakes their head. "I need to go." 

They say. 

"Ok where should we go?" He asks. 

"No! I need to go, on my own. I can't handle it right now." Beelzebub takes off disappearing into the shadows. 

Gabriel stares at the spot they were, pain etched across his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me for the cliffhanger.   
> .  
> Darren is a Trans Man, they were assisted by a medically trained midwife with the hospital on standby in case anything went horribly wrong. So people choose to give birth in more "natural" settings and as long as you know what you're doing and are prepared to go to the hospital if need be then too each their own. It's about being safe.   
> .  
> Even with water births you want to go to the hospital afterwards to take care of the tearing and swolleness of your genitals. It's just a good idea.   
> .  
> You might want to consult your group before inviting them all to witness your water birth though. It's not a pretty picture.   
> .  
> *Crowley just gave birth so even though she could miracle away the pain and whatnot she still gets to pretend that she's recovering from it.  
> .  
> * That ribbon is from someone, I wonder who?


	25. And now the end is here.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ineffable parents make their choices and set their path in life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is it chapter 25 of Birds and Bees for Ineffable Idiots. We're finally here. Thank you for reading this far and I hope you enjoy the goodbye.  
> .  
> Crowley is back to presenting as male, but he hasn't gotten rid of his breasts because Warren's is still breast feeding.  
> .  
> Bee is presenting as female while she's giving birth.

Crowley pulls up the driveway and parks, they all step out of the car and take in the cottage. 

It's two stories and so picturesque it looks like it belongs on a *Thomas Kinkade postcard. Brenda is waiting at the door for them. 

"Hello all. I don't believe we've met yet." She says to Warlock holding out her hand. 

Warlock looks at her for a couple of seconds before taking it rolling his eyes. 

"I'm Warlock." He says. 

"Pleasure to meet you Warlock. And who is this?" She looks at the two month old strapped in a baby sling. 

"This is our Warren Emrys." Aziraphale proudly states. 

"It's very nice to meet you as well Warren." Brenda pulls out a set of keys and unlocks the door. She keeps it open as they walk in and starts opening windows. 

"It's been about fifty or so years since someone has lived here. I had some cleaners come out and tidy up. It just needs some airing out, of course it's able to be hooked up to all the eminaties. gas, water, and electricity." 

She goes along pointing out the old style and rooms. They all follow behind her, exclaiming when they see something they like. Aziraphale likes the large study on the second floor. Warlock likes the size of the living room which will mean lots of space for his gaming system he got for Christmas. 

It's when they get outside that they know that this is meant to be their home. Outside is a run down but structurally sound greenhouse and a decent sized orchard just waiting for the right master. Crowley is practically vibrating with excitement. He looks out at the land and imagines what it'll be like to have the perfect Eden. 

They sign the papers and thank Ms. Comtance for her help. She also gives them directions to the local village where there is a school and decent market. They decide to see what this town might have in restaurants and head towards it. 

The sky is pitch black and stars are blinking into view. They are heading back to London after a delicious meal of beef wellington Crowley taking every opportunity he can to eat undercooked meat. They start chatting with each other, they're interrupted by the ringing of Warlock's mobile.

"Hello?" Warlock says, Smile in his voice.

"Warlock? It's me." Harriet Dowlings voice responds. 

Warlock freezes. "M-mom?" He looks up and meets Crowley's eyes in the rearview mirror. 

Crowley's eyes are a mix of irritation and nerves. 

"I know I should have called before, but I need to talk to you." She said.

Crowley looks back at him silently asking if he needs to intervene.

"Crowley the road!" Aziraphale cries out. 

Crowley's head whips back around to see a figure standing in the middle of the road hunched over. He swerves to avoid them and pulls over to the side. There's a familiar feel to the figure, it falls behind them. 

"Warlock?! Are you all ok?" Worry carries over in her voice. 

Aziraphale is already getting out. Crowley snags the phone, he puts it on speaker. 

"Nobody is hurt but there's an urgent matter to attend to. Warlock will call you back later, and you will answer this time and you will be given a chance to explain yourself. Got it?" He says.

"Y-yes? Yes I understand." Harriet replies. 

"Good." He hands the phone back to Warlock before getting out himself. 

Crowley runs up to Aziraphale who is helping the figure up. Crowley knows that shaggy hair anywhere. 

"Beelzebub? What are you doing? It's the middle of the night!" He asks. 

Beelzebub is clutching their stomach and breathing rapidly. Crowley knows that breathing pattern, anywhere. He helps them walk to the car and get in, the back seat expanding further than possible by human standards. 

"Where's Gabriel?" Aziraphale asks. 

Beelzebub shakes their head. "In Heaven I think. I don't know, I left." Her voice is strained as she speaks through a contraction. 

"I locked on to the nearest angel I could sense. I can't do this alone!" Her voice sounded odd, it sounded like she was scared. 

"We're almost at the hospital now. Do you mind if we contact him?" Crowley asked, pulling into the hospital parking lot. 

"Do it…..pleaze." She responds. 

Crowley pulls into a spot reserved for maternity patients. Aziraphale gets out and lets everyone in the back out. Helping Beelzebub with the same care and gentleness he gave Crowley. He lets a little miracle go to relieve some of the pain and takes her inside.

Crowley grabs Warren's carrier and him and Warlock follows. Crowley is texting a message to Gabriel and *Zariel. When they arrive at the proper floor Gabriel is there waiting. 

"Bee!" He runs up and hugs her almost spinning her around before he's reminded by the midwife not to. 

"Where did you go? I was worried for you!" He asks. 

"Talk about this after you get signed in." Crowley pushes Bee into a wheelchair and they set off for the delivery rooms. Bee and Gabriel are taken behind the doors, Crowley and the others head for the waiting room.

The four of them sit in the waiting room and breathe collectively. Warren begins to fuss, letting out a hungry cry. Crowley picks them up. 

"Alright I hear you, hold your rats will you." He says, he opens his shirt and places Warren to his breast. They begin to suckle almost immediately. 

Aziraphale rubs the baby's head. Some of the other patrons of the waiting room are staring at them. Most of them look away or are too focused on waiting to hear news of their own families or friends to care. But one old man is sniffing in disgust and glaring at them.

* * *

Warlock had excused himself and went to call his mom back. The dial doesn't even last for half a ring before she answers. 

"Warlock, are you guys alright?" She asks. 

Warlock assures her that they are, he thinks about telling her that they nearly hit a friend of theirs before deciding against it. He lies and says that there had been a deer in the road. But they were able to avoid it, she sounds relieved. 

"I'm sorry." Harriet says. "I'm sorry I didn't protect you from your father, I'm sorry that I sent you away. I am your mother and I should act like it." Harriet begins to explain.

* * *

Bee is laying down in a bed, they've given her some medicine for pain and are going to be administering an epidural once the anesthesiologist arrives. She looks at Gabriel with tear filled eyes, he's holding her hand and rubbing it. He looks at her full of love and concern.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you where I was going, I'm not sorry I left." She said a bit snippy. "I just mean that I needed time to think and process this."

He looks at her with devotion and understanding. It's annoying. 

"Well?" She says. 

"What's wrong, my Bumble Bee." He said. 

"Be angry! Get mad, curse me out. Really curse me! I took off for the last two months and said nothing to you. Did you even care?!" She buzzes seething with rage and shame. 

Gabriel drops her hand, his eyes flash. 

"You're right." He says through gritted teeth. "I am angry, I was scared. You took off and didn't contact me in two months! I was looking for you but I couldn't find you. I must have texted you many times." He says. 

"I might have melted my phone in my meltdown." She admits. 

"I was scared that you might be hurt. I was angry that you didn't want to talk to me." Gabriel continues. "But now, right now I'm relieved that you're safe, and I'm excited because we're going to meet our children. We will talk about this later someday. But Beelzebub" Gabriel cups her face as the anesthesiologist comes in. 

"I'm not going to let you slip away from me again. I have loved you since the day Mother made you. So long as you still want me, I want to be with you." He brushes a tear away from her eyes. They join in the tender kiss before the doctor clears his throat to notify them of his presence.

* * *

"You should come home, I can send someone to pick you up tomorrow. Come home and we'll talk about it." Harriet says. 

Warlock looks back to the waiting room, Crowley and Aziraphale are there. They just signed the papers for a home out in the countryside. He's always felt as though he belongs with them. He's going to have his own room, He doesn't want to go. 

"I don't know if I want to." He says. 

"Warlock, Darling. We're your parents and we want you to come home. Things will be better this time we promise. Come home Warlock, you belong with us." Harriet's voice carries over the phone. It sounds desperate and wanting. 

Warlock thinks back on his life. He thinks about his father who never had the time for any of them. When he was present he was always chastising him for doing "girly" things. His father went off on the cook when she was teaching Warlock how to make pie. He screamed at him and declared that he was going to fire her. She stood in tears as he yelled at her for trying to turn his son into a faggot fairy boy. 

Thaddeus Dowling was screaming so loud that Brother Francis had come in from the garden, basket laden with herbs for the kitchen and intervened Brother Francis got in the middle and in a string of rather selective words told him that any more harm to the staff and Thaddeus would regret it. That he must calm down before he gets to see what it's like to be one of the people he abuses. 

He remembers when Nanny told his parents that they were taking him to see some sort of action blockbuster, but when they pulled up to the theater it was the Royal Ballet performance of Swan Lake. Nanny held him close and they both cried as the Swan Princess died. Brother Francis was crying as well, but when he looked over he smiled warmly and patted his leg. 

"I am home." Warlock said. 

"Warlock darl-" Harriet began before he cut her off. 

"No, I'm not going to agree with you just because you are my parents. If you want to come over and visit you'll have to do it with Nanny and Aziraphale." Warlock declares. 

"I see, well I'll talk to them then. Goodnight Warlock, I do love you." Harriet says sweetly.

Warlock says goodbye and heads back to the waiting room. He can feel the simmering aggression building. 

"It's down right immoral to have your tits flapping about. There are children in this room." An old man is raising his voice at Crowley who has Warren tucked to his chest. 

"Yeah? And one of them is my baby who needs to eat every four blasted hours. I'm not going to deny them food because you can't ssstand to see titsss if they're not for you!" Crowley hisses.

A younger man is pulling at the old man's jacket trying to get him to back off. 

"Charlie, leave her alone. She's allowed to feed her kid." The young man tries to placate. 

"She can feed her kid in the bathroom, away from prying eyes." Charlie snarls out. 

"It's He actually. And if you think the bathroom is ssuch a great place to eat you can eat in there." Crowley hisses back.

Charlie turns a shade of blotchy red and purple at the implications of a male breastfeeding. The young man steps in front of the man. 

"Charlie it's none of your business."

The staff have called security and are trying to calm down the situation. 

"I knew you were immoral." He takes breath about to begin a long tirade about the corruption of the world, when a security guard claps a hand on his shoulder. 

"Listen here, you are being aggressive and causing a scene. We're going to have to ask you to leave." The guard says. 

They escort Charlie away and the young man apologizes for misgendering Crowley and for Charlie's behavior. As they leave Gabriel comes rushing in. 

"They're here! Everyone is doing good. Do you want to meet them?" He says breathlessly. 

They all get up and head into the room, Bee is fast asleep and Gabriel is beaming proudly. The twins are fast asleep in their little bassinets. They are wrapped in pink and blue blankets, for now one of each, But that may change.

"They're beautiful Gabey. Any names yet?" Crowley asks. 

"This one is Norial." He points at the baby wrapped in the pink blanket. 

"This is Lissaroth." He points at the blue wrapped babe. 

Crowley quirks an eyebrow, Gabriel blushes. 

"Of course we'll probably call them differently in front of humans." 

The night is still and quiet all is well.

* * *

**Seven years later.**

* * *

Warren is running around stretching her wings, they're marbled black and white. She's chasing their cats Oscar and Freddie. 

Crowley is working on his rose bushes, he has been cross breeding roses in hopes to create a bush with as many colors as you can imagine. Aziraphale brings out some lemonade and biscuits for everyone. A small red car pulls up to the cottage. Two teen boys step out and are greeted with a feathery hug. 

"Loki! Adam!" She is ecstatic and bouncing with joy. 

"Hey lil bit." 

Warlock hugs his little sister, when she had first learned to speak she couldn't even begin to pronounce Warlock. There had been an attempt to shorten it to Lock, but then it was decided* that he be dubbed Loki. He didn't mind it really. 

He hugs his parents and puts up with Aziraphale's cheek kisses. 

"How are you boys getting along. Getting packed up for Uni?" Crowley asks. 

"Yeah, packed the last box up." Adam kisses Warlock's cheek before he's dragged off to play with Warren. 

"I'm so proud of you Hellspawn. Hear anything from the others?" He asked. 

"Harriet came to have lunch and congratulate us. She even gave us $1,500 for getting started. Kinda forced it on us." He grumbles a bit. 

"At least she's trying I guess." Crowley says and Aziraphale nods in agreement. 

They stay and chat for a little while before wishing each other good luck and a pleasant day, Warren pouts. She doesn't want to stop playing. 

"Come now little bit. Nori and Lissa are going to come over tomorrow and you three can play all day." Crowley takes her hand and leads her inside. 

"Can I do the fire trick I learned!" She asks. 

Crowley grimaces, Warren had figured out how to set herself on fire without hurting herself. It had given Newt and Anathema quite the shock. 

"You can do it outside at night. You can even be the campfire." Crowley responds. 

Warren laughs and runs ahead. After lunch she decides to read in the library getting delightedly lost in the world of books. Aziraphale wraps his arms around Crowley and kisses him. 

"Did you ever think about having another baby Crowley?" He says softly. 

"Oh no I'm not carrying another one. I'm one and done." Crowley replies, yes he loves their spawn to pieces and he enjoys being a parent, but he is not going through pregnancy again. No Siree. 

"Silly Serpent I didn't say you'd be the one carrying them." Aziraphale responds amusedly. 

"So what are you talking abo-?" Crowley turns around and faces him. Slowly understanding draws across his face. 

"Really?" Crowley whispers. 

Aziraphale takes his hand and places it against his belly. He presses down and Crowley feels a spark. Golden eyes meet blue as Aziraphale beams with absolute joy. 

"Oh, fuck." Crowley says smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I'm not sure how famous Thomas Kinkade is in London and wherever. In the states he's really popular with the evangelicals and baby boomers. But most of his work is landscapes, they really are pretty, my mom had a box of his post cards but she never sent them out. His stuff is expensive, it might actually be a brand rather than a single guy. IDK enough to look it up.  
> .  
> *Zariel didn't make an appearance because she wasn't the important part of this chapter. But she was there to help.  
> .  
> I like to imagine that Crowley curses Charlie to be hungry every time he enters the bathroom.  
> .  
> Seriously don't shame people breast feeding their babies. Public bathrooms are extremely filthy areas to feed a infant.  
> .  
> When I was about fourteen we lived in a trailer park that was rather nice. There was an actual yard and there were rose bushes in the yard. I loved to tend them and take care of them. Their were actually rose bushes in almost every yard in the park. But one lady had a rose bush that had rose branches from other bushes grafted onto it. She had so many colors on one bush, white, pink, yellow, red. Even orange! And some mix of other colors as the bush grew. It was so beautiful.   
> .  
> *Adam's decision.


End file.
